Thank You

Accident

"He showed up almost exactly at the second the bell started ringing."

I feel the walls inside my mind crumbling, tearing themselves apart. So many images I tried to forget, to erase, and that I have to remember again. I have to make them be clear inside my brain again. These memories I had spent nights and days wishing I would've gotten amnesia from. I had wanted the trauma gone for so long, and now I suddenly have to lay it down on the table.

"My father went to get him at his friend's house. He drove on the unsafe roads in the darkness of the night. For me. For me only. He had promised me, so they took onto the road just before midnight so that they could all wish me a happy birthday exactly at midnight. Exactly as the little bells rang for me. Had I had the indulgence to tell him it was alright for him to wish me a happy birthday later in the morning, maybe this all wouldn't have happened. If only I had been more understanding."

"Whatever happened, I am sure it wasn't your fault, darling."

"But it was. They were out because of me. Hadn't it been for me, the both of them would've been safe today. And that day, they would've been in warm houses, safe also. But they were not. They were out. Because of my stupid little request. Because of a kid's tantrum."

"I am more than sure that your brother wanted to be there for your birthday. It was not because of you. He wanted it. He did not oblige, I'm sure, he only wanted to be with you. Not because of a tantrum."

She is trying to fight the guilt for me, but these thoughts haven't left my head for five years now. I could not fight them, so how could she ? I wish these feelings could go away, but I never could push them away.

"I was outside, waiting for them ten minutes before midnight. I remember my mom wanted to yell at me for being in the cold at this time of the night, but what could she say, really ? It was basically my birthday. So, I was out there, in the cold, my father's bells in hand, my eyes on the road. I wouldn't have missed anything happening on that road. And I didn't. It was a minute before midnight. It had been about ten minutes I had been standing outside my house, my mother watching me by the open door. It was one minute until my birthday, and I saw them. I saw the car. I felt an ineffable sense of happiness and relief as I saw them make the turn toward our street. I shouldn't have. I think you know by now, what happened that night, don't you ?"

"I have an idea, yes."

"I told you, it was too cold for a month of November. The roads were frozen already. And when they saw me, their attention drifted away from the ice there was right in front of them. They were going too fast to change the outcome of what had just begun the moment they turned onto our street. They were so happy to have made it on time. I could see them through the windows. Their happy faces, their smiles, I could hear them laughing without even being in the car with them. And I was so happy to see they happy, to see my brother. Believe it or not, I had had enough time to start missing him already. This is such a light, joyful memory. Just them happy, laughing, not knowing what was to happen. I remember running to the other side of the road so that they would have space to park in front of the house, and that's exactly when I realized how frozen and slippery the road was. I got scared for a moment but didn't truly think much of it. I was barely twelve, why would I have worried too much about some ice on the road, especially on such a cheerful moment ? I couldn't have possibly known. I was just so happy."

I choke on my own words, now knowing perfectly what happened after that joyful scene. It's right there, I am right there, about to tell her about the heaviest part of my memories, the heaviest part of me. No other word of context is needed anymore, and my storytelling is getting deeper now. I shed the layers and stand naked in front of her. There is nothing pretty to tell anymore. What is left to say is dark, and by the look in her eyes, I know that she is aware of it. She knows. She knows, and she is simply waiting for me to be ready to say the words out loud. She has this face, one of sweet understanding, a loving face, deprived of any judgment. The kind that makes you feel safe. And I feel safe. I still do.

"I don't know what happened. I didn't understand. It felt like a blur. It all happened so quickly. I don't know what triggered the accident, but suddenly, the car flew over my head, on the side of the road facing my house, facing my mother. It felt like I was in a movie scene, that nothing was real. A slow-motion. A story. Nothing real. Nothing true. I could see their faces still, from outside the car. I could see the fear, the pain, the blood. I could see everything. All of it. And I just stood there as a silent witness. I didn't move. I couldn't move. The way I almost slipped while crossing the road was coming back to mind now as I watched the car roll over. I was on the front row, watching them die. I could see them. Not just the car. Them. I was right there. I couldn't believe I had just watched this whole scene even after the car stopped moving. I couldn't hear my mom screaming as she ran past me. It felt so surreal. It felt like a bad dream, and nightmare, a bad movie I wouldn't want to watch again. But it wasn't. It was real. All of it. Every part of it. The car really had crashed, and they really were in it. And I had just stood there watching it as it happened. They were gone. In a second, they were gone. I stood there, still watching as my mom ran to the fuming car. And when I understood what had just happened, the bells rang."

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i am so very sorry for the long wait, life simply hasn't been that kind, but i am trying to write again. these chapters aren't very long but i believe they do provide the necessary context and content for the story to be at least a bit interesting. if anybody's still reading this, thank you so much, it means a lot to me.
i have just finished my other story take flight, than you can check out if you like angelina jolie :)
thank you for the support over here