Thank You

Ash

I know I have seen them before. I just had never seen them up close. Not they would have let me. Two years ago, they made the mistake to come out as non-binary in a small city not yet ready to accept them for who they were. And for a year, they were the object of all kinds of bullying and harassment. If I hadn't been so trapped inside my own mind for so long, I would have tried to reach out, but I didn't. Over the past year, the violence has faded, disappeared, but they remained an outcast. Just like me.

"What ?"

The four-word question brings me back into the world at once. They take a long drag from the fag they just stole from me before answering carefully but in a matter-of-factly way.

"Someone like you, must've been a heartbreak to make you kill yourself like that."

"Someone like me."

It's more of a statement than a question.

"Yeah. You lost a lot, right ?"

I don't answer and keep on smoking, looking into the distance.

"Your dad, right ? And your brother, I heard," they pause ever so slightly to inhale some more smoke, "Wasn't around at the time, but people speak. Hell, they fucking speak."

They stub out their cigarette angrily and shake their head.

"Fucking assholes, these guys. If anything, they should've been there for you. Like pushing you away is gonna make 'em immune to any kind of shitty thing."

I stay silent still. I don't know if the words connect in my brain yet.

"Anyway. Never seen you destroy yourself that much. Just figured something happened. Something bad. Something that hurt you, like inside. You don't try and kill yourself like that if it's not about the heart."

I let out a dry chuckle.

"You've been observing me ? How do you know so much about me, huh ? Got a crush or something ?"

"No. Just care about the people who don't hate on me."

I know I shouldn't be so rude, and it hits me that they only want to be friendly, but I have never been good at this socializing business.

"And I know what it's like to be fucked over, it's not funny. Never a good time to be alone. So. Just wanted to talk before you do some shit you really regret, y'know ?"

"Mmmh."

They could never imagine what it is to be me. To live what I lived. To be in my mind.

"I know you don't care, but like, it gets easier. Gets fucking easier."

"What the fuck would you even know about it ?" I snap, looking right at them.

Their eyes are defiant. But they're compassionate. They are not leaving.

"Dunno. Maybe nothing. But you're fucking struggling, that I know."

I look away, shaking my head with my eyes closed. Can I blink the pain and the memories away ?

"Struggle, I know what that is. Come on, you know who I am. I had a million reasons to step in front of that damn bus, and I didn't. It gets easier. Promise."

I open my eyes back again.

"Come on. Tell me. Who's got you like that ? I'm sure they're no good for you."

"No ! No, they're... She's the most perfect human I have ever met. I love her. She is the one."

"Does she love you back ?"

They don't say anything about the fact that "they" are indeed a "she". They would know.

"Yes. Yes, she does."

"You sound sure."

"It's just... obvious. It's a twist of fate."

"Then, what's wrong with her ?"

"Nothing's wrong with her. What's wrong is what's done to her."

I can't help but roll my hands into fists at the thought of Andrew.

"He fucking hits her. He fucking abuses her. That monster."

They don't reply anything, but I can feel their stare on me.

"He hits her. I think he rapes her. She's in danger, and I can't do anything. I don't do anything. He's going to kill her, and I won't have done anything to stop him."

"Whoever he is, you know he can't get away with hitting someone, right ? We'll just... call the police, y'know. Stop him."

"I can't ! We can't. He is the police. There is nothing to be done about it. I tried. I went there to try and save her. To try and get her out. But he was waiting for me, and he hit me. I want to go back every day, but I know when I left that night, he hit her. And I don't want to be the reason why she's hurt. I can't. I'm helpless. I'm useless. I can't help her. I don't if she is alright, I don't know anything. Maybe he has already killed her. Her and her baby. Maybe it is too late already. And I didn't do anything."

"She's alive. If she wasn't, we would know. It would be in the papers or something. She's alive. But... her baby ? Who is she ? She's not another teenage girl, no ?"

"No. She isn't. But it doesn't matter. I love her."

"I get that. But you can't blame yourself. You don't have that kind of power, y'know ? It's not your fault. It's his. He's a monster, you said it, right ? No decent person hits someone – abuses someone like that. We should really try and tell someone..."

"No ! It's only going to make it worse. He will know it was me, and she will take all of the backlash. I can't do that."

"But there has to..."

"There is nothing that can be done. So, killing myself by chain-smoking is a pretty good escape. I have to get her out of me. Out of my mind. Out of my heart. But I just can't. So maybe life isn't worth living, after all."

"Maybe it isn't. But you can find something worth living. Come on."

They extend their arm toward me in a gesture telling me to grab their hand.

"Take it," they say as I hesitate, a wondering look on my face, "You deserve a life. Everybody does. You're not gonna stop living because she gets a shit life. I'd say we find something to help her, but..."

"There's nothing..."

"... to be done. Yeah. Got that. Well, if that's the case, I'll make you forget. But dying's not the ideal fucking thing, I promise, I tried it. So come on now."

Their hand comes closer, and there's a few seconds before I seize it.

"Diana."

"Ash."

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kinda meh but anyway