I take the straw from the side of the bottle and place it into the liquid, taking a sniff of it before scrunching up my face. I forgot to never sniff these, they smell like chalky gone off milk. I sigh. I don't want to drink it but I know that if I don't, it'll only get forced down inside of me later so I slowly put the straw between my lips and sip.
"So, what's your favourite colour, Cara?" Jai asks me and as I swallow my first sip of the fortasip, I look into his relaxed face.
"Black, all the way. My favourite colour for everything is black," I say, gesturing to my clothes and hair.
"Okay, I could've probably guessed that one," Jai laughs.
"What about you?" I say, taking another small moutful of fortasip.
"Well, I'm a bit torn between blue and purple. I like both a lot and can't pick between them," Jai smiles. "What's your.... favourite animal!" I hum slightly, unsure.
"Maybe either snakes or dolphins. I love snakes, they're so cool and cute but dolphins are so smart and funny sometimes," I'm smiling slightly and when I look down, I realise I've drank nearly half of my fortasip. Distractions really do help!
"My favourite animal has to be a lion. They're just amazing, what else is there to say?" For some reason, I'm not surprised at his being a lion. It just seems to suit him.
"Hmmm how about... your skills! What skills do you have?" I smirk at this question.
"I can do a jager bomb with a straight face and I can shotgun a whole can of monster energy!" I say and Jai laughs.
"I mean, apart from the underage drinking being a bad thing, that's a good life skill for sure!" Jai says before laughing again. I only have a few more sips to go now.
"Okay okay, my skill is probably that I'm a pretty decent cook," he says and I nod, smiling.
"That's a very useful talent!" I say, attempting to take another sip of fortasip before realising I've finished. My mood drops instantly and Jai notices.
"Hey, it's okay. You're doing a good thing, remember? This is good," he smiles caringly.
"I know... it's just that my eating disorder doesn't really agree..." I sigh, rubbing my eyes with my hands.
"Look, how about we put the bottle into the bin and we can go outside for your smoke, yeah? You've definitely earned it. Remember Cara, this is good," I force a weak smile and nod and Jai takes the handles of the chair, pushing me to the bin where I drop the bottle in and then pushing me through the communal area and down the corridor to the nursing office where he tells me to wait outside before going in and closing the door. Suddenly, I'm alone and my mind begins it's screaming fit.
purge
fat
Purge
Fat
PURGE
FAT
P U R G E
F A T
And without a moment of thinking, I'm up out of my wheelchair and sprinting down the corridor back to where my bedroom is only to throw my body against the locked door. No no no no it can't be locked I need to empty I need to fix this I made a mistake!
I throw my body against the door again however a nurse notices and begins running towards me.
"Hey, no no no no!" And in just a moment, she is beside me with her arms around me holding me back and I stop fighting and freeze. My eyes fill with tears and I break down, sliding down to sit on the floor and curling up in her arms.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I hate this is hate this I hate my mind," I'm sobbing the words in her arms as she gently strokes my hair.
"It's okay, it's okay now. I've got you. Come on, let's go back to the office, okay? I think Jai was going to take your outside wasn't he?" I nod, wiping tears off of my face and allowing the young female to help me up.
"It's okay, I'm Kat and I'm here to help you. Let's go," she rubs my back and we walk down the corridor again. When I look up, I see most of the patients sitting in the communal area staring at me and instantly look down again.
"They're judging me," I whisper to Kat. I feel so ashamed.
"No, honey. They're not. They're remembering. Remembering themselves doing exactly what you did when they were admitted here first," she says calmly, comforting me just a bit. As we turn the corner, I see Jai standing outside of the office and instantly mouth that I'm sorry and as Kat leaves me with him, he thanks her and helps me sit down in my chair. In his left hand, he holds my open box of cigarettes with the clipper inside and hands them to me with a small comforting smile before whelling me to the main door where he buzzes us out. Once we are outside the door, he stops for a moment and crouches down to my level.
"Cara, it's okay. You don't need to worry about that, it happens with most people on their first few days and it's okay, you're okay. You didn't do anything bad. Drinking that fortasip was a huge step and that's the kind of thing that will help me prove to the doctor that you are complying with us and will help you earn more privileges. I'm proud of you, okay?" I look into his eyes, crying the whole time.
"Thank you, Jai. You're so kind thank you. It's just so hard," I say and he nods.
"I know, i know. Come on, let's get outside. Fresh air will probably help ground you a bit, okay?" I nod and he gets back up, returning behind me to push me outside the main door and over to the smoking are where I instantly pull out one of my smokes, placing it between my lips and using my hand to shield it from the breeze as I light it. The first inhale has me relaxed and I exhale with a sigh.
"Thank you, Jai. I've been needing this for days," I say and he chuckles.
"It's alright, you earned it though, remember. This was your hard work that got you this," I smile at him slightly, flicking ash onto the floor and inhaling again.
"So, what do you smoke?" I ask, smirking.
"You're going to judge me for this but I smoke rollies," he says and I sigh dramatically.
"Well, nobodies perfect!" I say, laughing. "What baccy do you use? If you say bloody cutters choice then I'm out though..." I raise my eyebrows.
"Oh God no, not cutters choice. I would never go near that. Nah, amber leaf," he says and I nod.
"Amber leaf isn't too bad but nah, I got to stick with my straights. B&H Blue all the way!" I raise my fist before stubbing out the end of my cigarette and putting it into the little smoking bin.
"Alright, you ready to go back in?" He says and I look up at him, nodding.
"Alright, let's go," And as he wheels me back inside, I think that, for a moment, I feel okay.
YOU ARE READING
Fade Into Darkness
Teen Fiction⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ Cara wants to shrink. She wants to get herself as small as possible, to push the limits of life. She has no care for safety or life. No concern for anything but her anorexia nervosa which guides her closer to the edge every day...
