Thank You

Feelings

"He wasn't with me. He wasn't there. He wasn't with me. He wasn't with me."

My mind is foggy again. The world is blurry, and it's spinning around me like an endless nightmare. I hear voices, but they're far away, and I can't discern which belongs to who. The images of reality get mixed up with the ones horrifying me in my head, and everything feels so dark, so cold. Everything I had to keep in is spreading in my body, invading every single inch of my brain, fully becoming me, just as if the memories were now the ones defining me. Only, haven't they been defining me for years now ? I don't even realize just how much my body is shaking in this moment before warm hands cut through the cold running through my veins.

My muscles slowly relax, but her touch is magic ; I am getting out of my trance softly. After a few minutes, or what I believe to be a few minutes, I hesitantly lift my head, my gaze following closely, meeting hers almost instantly. The second I see her, my mind is flooded with the warm images of her in this room that makes both of us so comfortable : home. She is smiling. This smile. The only smile still alive that makes me melt in a moment. She reached my heart so fast, yet I have felt more afraid. The feelings she unlocked in me seem stronger than the fear. Yes. I could get hurt any second, but will it really change anything seeing how miserable I feel most of the time ? If she left me, at least it would give me a new reason why I would want to throw myself out of my window. My life is no leverage anymore. I would give it to save anybody I love. Her.

"I know I am nowhere close to being as valuable to you than him, but I am here now. You are not alone. Not anymore, if that is how you used to feel. Besides, he is not gone. He was with you. He is. You may not be able to see him, but he can see everything that you see through your eyes. He is still alive in your memories, in your heart. He still lives thanks to you, thanks to your love. He was there tonight. Perhaps not in the way wanted him to be, but he saw what you saw, and he felt what you felt."

I press my eyelids so tightly it hurts, but the words mean much more than I would admit the do. They are the ones I have been waiting to hear for years, and now, here they are. How to react to them ? I have no clue. They echo in my head, and I wish she would say them over and over again for all of eternity. I have been waiting so long for someone to tell me that he wasn't really dead, that he wasn't really gone, but that in a way he could still be alive. And now that it has just happened, I feel a mixture of relief, nostalgia, and hope. Hope. I had forgotten what it even felt like. So long it almost was hard to recognize it, but I did, and how good that felt.

Her hand slides down my arm and stops on my hand, covering it fully with her long and slender fingers. Her thumb strokes my skin softly in a comforting speed and a loving intention. This smile is golden. Anytime. I wrap my own fingers around hers and press them tightly, not willing to let go of her. She knows. She knows, and she won't let go of me either, that I know.

"Cate. You are as valuable as he was to me. Don't say you aren't. I don't think you can imagine the extent of my feelings for you. I have never felt this way with anybody but him. And yet, this is different. But one thing is sure, I have never been as comfortable with anyone but Romeo as I am around you. I don't want to sound strange or creepy, but here is the truth : you are the one who has gotten me to hang onto life lately. The fact that we have spent barely any time together doesn't matter to me, it is just about the way I feel. I never thought this would happen. I never thought someone could take an as big part of my life as he did, let alone that quickly."

Her thumb stopped moving and her face froze a little, but the warmth in her eyes is still there. She is looking for the right words to use, as she always does. The fact that her smile got smaller isn't underwhelming to me, I know it doesn't mean she took my words the wrong way. After a few seconds only she clears her throat and tightens her grip around my hand, making my heart flutter a bit.

"You are a breath of fresh air, darling."

Her use of the word 'darling' whenever she speaks to me makes me go crazy.

"I have never met anyone quite like you. Then, of course, every person is unique, but you just gave off a whole different vibe. From the first second I laid eyes on you, I could see there was something so special about you, but I had yet to find out in which way. That night, under the pole, all alone, I could see how damaged you seemed. Strong, but fragile still. This had never happened to me before either. I had never felt the same kind of attraction I felt towards you, and if I have, never as much. You have me feeling all kinds of ways, darling. I feel alive around you. I thought I was crazy, obsessing about a young girl half my age, but you are just so different, so special. I cannot walk away from you, it would seem."

She chuckles lightly and doesn't let go of my hand as she reaches for her mug and takes a small sip.

"It would seem you are my current reason to smile. Such a weird feeling. Such a weird experience. I wouldn't change it in anyway. Life can sometimes mark a pause on all the pain."

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i'm a horrible at updating
last couple months have been a weird ride