Fade Into Darkness

London.

I scream.

"Alright Luv, why are ya screamin!?" A very confused man lifts his hand off of my shoulder as I jolt awake.

"Huh? Oh god, I'm sorry!" I feel so embarassed. The poor guy was just trying to wake me and I screamed like a weirdo.

"It's alright hun, don't worry. Pretty deep sleep ya was in! Thought I'd wake ya up. Train's 'ere!" I look around, trying to ground myself, and sure enough, we are here. The train has stopped and passengers are climbing off of the train and onto the busy platform with their bags and briefcases. I murmer another embarassed apology as the man heads off of the train with everyone else. After pulling my bag onto my shoulder, I join the flow.

Outside, it's busy. Really busy. I get pushed and shoved around my hasty travellers, desperate to reach their destinations. I try to push myself through the flow however I begin to panic.
I've never been good in crowds.
Spotting a toilet nearby, I make a quick diversion and head inside, locking the door behind me and leaning against it with a sigh of relief.
I pee quickly before washing my hands and checking my makeup in the mirror.
It's still unsmudged, surprisingly.
With another breath, I plug my headphones in and put Peep on shuffle.
I have quite a diverse taste for music, to be honest. I love so many different artists like MCR, BVB, PATD, FIR, TØP, FOB, YUNGBLUD, Lil Peep, Bastille, Bowie, Imagine Dragons and soooo many more. I just like what I like, I suppose.

Anyway, ignoring the missed calls and text messages pleading for my location, I walk out into the station again. It's a bit less busy and so I am able to navigate to the exit where I emerge onto the street of Euston Station. Not knowing where I am, I basically wander until I reach a park. It's currently about 4pm so I need to find somewhere to settle for the night. I bring up google as I wander and search for local hotels, scrolling through ridiculous prices until I find a cheap one. It looks pretty shit but it will keep me sheltered I suppose. £33 a night without food or anything. That's fine by me, I'll just get my own stuff. I don't need that hotel junk, it will only make me gain and that is the OPPOSITE of what I want.

No way.

I bring the hotel up on maps and it is a half an hour walk away which I don't mind. If I jog, I can bring it down to 15 or 20 minutes as maps are for slow walkers anyway. With a quick check of the route, I head off at a light jog and maintain it for about 10 minutes when I notice a little supermarket. I haven't eaten today so I decide to head in there and buy some food.

I wander through the aisles, doing my favourite thing and imagining myself tasting every food.

As I picture it, I can almost feel the Quavers dissolving on my tongue and the crunch of the Doritos.
I imagine myself biting into a slice of pizza, the cheese stretching away from my mouth to the slice as I chew on the greasy mix of tomato, cheese and pepperoni dough.

I imagine gorging myself on all of the sweets, the sour ones burning my tongue, the sweet ones taste lingering in my mouth.

It's all so realistic that I can almost taste it.
Almost.
I need to remind myself that I won't though. I never will. I worked hard to have this much strenth and courage and this body, I am not losing it all to this junk that will give me a few minutes of pleasure.
I have a body better than all of that.
I have a body that is so small, it makes people stare. I have a body so small that people are too scared to hug me tightly in case I snap. I have a body that is so tiny that the girls in the hall wish they were like me and beg to know my secret.

What is my secret?

Sickness.

A sick sense of control that for some reason, I and so many others idolize for ourselves but hate for anyone else.
A sick kind of suffering that will torture anyone who follows it day after day but will also give them such false hope and happiness that they will never want to give it up until the day they die.

That's my secret.

And so, I leave the shop with some sugarfree gum and a 'protien pot' consisting of 27 spinach leaves (I counted) and 2 hard boiled eggs.
As I walk the rest of the way to the hotel, I eat the pot. I eat the spinach leaves which add up to about 6 calories and then I eat just the whites of the eggs which are 16 calories each.
In total, that leaves me at 38 calories for the day. I put two pieces of gum in my mouth. 40 now. As I praise myself for the self restraint, I realise that I am outside the hotel and stop walking. With an anxious breath, I head inside. The bag on my back is killing me and I desperately need to put it down. My legs also ache and I'm slightly dizzy, though it has definately eased a bit since dinner.
The lady at the desk is tired. Despite the heavy makeup, you can still see those eye bags as she asks for my details and gives me a clipboard to fill in.
I write that I am 17, praying that she doesn't check the birth date on my ID however she doesn't bother to ask for it.

Wow, this does seem easy.

After I pay £99 in cash for the 3 nights I plan to stay, she passes me a room key, murmers '204' and turns back to her phone. I thank her quietly and head up the stairs to the second floor where I walk to the door of 204 and unlock it.

[EDITED]