The shower is nice, the water cleaning me in body and soul. I also find my razor inside the shower bag and use it to shave my hairy legs, bikini line and armpits. I spend ten minutes (standing) in there easily and apologise, hiding my frustration, when Daniel reminds me my time is up through the door. Thankfully he doesn't know I wasn't seated otherwise I'd have been in trouble!
"You can have five more minutes but then we'll open the door, okay?" I call back to him in agreement, shutting off the water and pulling the towel around my shaking body. I refuse to look in the floor length mirror as I dry my skin off and wrap my hair in the towel. Instead, I just focus on covering myself in moisturiser and getting dressed in my briefs, shorts, sports bra, t-shirt and hospital socks all done with my eyes closed. I then open the door slightly so the staff will be able to see me when they check back up on me. I brush my teeth and hair and then put it into two braids covering each violently protruding collarbone. I then take my makeup bag and put some subtle stuff on to cover my patchy red tear irritated skin and some eyeliner wings, smoky eye shadow to cover my tired, puffy eyes and black lipstick to top it all off. I always feel much more confident in makeup. I then spray myself with some deodorant and walk back into the room where I ditch my dirty clothes, towel and toiletries on the chair and climb into bed.
"Hiya Hun! I'm back, how was your shower?" Beckie sits on the edge of my bed, taking my hand.
"It was nice, thanks. I feel much better now," she smiles.
"That's great! Well, your makeup looks beautiful, lovie. I'm just here with your next fortasip. Your parents will be here in half an hour. Are you ready to drink it?" I swallow the lump in my throat and nod, allowing Beckie to hand me the bottle. She moves off of my bed onto the chair next to it and pats my hand again.
"You've got this, sweetie,"
And I do it. I drink it. Every last drop, in 15 minutes.
"You did so well, Cara! That's great!" I'm praised and feel slightly proud of myself, aside from the raging anger and painful guilt of anorexia and the awful bloating pain in my stomach.
At least Beckie doesn't leave and instead chats with me about home life, hobbies and interests for my post meal support. We talk about when I ran away and I tell her all I remember as she attaches me back to my IV which is some fluids and glucogel to help my sugars. The glucogel is a whole other level of sickly sweet so I'm glad I don't need to drink it.
I tell her about everything. My teacher, leaving school, running, the train journey, being in London, the hotel, shopping, the police, running, the train, everything up until being found and she listens to me and we even make a few jokes to cheer up the situation when my eyes fill with tears.
As we talk, I drink two cups of water myself and soon enough, my parents arrive and take their seats beside my bed where I lay, curled up in a blanket. They ask how my day was and I give them a bland answer of 'fine' before changing the subject to talk about them. They tell me how they've been cleaning the house and my room where they found my backup set of scales, binge food, smokes and lighters and laxatives. I'm furious.
"WHY WOULD YOU EVEN GO IN MY ROOM? THATS A PRIVATE SPACE, YOU KNOW THAT!" I shout at them, ignoring the fast paced beeps of the machine as my heart rate goes up. I'm sitting fully upright now, rage making my body tremble as though I'm having an internal earthquake.
"We had to, clearly you can't be trusted enough with that privacy!" My dad's words only infuriate me more and I glare at him.
"FUCK OFF, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE INVADED MY ROOM IN THE FIRST PLACE!" My voice echoes down the halls and I faintly hear a nurse at the door asking if everything is okay. I'm too angry at my parents to focus much on her.
"INVADED? WHY IS EVERYTHING SO DRAMATIC WITH YOU, CARA? DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND HOW HARD THIS IS FOR US AS WELL? EVERYTHING IS LIKE WALKING ON FUCKING EGGSHELLS WITH YOU BECAUSE WE ARE SO AFRAID THAT IF WE DO SOMETHING WRONG THEN IT'LL UPSET YOU AND YOU'LL STOP EATING AGAIN!" I growl, rolling my eyes. My mum is crying beside my angry Dad but I ignore her.
"OH WOW, YEAH, SO HARD. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE THE ONE CONSTANTLY FIGHTING WITH YOUR OWN FUCKING HEAD, STARVING, COLD AND ALONE. YOU DON'T HAVE ANOREXIA SCREAMING AT YOU LIKE A BITCH ALL DAY!" I throw the blankets away from me and jump out of bed, shaking when I get to my feet. Two nurses come in and attempt to soothe me, talking quietly and pushing me back towards my bed however I push them away, ripping my monitors off of me and tearing out my second IV of the day.
"GET OFF OF ME! I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL, NONE OF YOU GET THIS NONE OF YOU WILL EVER COME CLOSE TO GETTING THIS!" And with a final scream of anger and a rush of adrenaline, I push the nurses away and begin to run down the corridor. My legs feel weak beneath me but they're strong enough to carry me out of the ward exit where I smash the button and push the doors apart. They nearly hit someone but I have no time to apologise as I race down the hall. Blood drips off of my fingers and tears stream down my face as I run through the hospital corridors, my eyes fixed in front of me. As I race through the hospital, the shouts of staff behind me begin to fade until I can't hear them anymore. I'm nearly at the front hospital exit when two bulky male security guards dash out in front of me, one managing to grab my hand. I kick him in the shin and scream however he only grips tighter. In a fit of pure rage, I bite his hand and he let's go, giving me the opportunity to run out of the door and across the small road for taxi pickups, causing a car to slam it's breaks and beep at me. I keep running up a small grass bank and over where I trip over my own feet and fall face first into the damp, green grass. I lay still, sobbing into my hands as a security guard and Nurse Beckie catch up, both of them out of breath. I don't bother to get up and run again. My legs are burning and my arm is still bleeding from where the IV was. I'm weak. I'm exhausted. Beckie sits down beside me on the grass, whispering kind, comforting words to me and brushing my hair with her fingertips whilst the security guard I had bitten turns away to murmur into his radio. After a minute or two, I can hear my sobbing mum's cries and my dad's voice comforting her getting closer. I look across the grass and see Daniel's legs along with another man's walking towards us. Daniel is pulling a wheelchair along behind him and when they're beside me, he bends down to look at me.
"Cara, are you going to come and sit in this chair so we can take you back inside?" I shake my head, the uncut grass tickling my cheek.
"I'll walk." I mutter under my breath, sitting up slowly and rubbing my forehead. When I'm ready, I stand however my legs are jelly and they fail almost instantly. I tumble back down, landing on my ass.
"Come on, Chickie. Let's get you sat in here, just for now?" Beckie rubs my cheek with her thumb and as I look into her warm, motherly eyes, I nod. I'm unable to resist her caring command and so I let her pull me up and place me down in the chair where she, Daniel, the other nurse and the security guard surround me before pulling me back towards the hospital entrance. My parents walk behind, a fair distance away however close enough that I can still hear my mum's cries. I cover my ears, ashamed and upset, and we head back inside.
[EDITED]
YOU ARE READING
Fade Into Darkness
Teen Fiction⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ Cara wants to shrink. She wants to get herself as small as possible, to push the limits of life. She has no care for safety or life. No concern for anything but her anorexia nervosa which guides her closer to the edge every day...
