Thank You

Walks

She supports me as I try standing up, sliding her arm around my waist, immediately sending shivers down my spine. She checks on whether I am leaning on her enough for me to walk and softly smile when her eyes meet mine. As much as the two shining circles of her pupils make my body come alive, the last thing I want is to look at them. I'm afraid of what I could find in them. Pity ? Disgust ? What else could it be after such a sight. What else could she feel towards me than those horrible few emotions ?

We take a few steps in the faded glow of the moon, under the falling snow, but somehow it doesn't seem as peaceful as it was just a couple hours ago. The magic disappeared with all my happy thoughts, if I ever had any. The streets just look like a plain white painting, only not a a good one. She suddenly stops and I have no other choice than to do the same, standing in the now white moonlit city that had haunted me forever. Chills run down my spine.

"Isn't it sad ?"

Her voice is warmer than a hug, yet my heart still feels cold as ice, just as depressing as these few words coming out of her mouth.

"It feels sad now, doesn't it ?"

She stops speaking as she breathes some air out, forming a small cloud of vapor, reminding me of that very first night I saw her. A night she very probably forgot, an insignificant one, although not as much as I am.

"When I saw you outside, just earlier, you seemed so cheerful. Watching you go, walking in your own world in this white paradise, it felt like magic. It felt like you were free under there. Free from the looks of others, from the burden of time and age, free from the world, from the universe. It felt just as if it was the first time you had ever been happy. And that is a unique moment that cannot be recreated."

Only was it merely a feeling ?

"Having to hold you now, not that it would ever bother me don't ever get me wrong, but having you in such a weakened position makes my heart ache."

I want to scream. My chest feels as if it was crushed under too much pressure for me to handle, trying to get to my heat and make it burst. If I could turn back time and erase every minute I had with her, I would. That way, and that would be the only way, the pity could have never been born in her. Pity. No words can describe the hatred I have for myself thinking I could ever make her pity me. Pity. The strangest and worst feeling in the world. Pity. A way to look that I wish I could forget.

"I wish I could be as strong as you are Diana. I can see it in your eyes, the trauma and the sadness that fills you. I know. And yet you came tonight, and braver, you stood there and felt happiness under that gorgeous scenery. Your resilience is a source of endless inspiration, as for me it is anyways. I wish you to know that, and to recognize your force. I envy you. Not for whatever happened to you, that I wish it never occurred, but for the strength in you that allows you to go on. It isn't something that most people get to have, yet you have it, and I do not demand to learn where it came from, but I want you to know how much I respect you for it. And I wish I could say I had this same strength in me but I don't even have to go that much deep inside of me to know that it would be a lie."

"What is it you have to be strong for or about
?"

She doesn't look at me, and her face shows an emotionless look. She may not pity me, but she read me wrong. It might not show just yet, but what, I did collapse right in front of her, choking on my own memories. My eyes drop to the ground just to the thought of it.

"That I'm afraid I cannot tell you. It is a story for another time darling."

We stand in the silence of this organized chaos, watching the snow fall on our bodies, probably waiting for the other to make the first step, literally or figuratively. She breaks her still face slightly biting her lips and smiling just the smallest bit.

"Well. C'mon, my house is only a block from here. Let's hurry and get warm again."

She starts walking again, her embrace tightening around my shoulders just as if she wanted to make sure I wouldn't run away. I let her draw me anywhere she wants, stepping on the white immaculate soil like a ghost, my mind and soul lost back in the theater. Everything around goes back to blurry. A dark nightmare with the only comforting factor of Cate's hand on my body.

Cate. The one who has been haunting my dreams, haunting me from the day I met these bright blue eyes. The one I've been trying to stay open for, the one I talked to like I hadn't muted myself for the last couple of years. The one who saw me amongst the crowd, held me, helped me. The one who talked to me as if I was anything more than just a worthless piece of trash. The one who thought I was special enough to make my childhood dream come true. The one who held my hand, and whose touch made my skin burn, my flesh heat and my body come to life. She is the one who makes me feel the most alive. My own brother didn't give me so much hope and warmth, only maybe was it because I didn't feel dead when he was around me.

"Are you alright ?"

She is the one I have been waiting for, I know.

"Aren't you cold ?"

How could have I let myself seem so weak in front of her ?

"We aren't so far anymore."

How could I ever let the walls I set to protect myself fall before her ?

"Hang on, alright ?"

How could I be so weak and stupid ?

"Honey, you don't look alright... Are you..."

Her arm fall down my shoulder. I run.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
well that wasn't where i was going on the first place but ig itll do
nothing much was happening here but yk i kinda had to make em go somewhere so-
btw thanks for reading guys it means a lot and ik this is a weird ff so yeah ty
~
edit : i've been struggling a lot with my mental health this past month and especially these last couple of weeks so i haven't been able to write anything at all. i usually am one chapter ahead, idk why but that's how i've always written my stories so i had this one ready for over a month now, and i decided to post it and not make you guys wait any longer even tho i haven't started my next chapter yet which feels very weird to me. it's still uncertain as to when i'm gonna write again but i'm trying my best and you'll be updated in july i promise. i hope you liked this anyway and i'll be back as soon as possible.