Thank You

Cate

Nothing could ever compare to theater on Christmas night with her ; snow finally falling from the sky onto that grey city. Nothing could be more magic or perfect, or maybe something could, but how can I even wish for impossible things to come true. My heart tightens when the lights show up again, breaking the play in parts, breaking the magic I wish could be forever. I do not move an inch - sitting still a- knowing very well that she is watching me attentively from her chair. She doesn't speak for a few minutes, but I know she will. She suddenly tilts her head on the side so as to make her ear meet her shoulder and finally parts her lips in a breath.

"You look very invested in this play."

Trapped in my own mutism, all I can do is nod softly, my gaze still fixed on the stage hidden by the heavy red velvet curtain.

"It's refreshing."

She smartly seizes a champagne glass she filled minutes ago when the play was on and carries it to her mouth. Before she can take a single sip of it though, she freezes, and her face expresses perplexity and curiosity. The glass just an inch away from her perfect face, she parts her lips again to speak.

"It's quite strange, but I can't recall you telling me your name."

She knows exactly what she is doing to me, pushing me to speak to her, and I may find her kind and benevolent ; language isn't something to get out of me so easily. My heart pounds hard in my chest, and I call feel the small drops of sweat piercing through the skin of my back.

"I haven't. It's... Its Diana."

She softly nods, a satisfied smile on her lips, and takes a sip of her beverage. My lips still shake from the few words I just said to her. It isn't like I've never talked to her but somehow she makes me even more nervous now than as a stranger - if that's what she ever was to me.

"Diana. Moon goddess."

I raise an eyebrow as I hear the words. For as long as I've lived, nobody has ever found out what Diana stood for, and my face painted with surprise doesn't miss to make her slightly chuckle.

"I just know these things. I've studied a lot for what I do. You've got to make yourself a decent culture or nobody else will."

"And what do you do ?"

The words came out of your mouth quickly, so quickly your lips stay parted for a second in surprise. She looks delightfully shocked, raising her own eyebrow. The left one. She puts her glass back down on the table.

"I like to know you're comfortable enough to speak to me Diana. I'll be more than pleased when we'll be able to have a conversation. And I believe it will happen sooner than I could ever expect it."

The lights go down again as she smiles to me, and I know that she knew exactly what was going to happen. Why didn't she want to tell me more ? I guess I'll never know. The curtains open again, and I'm caught up one more time in the wonderful magic of the play.

I'm drawn out of this amaze state by her moving next to me. I slightly frown, concerned as to why she's getting up so early - if this is early. She warmly smiles as an answer to my perplex look and softly puts a hand on my arm. I can't help but shiver under her touch.

"I'll be back soon, I promise. Don't move until I come back here. Enjoy the rest of the play."

She disappears behind the red velvet curtain that encloses the box with a small warm smile. I keep on staring at the red material for a minute - or maybe is it more - as if I expected her to come back so soon. After a while the play catches my attention again, but not fully. I'm not in this sort of trance anymore ; it doesn't make my heart skip a beat from time to time anymore. I know - deep in myself - that it is still as majestic and grandiose as it was before she left, but it feels different now that I'm alone. The actors' moves become blurry, and it feels just as if I was merely shown pictures of the play ; some flashes of movement frozen in silence. I can't seem to enjoy anything now that I am so far from her - so far I can't see her anymore.

I stand up - out of breath - rushing to the curtain closing the small area I sat in for hours and slide my head on the other side of it. The golden corridor is empty. The lights are down, and I can barely see anything but the memories I made of it. I wish as hard as I can for her to show up in a corner and smile to me, making me feel more alive than I've ever felt before, but the path remains empty and dark, depressing and senseless. I come back to the box and close the curtain, still tightly grasping the material with both my hands, a bitter taste in my mouth. Of course she wouldn't come back. All she did was pity me ; giving away things she had in abundance for whatever reason because she might've felt guilty for some other unknown reason. I don't want to be the object of some kind of redemption. I don't want her to see me as a poor fragile creature she can puppet the way she wishes to. I don't want it yet I let it happen. Otherwise why would I be here ?

I sit back in my red chair, but it doesn't feel so soft anymore. My head is filled with thoughts, and they're fighting each other. I know which ones I'd want to win. I close my eyes, trying to get rid of them, wanting to believe I'm wrong, and that if she sat with me for so long, it was because she genuinely wanted to. This is everything I can hold onto now. Wishing she cares. Wishing she will come back.

The deafening sound of the audience clapping makes my mind come back to reality, and my eyes open. I don't have the force to bring my hands together and clap, and as much as I enjoyed the major part of this, I don't feel like congratulating it anymore. The actors seem so small from here. Yet they act like they rule the world. If only they knew how pathetic they look from over here. My face is emotionless while I watch them smiling as if they were on top of the world, proud and confident. How dare they. One of them brings out a microphone and the sound doesn't seem to be coming to my ears until I hear it.

"... for our beloved writer Catherine Elise Blanchett !"

My heart skips a beat. Catherine. Cate. There she was, there she is, glowing behind and now on the stage, overshadowing all of them with her beauty and presence. Her burgundy suit seems to shine - she seems to shine - her smile illuminating the room and beyond. She's looking over the audience - not quite looking actually - it's as if she didn't care much to gaze at them. Her eyes are staring at something else, another direction. Someone else. Her bright blue eyes wide open, full of warmth and light, stare directly at me. She's looking right to me and right through me.

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we all wish THE cate fckn blanchett would look at us right in the eyes