Thank You

Reality

Chaos is always closer than we might think. Clouds darkening a clear blue sky within moments. The first raindrops finding leaving their marks on dirty, tired faces out on the street. A slip, a fall, a break, after you spent the best day of your life starting your brand-new life. Cancer crawling back into your cells right when you're done celebrating your remission. Pain and death are waiting at the door, a hand on the handle. No one is safe from either of them. So little is needed to make someone fall into the abyss. So little holds us back into this mere illusion we call happiness. But there they are smiling, laughing like there is no tomorrow. And maybe there won't be. We are clueless as to what is bound to happen to us, and most of us decide to ignore the fact that – maybe – the world will end tomorrow. They are laughing, but maybe when they'll step out of this place, chaos will hit them. Would they laugh if they knew one of them realized they got their car keys stolen ? If one of them threw up before reaching the bathroom ? Had a heart attack and dropped dead on the pavement ? Ignorance serves us well. We stay oblivious to reality ; chaos is close, and it is ready to hit us.

"Get your head outta the clouds, missy. There's more out than in."

One brief handshake with reality and a headshake bringing me right into it. I might not be so different from these people laughing at dumb shit and getting off their faces on a weekday. Everybody wants – or needs – to escape somehow.

"You sure you can stay up 'til two ? You look like you're 'bout to fall asleep right there."

"I'm fine," I answer blankly, setting the overflowing beer pint on Eddie's tray, "You know I don't really sleep."

"Well then, come join us after. We'll be out with the guys, they're bringing some people, maybe you'll meet someone."

"Shut up. I don't want to meet anyone. Anyway, I have to wake up tomorrow to go with Ash."

"Oh yeah, it's tomorrow."

"Yeah."

He is lingering a bit too long. I know he would love to fuck me if I gave him the chance.

"Okay, get your ass back to work, Ed. The fucking beers won't serve themselves. You're the one in the clouds right now."

"Well, what can I say ? You're hot, Luna !"

I roll my eyes, but I can't help but let a small smile show. Stupid charmingly clueless boys.

Nights are all the same, yet their colors are so different day after day. Happy-looking people, laughter, young and old couples, dates, reunions, singing, depressed-looking people, a few tears, fights, yells, pictures, alcohol, drunken people with blurred edges. Rewind. There isn't much left to the imagination. Not many surprises, so soon enough, I let my mind wander about in my own imagination. And so have I for years since that faithful night. My body works on itself again, like a mindless robot mechanically achieving about every task it is asked to, while I drown myself in thoughts in my unsteady brain. I never truly need to reattach myself to reality. I am like any of these people ; I flee reality. Maybe most of them do not know. Maybe they aren't aware that chaos is so close, but I am. And if I can't protect myself from it, I can try to run away from it. Who said I could not create my very own reality ? Who said I could not lose myself in it and never ever come back ?

"Come on Upton, you fucking coward !"

One word. One name. It is all it takes to put an end to the very thought that was going through my head. I have never been more awake in years than I am now.

Upton.

"You fucking call me that again, and you can kiss your pretty face goodbye."

It isn't the voice of a child, but then again, it has been so long. Could it truly be ?

"You're the fucking coward. Who do think drank half the fucking bottle ? Not you, Lewis. Shut up and drink."

My eyes are scanning the room. What were the boys' names ?

"Fucking hell, just order a new one if you want me to show you how it's done, you shit. Hey ! Hey, miss ?"

There they are. Those ocean eyes I fell in love with. The ones that haunt my dreams and my nightmares. These eyes I thought I would never see again. I could drown in the intense blue and never try to get out. But they're not hers. They will never be hers again. They're her boys'. And one of them is sitting just a few feet away from me.

It's him. Years older, still a child, yet closer to becoming a man. The fear and horror have disappeared from his face, but a sense of cruel pain is carved onto his face like a curse. I could only see him so much as a child, but how could I be mistaken ? How can you forget the face of a child witnessing their mother's murder ? And those eyes... How could I ever mistake them for anybody else's ?

What is he doing here ? I ran to New York not only because it was far away from the town I grew up, but also because I thought it was impossible to meet anybody you knew in a city as big. But there he is, with his angel face and his painful eyes, staring at me expectantly, not knowing who I really am. Not knowing I have met him before.

I grab my leather jacket and my purse with one hand and seize a bottle of vodka with the other, and I quickly walk towards him, my steps fast but weak. I drop the bottle on the table with one last look at these eyes I could never part from and turn around to leave.

"On the house," I say, or try to say – I can't be sure the words actually made it out of my throat.

I push the old broken door of the bar, and fresh air hits me right in the face, making my eyes watery – or is it really the wind ? I take not time to stop and close it, and I can hear it slam behind me. I just keep on walking, memories flooding my mind once again. All these moments I repressed, shutting them out, burying them deep in parts of my brain I didn't even know about, they all come back running. I am choking. I am dying. And I keep on walking.

Chaos is always closer than we might think. I thought I knew, yet I let myself be surprised. And all the walls I built around myself are collapsing. It happened. I cannot deny it anymore. It is part of my story just as much as it is part of this kid's story. But why do we have to accept the pain ? Why does all the suffering have to be dropped on just a few people ? Knowing how to handle pain does not mean we deserve it, does it ?

I keep walking in the dark. It is staring right at me. But do I have the courage to stare back ?

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i am very well aware that i left you guys without an update for way too long but so much has happened
i had two workshop with a parisian acting school, at the end of which i got accepted into the three-year course which means i am now gonna be a theater student in paris
i also met so many people at this workshop, and these people are literally just amazing, i love them so much, i've been spending most of my time in paris over the last few weeks
i have an apartment in paris now, and for one of the first times in my life, i actually am excited about the future
so yeah sorry about going mia but life's been a bit busy, but hopefully y'all liked this update, even if i know i left you heartbroken for weeks
oh yeah and i'm also falling in love with my theater teacher send help