Befriending Ash has been the right move. If they cannot quite get Cate and all of these memories out of my head, they manage to get me out of my mechanical state every morning, and for a few weeks now, I can manage that by myself. They have tried to give me a million other reasons to live, and somehow – quite surprisingly both me and them – they are succeeding.
The things they took me out to do seemed futile at first. Stupid. Childish. I did not want to be dragged out of my house to do this kind of useless things, but it appears it was exactly what I needed. I needed to get out of this mindset I had for too long and start acting like any teenager these days. So, they took me out shopping, bowling, eating. We went to the cinema – I had to correct them when they used the word 'theater' – to watch at lest half a dozen movies by now. We went on picnics and walks. Anything not to let me drown in my thoughts again, and even though I was meeting with them back at my house, they had a harder time reaching me after I spent time with Ash.
People started talking again when we started spending time together, and if rumors about my own sexuality had never truly happened before, they now fused from everywhere, all the time. We could hear slurs coming anytime of the day, and everybody started to close themselves to us – even more than before – or rather close themselves to me, since they had singled Ash out a long time ago. If I thought it would affect and upset me at the very beginning, I was wrong. It isn't exactly that I do not care, but it is nothing compared to the relief I get every day by hanging out with Ash. They don't get to me as much as they would have had I been alone. And now I get to feel a few drops happiness now and then. I would take that anytime even if it comes with a few insults.
They do not really talk about it to me, but I know for a fast that Ash is a lot happier than they used to be as well. Just having someone to talk to, someone who cares, is a big deal, and a relief. They talked to me about this long year after their coming out when there wouldn't be a day when someone wouldn't hit them, all that just because of their gender identity and sexuality. They told me about the rainfalls of insults, and maybe it is how I am able to take the slurs so lightly. For them, this whole first year, it was their welcoming gift every morning when they walked into the school. It wasn't ten slurs a day ; it was ten times more. They told me all about details I had never witnessed. How this one girl had taken them by their hair and lead them to the toilets in which they had peed, and how she put their head inside the toilet bowl for nearly thirty seconds. They told me how one day they had had to stich themselves up with a sewing kit from an old Christmas cracker, all because they didn't want to upset their parents who had a hard time accepting the non-binary identity of their child.
They didn't cry, and their eyes stayed dry, but I could tell from their confession that they had already spent hours crying about these atrocities, and it made me even angrier at these people. How could a human do that to another human ? How different is someone even if they don't fit into the binary system that a stupid society deemed normal ? If anything, Ash is more of a human than the monsters who harassed them all day long. It makes me feel enraged that someone as kind and lovable as Ash could be treated this way, and in those days, it makes me feel enraged that someone as kind and lovable as Cate could be treated the way she is being treated.
So, we didn't spend too much time lingering in the past, and any time we hear a slur about either one of us, I can't help but tell Ash how strong, how brave they are for having faced and survived something a million times worse on their own. Something stronger than friendship was built between us. I felt genuine inspiration coming from them. They impressed me. They said the same of me, but I don't think they understand just how much they inspire me to grow from my past, no matter how harsh or terrible it is. They are the perfect example of resilience. And this what I long for. Resilience. I want to find how to be happy despite the things I had to see.
I believe we both found each other at a time when we needed each other. We found each other, and we did not make each other better, we helped each get better by ourselves. We did not depend on each other, we supported each other, and still do. My mistake has probably been to rely on people too much anytime I found someone to care about. If you want to save yourself, the only person able to do that is you. It's me. And with Ash's help, I feel like I can truly get there and not collapse even if we happened to lose each other.
However, I can't see either one of us losing the other anytime soon, if not never. I have never grown so close to someone so quickly apart from Cate, and I feel like we wouldn't want to get rid of the person who helps us getting better day after day. Nothing seems to be getting in the way of our relationship, not even sleeping together, and it won't be coming from us either, this shall never break. We both found a platonic soulmate in each other, without truly looking for one.
My mother welcomed them inside our house, even though I could feel she was upset about me being out of the house even more often. She could not say no to a friend ; the first in years. Maybe the first since Romeo. I can see she is happy to see me look a bit happier, but I can tell she wishes she could be a part of this. One of the reasons why I am able to get to a better place. She wishes she could talk to me. She doesn't quite understand how Cate and Ash got to the real me so quickly, not when she has known me for my entire life but still feels like a stranger most of the time. Maybe with time she will become more to me. Maybe I will learn to open up to her. If I am changing, I can change as much, can't I ?
Meeting Ash was for the best. For both of us. For every person who knows us, or at least those who care. Time is all we need now, to grow, evolve and find ourselves a little better. And maybe, maybe I will grow to forget about Cate.
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i am currently in the process of writing a new cate x oc story! i will write a few chapters before posting the first one though, because i want to be sure i know where i'm going and if the inspiration sticks to me, but the first chapter is 2200 words long so i hope it goes well. if it does, and if you're interested, i'll tell you when i post it!
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Thank You
أدب الهواة'You've got to be grateful for the good things you have in life. Otherwise you'll die. A single thank you can save a life.' Cate Blanchett/OC (GxG)
