Thank You

Fall

TW : depression/suicidal ideation
(this is the last time i put a tw, just know that major themes similar to these or talking ab violence are coming and probably staying throughout the story so if you're sensitive just stop here because i'm done w tw afterwards)

The streets painted in white quickly become a bleak canvas as I pass them, and I wouldn't be able to tell if it's because of the speed mixing the images forever, or because of my messed up and foggy mind. My legs feel heavy, yet I don't seem to be able to feel them no more, my body dissociating from my mind, controlling itself to an unhealthy extent. Each step is lighter yet harming me more than the last and I'm unable to act or get a word out when I collapse on the cold ground. My body hits the floor in a muffle thud, blurred twice more by my detached mind.

My limbs are frozen, like broken and ripped apart from my body. Too soon I'm short of air, my face buried in the carpet of snow, oxygen unable to reach my nose or mouth, and I wouldn't even mind going now. Leaving. What is it that's stopping me, truly ? I have no attachment to this world anymore, and although Cate made me feel like I did, now that she's seen me look so weak, do I really ? If there is one thing I know, it is that different pushes people away, and weird scares them, so what does both do ? I lost her the moment my mask fell down, the moment I lost control. I have been trying, if not only painfully existing - because living would be too great of a word to use for myself - but what for exactly ? My whole world revolved on the people in my life who left me, who left this world, so what on Earth for am I staying ? Most days don't let me see colors, they aren't even black or white, just plain grey, just like the city I step in everyday. My mind is foggy, my heart bleeding, and the bizarre shape I look at in the mirror neither feels like me anymore, nor does it feel like a person. I lost my soul when I lost them. I lost my reason to live, to feel vibrant, colorful, to feel things. I lost the flame that made me burn from the inside and attack the rest of the world with all the talents I had to give. Most days feel the same now, one endless loop, a few hours on repeat, only half awake, already half dead. I am walking with no aim, no purpose whatsoever, and no real idea of what I am doing, or supposed to be doing. I feel like a doll at a puppet show. The broken doll children used to beg for, but quickly forgotten as its shell shattered the pieces, leaving all the dust of a sad and forgotten memory. Not even the ones controlling me knowing me anymore. My full body is empty, most times I don't feel, and it kills me. I thought she made me feel alive, and maybe she did for a moment but now I am alone again. As I will always be.

But just as a sign of disagreement, a proof of my never-ending wrongness, I can suddenly feel two warm hands on me, rolling me around. Blue has never felt warmer, yet I feel so cold. Not physically no, but inside, my blood runs cold, freezing, just as a death wish. Her fingers brush my face, a desperate attempt to bring back the life in me, but does she only know that I've been dead inside for way more weeks than I could ever count ? The worry is painted all over her face, disfiguring it, yet she looks beautiful as ever, her eyes glowing with peaking tears and her hair messily falling on her forehead. How could I allow myself to lose someone such as her ? Only did I ever had her by my side ?

"Diana, sweetheart..."

I can't feel my heart anymore. She made it beat but it's gone.

"Diana... You don't have to run from me. I don't know what scares you so much you have to flee, but you are safe as long as you stand by my side. Just you know that, alright ?"

The words only barely make it through my ears. What are they again ?

"God, I thought you were... I got scared when i didn't see you get up. I thought you could have been severely injured or... or worse."

Would it be worse ? I would finally be free. By leaving this world I could finally be happy, truly, genuinely. And the world would be free from the burden I am. So what would truly be worse ? Not me being gone I'm afraid, that would only be a relief, not only for me, but for everybody.

"I know we haven't seen each other for more than a couple of times but it does not mean that I do not care. Trust me I do. More thanI have in months, if not years. It may sound stupid, foolish, childish even, but I do. I can't have you hurting yourself or getting hurt. No matter how bad."

Why all the lies ? Why can't she just leave now, because if I know about it, the last thing I want to see is her disgust. Worry is ugly but disgust makes me want to die, even a different thing from wanting to stop existing. Isn't making me believe I could reach her enough ? Does she also need to dig deeper into the wound in my heart ?

"I know a bit about what is going on in that head of yours but I will not let go of you. Not until I am sure you will be alright. So I am going to help you stand up and walk, an you will come with me to my house until I feel you can be trusted to go back home without harming yourself."

Her voice is comforting yet adamant. My body goes back to its puppet form, and I can't help but let myself be dragged by her, no words or feelings in mind, just a blank waiting to be filled.

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i put a bit too much of myself in my my characters. now you know ab 1% of what's going on inside my head.