Thank You

Chaos

I heard somewhere that when something really painful happens to you, you don't feel the pain right away. It comes more or less gradually after a little while. Maybe it's the shock. Maybe it's fake. But the pain didn't come. The exploding sound of the bullet leaving Andrew's gun still rings inside my ears. It has to be real. It has to be. I cannot be making this up.

It still sounds so real, echoing without end in my head. And I can see the flow of red running under my feet. My eyes are fixed on the dark red river flooding on the dirty floor. So much of it. So much blood. Too much to be something out of my imagination. I could never dream of something of the sort. My nightmares have never been bloody unless I saw my dad and my brother. And neither of them is standing in front of me. But if the scene is so bloody, where is the pain ?

But suddenly, the world feels cold. Colder. And darker, somehow. It would have seemed impossible just minutes ago when I was staring at the clouded night sky hiding any shining star or the soft glow of the moon. I thought for a second that the world actually felt lighter when I crossed Cate's eyes again. When I finally touched her again. But now, everything feels cold and dark. Everything feels blank. The images blend together again, and the houses, the trees, the road, just everything blends with the black sky that just seems to be falling on us, drowning us in darkness.

Has the world felt any colder before ? Was it how I felt when I saw the car fly over my head, my brother and dad on the way to their death ? It all seems so blurry in this very moment. I cannot recall what happened inside of me that night, but it did not feel as cold. I could never be sure, but it doesn't seem possible to find any colder or any darker. All the warmth I felt from Cate's touch, from her eyes, her body and her love, is gone. It is just as if it had never been there in the first place. Just as if it had never hit me at all. Ever. The world is cold as death, and a body hits the ground.

I collapse, my legs giving up on me, meeting the rough asphalt stained with fresh blood. And the pain hits too, now. But not how it should. I can feel the pain on my knees from the scratches I just made, but nothing more. Why nothing more ?

I did not fall down first. My own body followed the first to collapse on the ground. Without even truly knowing what happened, my strength left my body as I watched it happen. And my arms are wrapped around her, but I cannot remember how I happened to embrace her at all. The world is still darker than ever, but I can see the blood. I can see where it is flowing from. And my heart stops beating.

"My baby... My babies..."

Her voice is shaky, closer to a shriek, nothing like the one that sounds like a melody to my ears.

"Cate, Cate, it's okay, look at me."

The words come out of my mouth faster than I would have thought they would. I cannot control them ; they simply flow out of me. I don't know what I am saying until the words are out, and I can hear them just as she does.

"Cate, look at me. It's okay. You're okay, alright ? They're okay, too. They're alright."

My hands are covered with blood already, before I place them on the bullet wound to try and stop the hemorrhage. My movements are steadier than I thought they would be, but each muscle of mine is still shaking. I have never seen her appear so pale and weak.

"Keep them safe, please, keep them safe."

"Cate, they're alright. I promise. You'll be alright. Look at me."

She painfully brushes my cheek, and I can feel the blood on my skin, now.

"Don't cry. If we're alright, don't cry, my darling."

I didn't know tears were rolling down my face. My mind was so blank, yet so busy, that I didn't notice the obvious.

"We are. We are okay, Cate. You are. Look at me, please."

I cannot suppress the sobs anymore, and pain is spreading all over my words.

"Please. Please, keep them safe."

"No. No, Cate, you'll keep them safe yourself. You're okay, it's alright. You'll look after them yourself, alright ? Cate. Cate, look at me, please, just..."

I am choking on my own tears. This can't be it.

"I love you, Diana."

These words I waited for for so long sound off and I wish she could take them back until she is back on her feet. The pain they make me feel is unbearable. I wish I could hear a second shot and take on the full blow. This would be a much lesser pain. Why can't that happen ? Why isn't there a second bullet flying right through my heart ?

"I love you, Diana," I can hear her repeat, her voice warmer than it was seconds ago, but no less painful to listen to.

She grabs my hand, and all I can see is red. The touch is like an electrical shot. Everything feels so blurry now, and I have nothing to keep me in the real world but the blood-covered hand holding mine. My body is shaking and aching, and I can't hear the sound of metal clinking as it hits the floor, or the sound of quick footsteps running off. Nothing around  me exists anymore but her, her touch, her shallow breathing, her blood all over us, and her life quickly slipping out of her.

"I love you, Diana."

Her voice is starting to fill up with the sound of her own tears as she repeats the words, but I can't say them back to her. I wish I could, but I simply cannot do it. They would hurt too much. It would be much worse than a goodbye. It would mean I would be allowing her to go, and I cannot let her slip away. She can't leave. She just can't. I can't let it happen.

"Cate, stop, look at me, it's okay."

Her ocean eyes are shining with tears.

"No, Diana, listen to me. I love you. It's too late. We don't have any more time."

"No. No, you're wrong. Cate. Cate, look at me. Cate, look at me ! Look at me ! Look at me, Cate !"

I can scream as loudly as I can, but the warm sparkle in her eyes is forever extinguished.

"Cate, look at me now, please !"

I wrap my arm around her and brings are close to me in a tight embrace. I will never let her go.

"I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you."

I bury my head into her blond locks. They may be stained with red, they're still the perfect, soft blond locks I dreamed of for weeks. Her smell in intoxicating. My embrace is tighter by the second. I am never letting go.

"I love you."

My tears mix with the blood. The pain is stronger than it has ever been. But I am never letting go.

"I love you."

There are screams and gasps of shock behind me. hands are trying to pull us apart. But I am never letting go.

"I love you."

The kids are crying. I know they want to see their mother and hug her one last time. They want to feel and smell her just as I do. They deserve it. But I am never letting go.

"I love you."

It is chaos around us. It has always been chaos. From beginning to start. But for some – for us – love is chaos. And we had love. We have it. Pain is chaos, and chaos is pain, but we have love. And the world is chaos. If only we had learned how to live through it. But we have love. We do. And I am never letting go.

"I love you."

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i apologize for any emotional damage caused by this story so far, and feel free to yell at me through the comments, i totally understand.
and yes. i like to kill my characters.