Thank You

Collapse

My world collapsed as she said those very words. She's not your way out. Was it all she was to me ? A way to escape my own brain, to run away from my countless murderous thoughts ? A mere distraction from the world and its horrors ? Could have I imagined all these new feelings I had blooming inside of me as I watched her, as I talked to her and listened to her ? Could have I misunderstood every bit of information my heart seemed to whisper to my brain anytime I even thought of her ? Could have I faked it all, all along ? Was it not love ? Was it only a perfect illusion ?

These were the few bits of thoughts waltzing all around my brain for days now. After her last few words, my mom had left me go back upstairs, and I locked myself inside my room – as I'm sure she expected me to. I had locked the joint bathroom from the inside so that she couldn't go in – we had another bathroom downstair, this one wouldn't be missed – for I knew she would try to get inside my room once we passed the usual day – or weekend – of sulking. But I had decided not to come out at all ; having the necessary items for surviving quite a bit locked in those two rooms, I just was asking to be left alone for as long as I wanted – and needed.

And as predicted, my mother had tried to break in one Monday morning – school wasn't to be overlooked of course. She had tried to pick the locks with a pair of scissors, but I had left the keys in so that her attempts would be bound to fail. I had heard some swearing and yelling from the other side of the door, but I hadn't moved an inch, lying on my bed. After a while, she hadn't had any other choice but to give up – or give in – and she had left the house for work, leaving me in complete silence to be drowned much further bad the black mist clouding my mind. Over the following days, each time she had knocked, a deepening tint of worry was darkening her voice. I would not answer. I would not make a sound. I would not move at all. All I could do was listen to my brain overworking itself.

I had known - for as long as my brother and father had been gone – that I was seeking solace. I was looking for a source of relief, a way to put the pain aside for a minute, to keep my mind busy enough not to choke over all the thoughts flooding my head. I had tried everything I could think of, and nothing truly worked. It was never enough to really get my mind out of it. A part of me always pictured my late brother or father. I had gotten so angry at the time, screaming and yelling in pain because why would a twelve-year-old deserve to live such a life – if it could even be considered living. What did I do to deserve a fate such as this one ? And then one day, it clicked. I killed them. I killed them. And for that I deserved the suffering. But it didn't mean I didn't try to escape it.

And when she walked into the picture, it felt like a breath of fresh air. Yes, she made me face my demons. Yes, she dragged me out of my comfort zone. But when I was around her, the hurricane in my brain seemed to calm down a bit. I had someone else taking over my mind. Someone who didn't bring guilt, sadness or despair whenever I thought of her. Until now. Well, to be fair, it has been weeks since the thought of her hasn't not brought up dark ideas, but now I have lost her.

After a few days locked inside my bedroom, I had heard our next-door neighbor – whom my mother had probably called for help – talking loudly in our house. He was the well-known handyman of the neighborhood, and he was always up for a new challenge if it included any kind of tinkering. I had known right away that my mom had decided to actually put on a new lock on the door. She couldn't help but feel like I would try to sneak out again after my little rebellion act. I suppose she was right to think so, but I hadn't been able to forgive her as I heard the noises of said neighbor pottering about in our entrance. All I wanted was to see Cate again, no matter the risks.

But all the while, I kept on staring at the blank ceiling, and as days and night passed by, it felt more and more foolish to ever dream of sharing another moment like the one on Christmas. And I keep on staring at the blank ceiling. Nothing I do can ever bring her back to safety. Or bring her back to me. The only thing left is forgetting. Persuading myself that she was but a mere distraction, and that my mother was right. She is not my way out. There is no way out but one I must find by myself. But how do I do that ? Now that I must forget and forgive myself not only for failing my family, but also her.

My brain has blocked all other sounds but the one my thoughts make, but I still don't move when my mom suddenly appears, sitting next to me. I didn't hear her forcing the door again and walking in, and I can't hide that I was startled, but I don't budge. She stays still, next to me, and I can feel her stare on me. On my face.

"Grant worked out your lock for me. But I guess you heard."

The voice is soft, almost sweet, but it doesn't make it much easier to listen to it. It is the same one that brought such chaos upon my mind. These few words as sharp as knives still echo inside my brain. Her voice. Cold as ice. There wouldn't be anything harder than to feel truly reassured by it, and my body goes stiff and numb.

"Diana. Diana, can you look at, please ? Diana."

Even if I wanted to, I don't think I have enough strength left in my body to roll over and oblige. I had the necessary to survive a few days in my room, but I didn't consume much more than the bare minimum. Just what was needed to survive. And surviving was what all of my energy was spent doing.

"Diana, you can't just... close yourself to everything like that."

Yes. I can.

"There's a whole world out there. It's more than just... her."

No.

"She's not all there is. There's so much to see. She's not the only one in your life. I'm here too. I can... I can show you things too. I can share... you can share things with me."

No.

"You have to get up now, okay ? Do you think Cate would want you to..."

"Don't say her name !"

The last bits of adrenaline in me make me sit up, my face distorted by the pain, and the rage.

"How dare you ? How can you ? You don't know what she'd want me to do. What she wants me to do. And not in any way are you entitled to speak in her name. Never. Never. You're just jealous. You just want love like that again, but you can't. You can't even get my love, and that's why it hurts to see me love someone else. You want the love of your daughter ? Just start acting like you really care about me. Like... you don't see me as the monster who killed the two people you loved most. It's fucking pathetic, you know ? Taking her away from me, just because you're jealous. It's not fair. Now, I've lost her and..."

I choke on the tears starting to rise in my throat and collapse on her lap. I can feel her muscles contract for a second – the sudden touching is sobbing is quite surprising coming from me – but soon enough she relaxes and starts stroking the side of my head softly. More memories come flooding back with each interaction that I have with her. Memories of her, of our family. Of Cate.

"You're gonna take a shower, okay ?" she quietly speaks, and I know she tries not to mind what I just said, "We're gonna get you back into the world."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i don't really have much to say really, except i got the name grant right out of all the young dudes. hey marauders fans, you've found me.