Thank You

Honest

She smiles, but there's no joy to it, no positive feeling that is what is supposed to be conveyed by a smile. It's empty. It's sad. She doesn't try to hide it one second. As she told me, 'this is home', and home is a safe place, one she can truly be herself in, without any covers or excuses.

"I guess you already noticed though, didn't you ? The modern, cold environment you saw in that office I told you I despised, it was the same you saw in this very house, just outside this room."

I did notice how impersonal the house felt from the first step I took in it, so far from the idea I had of her home. But now I get it, and this lonely room does feel like home. It feels like her.

I wrap my hands around the burning hot mug filled with steaming beverage, letting the heat get to my skin, to my flesh and my blood, letting the pain go all the way trough. It revived me somehow, reminding me that I am still here, and what I am experiencing - just life itself - is real. I observe every asperity on the surface of the nearly-boiling milk, just for a second, almost scared that she might throw me out if my attention wasn't fully on her. But she isn't like this. She never would be.

"Looking is your thing, isn't it ? Or is it watching ? Observing ?"

She blows on her own drink, using her sleeves not to burn herself, contrasting my behavior.

"It is the reason why you walk outside so late at night, isn't it ? I would assume it partly is the reason, but I may be wrong. Perhaps you merely wish for an escape."

Her ocean eyes are piercing through me, digging into my soul. She can read me, and though I know she is waiting for me to answer, I wouldn't even need to for her to know.

"What do you need to escape from Diana ?"

The question is simple. I would lie if I said I didn't see it coming but I still wished she would have waited. How could my story get out when I've kept it locked up inside of me for that long ? It feels impossible even though she opened the door to make this impossible possible. Is it simply fear ? But fear of what exactly ? I thought I could escape fear with her by my side.

"I do not want to intrude your personal life, thus I apologize if my question dug too far into it. You do not have to answer it in any way if it makes you too uncomfortable. I just want to make sure that you are safe and that you will be alright if and when you step out of this house. I wish I could tell you I wasn't, but I am scared. You did scare me earlier, and caring about you foolishly, I have to ask a few things to calm my mind about your safety."

"I just haven't gotten to talk about any of the past events that still haunt me to this day before."

My voice is hoarse, and every word that I get out of myself hurts more than the last.

"Then don't. Not if it hurts you. If it is a relief for you to open up, then you must know you are safe talking to me about just anything. But there is no rush. Tonight is not about having no time to waste, on the contrary, we have all the time in the world."

Her eyes darken as she speaks out the last few words and I can't help but wonder why she has to lie to me about such a small thing. Telling me there isn't time in her perfect schedule to talk to me for twenty more minutes wouldn't be that hard on any of us. Or at least I'd like to think this way.

She shakes the change of intention in her eyes away and when her face stops in front of mine once again, she has a warmer smile, but a faker one, and my heart breaks a little when I see it. Why the sudden hiding ? Didn't she let go of the mask just a few moments earlier ? What does she hide ?

"How silly of me. I will get you a pullover or a blanket to warm you up faster. Of course that's what I should have done first. Poor child, I would let you freeze in my own house."

She briskly gets up, hitting the table table with her hip therefore making it shake, a few drops of hot beverage spilling out of the cups. She's erratic, her muscles seemingly tended up. But for what exactly ? I'm not quite sure. The only thing I know is she's not the steady woman I thought she was when I met her in the theater. That is a cover. She is the woman I met out in the street. The one who stole me my blunt. The one who bawled her eyes out, so much she couldn't put her coat on quite right.

"I'm okay. I'm okay... Cate."

The mention of her name hits like a slap and she turns around in a millisecond.

"The heat of the room and the drink are enough for me the be warmed up already. I am not cold."

She stands still, staring straight into my eyes, a confused and mysteriously scared look on her face, looking for the right words explaining her behavior. She plays with her own fingers in all nervousness and attacks her bottom lip again.

"You fell in the snow. It is only right that I give you more warmth."

"I am fine."

"No, but I..."

"I am."

Her breathing is quick, I can see her chest moving up and down more than the average and she is now fully biting both of her lips from the inside.

"You can sit, Cate."

She takes a deeper breath and sighs softly before slowly sitting back down in front of me, still fiddling her own fingers. Whatever it was that her own words reminded her of isn't good.

"We both have our own thing, right ?"

"I guess we do, yes," she chuckles back to me.

"Maybe we both need to get it out."

"Even if we don't, at least now you talk to me without any hesitations. There is still a positive side. There is always one."

She lowers her gaze again as she talks. Either she's trying to make me believe in what she says, or she's trying to make herself believe in it. Either way she doesn't truly think what she's saying.

"Maybe we both need to be honest now."

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yeahh i'm back?
this- well i obviously don't know what i'm doing but this is still an update ig so-
hope this is alright anyway, i'm trying to work on myself, if you read my other ff take flight you probably got to read my rant last night but yeah, we're just trying to stay alive at this point so, good writing isn't exactly the first thing to come out of me.
anyway enjoy this, i'll be writing more often from now on, pls you guys don't give up on me
-lou~