Fade Into Darkness

Progress

I wake up to see my Mum and Dad both sitting in hospital chairs to the left of my bed. They give me small smiles each as I sit myself up slightly, wincing at the strong ache in my chest and stomach as I do so.

"Hey," I say quietly. My parents both take a hand each.

"How are you feeling, Cupcake?" Oh god, I haven't been called a pet name in years.

"I'm okay. Just sore. Is that the meal plan?" I nod to a piece of paper on the wheely table at the end of my bed and Mum rolls it up towards me as Dad nods.

"Yeah, the doctor brought it back. He also said you can drink some water whenever you're ready," he tells me and I nod.

"Can I try now, please?" I'm thirsty as hell.

"Are you sure you're not rushing it, Cara? You can take it slow if you need to," Mum's voice is worried as Dad pours me a cup of the water with the jug on my table. He then puts a straw into it and holds it towards me.

"I'm sure, Mum. It's okay, I'm okay," I reach out with shaky hands to take the cup and hold it carefully, looking into the clear water. My brain says no, that I'll gain more and it has calories hidden in it. I rationalize and tell the voice that I need to do this for my freedom, my life and my family. I lift the straw to my lips and drink the smallest sip. The water is cool and fresh on my throat and feels blissful, despite making me shiver. I take a slightly bigger sip and enjoy it. After half an hour, I've finished a third of the cup and I place it down on the table for a break. My eyes are full of tears and my parents are talking but I can't hear them. I feel awful guilt.

"I need the toilet," I murmur. The water has flushed through me quickly and I'm desperate for a wee. Mum walks outside and Nurse Daniel comes back in with her, holding a bedpan. I shake my head.

"There is no way I am using that," I say adamantly. Daniel shakes his head with a sigh.

"You're too weak to be allowed up. You're on strict bedrest until your blood pressure and pulse rate go up a bit higher," I shake my head, angry.

"Look, I want to use the toilet. The bathroom is right there. I can handle it. I'm not a fucking baby, okay?!" Daniel sighs.

"You're on one to one if you're going in there. Someone needs to stay with you. Your Mum, if you want. Or a nurse," I roll my eyes at his response.

"No. I'm having a piss on my own. You can't stop me. I swear to God-" Daniel interrupts my shouting.

"Fine! Okay, Cara! Please be quiet, this is a children's hospital ward, you're going to upset the other patients! Alright. You can go on your own but you have 5 minutes and you're going to have to pull the monitor and your feed pump with you. If we hear either if them go off, we'll be coming in, alright? Let me and Dad help you up." I nod, wiping the angry tears from my eyes as they walk over to me, remove my ECG wires and pull down the barrier on the left side of the bed. They each take an arm and help me get onto my bare feet. I'm unsteady at first and my vision fades, head throbs and chest pounds but it eases after a moment and I'm able to hold myself up with just my hands in Dad's and Daniel's. After a moment more, I let go and put one hand on the stand of my vitals monitor and the other on my feed pump's stand. I pull them across the room with me, pausing to open the door and pull them both inside before shutting it, raising my gown and using the toilet.

Afterwards, I wash my hands and pause to look into the mirror beside me.

My collarbones violently protrude, peeking out of the top of my hospital gown, sharp against my skin. I lift the gown to check my stomach, turning sideways and marvelling at how tiny it is, aside from the feed bloat. My ribs are all easily countable, fighting to escape my skin but also covered in bruises, shadows, marks and a bunch of stickers from the CPR, Defibrillator and ECG machines. My hipbones are dangerously prominent and my thigh gap is so huge that I'm surprised I never noticed. My knee bones are thicker than any part of my leg. I stare at my sick body, this time for real, and my eyes fill with tears.

This really isn't beautiful, is it? I can't believe I wanted this, I've ruined my body and mind for this and let it get so close to dying because dying, decaying bodies like this were what my sick brain idolised.

I hate it. I'm sick and in hospital being fed through a tube because I thought this was beautiful? Because I thought people would love THIS?

Now I know. Now I know this isn't pretty, perfectly skinny, gorgeous or inspirational.
This is sick, painful, heartbreaking, torture, illness and death.

I sigh and drop my gown, opening the door again and dragging my monitor and feed pump out and back to bed with me where my parents help me get back into it and Daniel begins to re-attach me to the ECG wires. I settle myself, calming my breathing back to normal. I can't believe standing up for 5 minutes has made me so out of breath and dizzy.

"Whilst I'm here, Cara, is it okay if we go over the meal plan?" I nod as Daniel picks up the meal plans and sits in a chair beside my bed. To be honest, I feel so sick and tired of everything that I just want to close my eyes and not wake up for a few weeks or months maybe but I know if I want to get home I'm going to have to get better here and comply with whatever shitty Eating Disorder Unit I get sent to.

I don't listen much as the meal plan is explained but I gather that the basic idea is that I start drinking 3 fortasip compacts a day. The first one at 8am, the next at 1pm and the last at 6pm plus my tube feed at 10pm. If I don't manage the oral, it gets put through the NG tube and this will be the plan for the next 3-5 days, plus, I need to finish one jug of water orally each day until Daniel is next in and we can review the plan again as he is my main nurse.

We also came to an agreement that if I manage well, I can be taken out into the hospital's little park area in a wheelchair for half an hour with my parents and a nurse at 2.30pm each day. It's pretty shit that I'll be stuck in a wheelchair whenever I leave bed but its better than nothing and it's small steps, I suppose.

I finish that with Daniel and he heads off to fill up my water jug. I look at the clock and it's 12.30 which means I'll be challenging my first fortasip and I am terrified but I know I need to do this to get myself off of the tube and into a ward where I'll get proper psychological help and get back home asap, hopefully.

I've got this, right?

[EDITED]