As we come back onto the unit, I notice that most of the patients are in the communal area or the lounge playing card games, reading books, watching tv or talking with their support staff. Jai wheels me to the office with him where he opens the door and hands my box of cigarettes with the lighter inside it to a nurse before shutting the door again and turning to me.
"Right, Cara! What would you like to do for your distraction? Your parents should be here soon for your visit so we probably won't have too long," he says, smiling at me.
"Can I have some water please and then can we go outside in the garden?" I ask, my hands shaking slightly. I feel cold but what's new?
"Yeah, no problem!" I wait outside as he goes back into the office quickly before returning a minute later with a paper cup. I take it, thanking him and taking a few sips.
"Alright, let's go to the garden!" Jai says, staring to push me down the corridor. I drink a bit more of the cool water as we pass through the communal area before he stops at the first door which buzzes open at a touch of his fob. He then pushes me through, allowing the door to close before he buzzes open the next one. I place the cup carefully between my thighs and wheel myself down the ramp. I move myself from my chair onto a patch of grass in the corner, my back against the green metal bars of the fence. The metal is cool against my back and the grass is gentle underneath me. I take another drink of water as Jai comes and sits near me.
"It's beautiful weather out here," I say quietly, looking up at the blue sky with it's few clouds.
"Yeah, it's nice!" Jai agrees, smiling as always. I think to myself, how can anyone be happy in this place? It sucks the life out of you...
I stare up into the sun. The bright light strains my eyes and my vision is just pure white however I don't look away. Instead, I focus harder. My eyes are burning now but I don't care. I don't know what I'm doing or why I'm doing it but when I finally look away, my head throbs and my vision is filled with sunspots. I sit in silence as I wait for my sight to return, barely noticing the tears that begin to fall until suddenly the barrier releases and I'm sobbing, arms around my knees and body quaking.
"Hey, Hey Cara? What's up? What's wrong hunny?" Jai slides closer to me as I continue sobbing uncontrollably.
"I- I'm- I'm sorry I can't I can't!" My face is hot and wet from tears and my nose is running horribly. I bury my face deeper into my curled up body. I'm choking on my tears and my ribs ache with every sharp inhale. My heart feels like it's racing. I can't even tell why I'm crying, it's all just too much to comprehend.
"It's okay, Cara. It's okay and understandable to be struggling right now. Can I put my arm around you? Is that okay?" I don't lift my head however I nod and within a few seconds, Jai has his arm around my shoulder and I uncurl slightly, turning my body closer to him as I continue crying.
After about 5 minutes of him gently patting my shoulder, I open my eyes and stare down at the grass. I slowly sit myself up slightly and Jai moves his arm so that just his hand is left on my shoulder, gently soothing me.
"I'm sorry this is all just so much. I never expected I'd end up here. I never thought I'd get this sick and even though everyone tells me I'm sick and underweight and even though I'm in treatment and reliant on NG, my mind still reminds me that I'm not sick, I'm not thin and I'm never going to be sick enough to recover. I'm never going to be thin enough for my brain to be happy and leave me be. I know I'll die trying to make myself small enough and I'm scared, I don't think I want to die. Not like this. I just want to go home, I don't want to be inpatient but I don't want anorexia to kill me either. I'm so tired of fighting, I'm so scared and exhausted. I feel like I'm never getting out of this. Some people have that chance, that hope and some just don't have a chance. I'm one of the latter people and I've accepted that so why can't everyone else accept that I'm not getting better and I probably never will..." I hiccup and cry as I speak. Jai sits in silence, listening, and afterwards he stays silent for a few minutes. He is looking down at his hands, pulling and picking at his nails and I'm picking strands of grass off the floor, pulling them into shreds but not really focusing on them. It's quite relaxing and helps me slow my hiccuping cries to almost silent tears. After another moment, Jai speaks.
"I can understand why you're so upset and overwhelmed. Actually, no, I can't understand. I can't and I know I never will because I've never been in your exact position. I can relate, I can empathize and sympathize but I know I'll never truly understand. I want to try and learn to understand more about you, your struggles and your situation and I'm hoping I'll be able to do that with you over time as your primary nurse. You've had a really eventful life, especially these last few weeks. A lot has happened and changed for you mentally and physically and I know it's been sudden for you. It's going to take time to settle down and recover from everything that has happened and it's going to take even longer to recover from your eating disorder but it is possible. I know you won't believe me when I say this but I KNOW you can recover. I know you will be able to do it if you try but honestly, you have to try Cara. You have to work with us and put your all in. Put all of your effort in and keep going even when it feels impossible, we are here and we want to guide you through this and help you but you need to work with us. It has to go two ways. We promise not to give up on you but we ask you to promise not to give up on yourself. It's hard and it's going to be hard but we are here and you're going to get through this. There is no such thing as sick enough in real life. It's something your mind makes up to invalidate you and make you feel like you can't recover but you CAN. We aren't the enemy here, neither is recovery. Your eating disorder is the enemy, Cara. Do you get what I'm saying?" I look up from the grass between my cold fingers and make brief eye contact with Jai, nodding slightly.
"Yeah... I know what you mean, it's just so hard and I'm so tired but I am going to try, I will try. I don't want to die and I hate upsetting my family like this. I'll try," my voice is tired and cracked from crying so intensely. My eyes still drip with tears but slowly now, they're stopping.
"I'm going to try and recover. I'll try," I say and Jai nods, smiling at me. After a moment, his radio buzzes and someone asks him to bring me back in, saying my parents have arrived.
"Alright, Cara. Ready to come back inside?" He asks, standing up, and I nod. After he's up, Jai holds out a hand for me to take and I pull myself up and into my chair with his help. I wipe my tears from my face and take a deep breath as we head inside.
YOU ARE READING
Fade Into Darkness
Teen Fiction⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ Cara wants to shrink. She wants to get herself as small as possible, to push the limits of life. She has no care for safety or life. No concern for anything but her anorexia nervosa which guides her closer to the edge every day...
