Thank You

Safe

Her gaze is drawn back to me the second she hears the words. It is not unreadable, but I can see the fear in her eyes, almost making me wish they could go back to that mysterious look of hers that made me wonder about so many things. Such fear isn't something you want to see on anybody ; thus, the last thing I want to see on her is that exact feeling. What is it she is so afraid of ? What is it she is hiding ?

I don't think speechless is the right word to describe her, yet not a word has come out of her mouth since I last spoke. I can see all the sentences forming in her head, though, and she could take all the time in the world to voice them out, I would be just as mesmerized as I always am while facing her.

"I think you will agree with the fact that being dishonest can be quite easier. I would be surprised if you told me you had the opportunity to be honest more often than I am. The opportunities being rather... well. Missing."

"Being honest is brave. It asks courage. But it also demands the right person. You can't be honest with everybody. You have to feel safe."

"Do you feel safe ?"

"Right now, I do. I do."

She tilts her head, still looking at me, but she is lost feel into her own thoughts. There is a beginning of smile on her lips that I could never miss.

"We have just been given the chance to be honest then, haven't we ?"

Her voice is low, slow, almost willingly sensual.

"I believe we have."

"We just aren't used to doing this."

Her right hand is shaking just the slightest bit, but I can remember perfectly how such small things could lead her to an erratic behavior, so I softly, and hesitantly, cover her hand with mine. She doesn't jump when she feels my skin against hers but it's just as if. I can feel her shiver under my touch, her muscles tighten and not relax, and it makes me want to puke. How could I let myself go that far ? That was inappropriate, and it makes me sick of myself. I quickly draw my hand back and drop my gaze to the ground.

"That was alright Diana. Do not feel ill about yourself about my reaction. It was nothing against you. It just... Well."

I slowly look up. She is massaging the hand I touched while biting her bottom lip again, and I know, I'm sure, that she was about to open to me. But it isn't as easy as it seems, especially when you never get to do it. The uneasiness in me doesn't go away, but I can't keep on watching her doubt and push herself if she is not ready. No one should be obligated to share their own things, not to anyone.

"You don't have to."

She look right back at me, her hand movement suddenly stopping. Her left eyebrow is slightly raised, as expected.

"It's okay."

"But we should be more honest."

"I know I said that but... If you don't feel like it, it's okay. You don't have to do it. You can wait, or never tell me. Don't feel like you must do it, because you do not. You get to make your own choices."

Her facial expression shifts bering the last few words but even though I picked it up, I don't ask about it. I have to accept the fact that she might not feel safe with me. Even if it breaks me.

I have never felt more at home with anybody but her, not even Romeo. Not anyone. I feel safer around most of the time, and thinking of losing her makes me want to die. The fact that I could live up to this day without even knowing she existed feels impossible, she takes too much space in my heart to believe that she wasn't a part of it just a few days ago. Nothing got me prepared for the fall. Quick, extreme and indescribable fall. I blocked love out of my body for too long, along with all other emotions, so how could this ever happen ? How could a person, someone so different, could ever feel like my safe place ? My safe haven ?

And now, it hurts to ever think that the one person I would confide into could possible not feel the same about me. I can see her hesitation, and if I understand it, I can't help suffering from it. It's soon. She told me she felt like she could talk to me, but she didn't fall as quickly as I did. Nobody could. She can say she feels safe, but does she understand what that really is ? Has she ever felt the way I do ? I can tell myself to accept the fact that she finds it hard to speak out the secret aspects of her life, especially to an almost stranger, but how can she tell me she knows she can talk to me if she doesn't actually do it ? I am trying to be understanding, but how can I really ?

"You are not the only one feeling safe Diana. I can hear you thinking, I know what is going through your head. If there is one person I could tell the whole story of my life to, I promise it is you, as strange as it may sound given the amount of time we have actually seen each other. I do feel safe. Safe enough to talk. But it does not make it easy. The words will not come out easily. I know you can understand. It is hard to you too, isn't it ?"

She is right. I tell myself I could speak to her, but if she asked me right now, would I really ? I feel like telling her, but would the words actually come out of my mouth ? As long as I don't try, I couldn't know, could I ? I want to believe they would, but can I know for sure ? I was so sure just a minute ago, what kind of power does she really have on me ?

"It is. I can read it on you. But we have all the time in the world, don't we ?"

She stares at her smoking mug as she speaks out the last few words and more questions bloom inside my head.

"I watched him die."

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yay we're gonna get into the trauma shit i haven't finished imagining yet-
anyway this kinda sucks but i'm having a hard time writing interesting shit and writing about like relationships bcs guess what i got played and heartbroken so haha, whats love anyway
hope that was entertaining anyway, and at least i have a new haircut from that heartbreak