Thank You

Retell

I know as soon as I will close the door, the wrath of my dear friend Ash will fall upon me, but what other choice do I have ? I have been alone for too long already, and they are waiting for me.

"What the fuck ? Do you know what time it is, Diana ?"

I wince at the use of my name, and even though I'm not entirely facing them, they very clearly notice the discomfort.

"Oh, for fuck's sake, it's a fucking name ! You can go around and tell people your name's Luna, but I'm not 'people', so stop whining about this, okay ?"

Diana. Goddess of the moon. Luna. A name as close to my own as I could possibly bear. From the first day we stepped into this new, awfully big city, I started introducing myself with this new-found name – yet again, a way to distance myself from the past. Only Ash ever uses my old name, most times when they're pissed off at me.

"It's fucking seven ! It's seven, Diana ! Where the fuck were you ? I fucking called ! I called you, and I called the bar, and they told me you left ? You fucking left ? What the fuck is going on ? Since when d'you just leave work like that and come home hours later ? We were all fucking worried ! Your friend Eddie ? He wanted to go to the fucking cops ! D'you even realize what you just fucking did ?"

Cursing isn't something unusual for Ash, but the overuse of it shows just how bad I fucked up. And I know I did.

"You were God knows where, wandering in fucking New York in the middle of the night ? You could've fucking picked up the phone ! Tell us you were fine ! Just fucking tell us you weren't fucking... raped or like, assaulted or some shit ! You just stay out like that, scaring the shit out of us all night, and then you just come back like nothing's fucking wrong ? It's fucking seven ! It's not fine ! It's not okay ! It's not fucking okay ! You can't fucking do that ! You're not a fucking kid anymore !"

That much I know. I stopped being a child when I witnessed half of my family dying in front of me.

"You're s'posed to be fucking responsible ! You're a fucking grown-up, for fuck's sake ! You have fucking responsibilities ! You told me you'd be home after your shift," their voice breaks a little when the last few words come out of their throat, and I can see the tint of disappointment in their eyes, "You told me you'd be home, so that we could wake up fresh and early and you'd go with me to the fucking clinic. But no. You just fucking disappear the night before the one thing I've been fucking waiting for, for years ! Fuck it, Diana ! Can you think of something else but yourself for once ! You're not the only one with fucking issues ! So, stop being..."

"I saw her kid at the bar."

Their mouth hangs open as they look at me, speechless. Confusion is painted all over their features ; they didn't understand – obviously. But it is not much of a habit for me to cut them off when they have something to say about me fucking up, and if they don't exactly get the meaning of my words, they know it most probably means something big. So, here we are, standing still, in front of each other, both of us staying mute. They are waiting for me to say more, to explain myself, but suddenly, all the feelings come flooding back, and I am choking.

The warmth, and the cold, the peace, then the violence, the chaos, the blood, death... It all comes back to me, like it hasn't in years until last night. Walking past the door of our new home, I thought the voices had quieted down, but it's all a lie ; the chaos is so loud in my head. I am not sure if my heart is beating so fast, I can't even feel it anymore, or if it has just stopped beating at all, and – as I knew they eventually would – my legs give up on me. Ash's touch, their panicked voice sounds so far away ; a mere echo from this reality that – for once – I want to crawl back into. I am smothered by too many memories unlocked in so little time, and not only the images flash in my mind, the feelings invade my body as well. Maybe feeling numb wasn't so bad after all.