Fade Into Darkness

Recovery?

"Good morning!" I shut my front door behind me quickly before walking down my path to the gate where Danielle, my best friend stands.
"Hi! You okay?" She asks me, patting my hand. I nod, pretending to focus my eyes on the path ahead of me whilst trying to take faster steps to burn more calories.
"I'm ok and woah, slow down! You're going so fast!" I stop.
"Oh. I'm sorry," she sighs, laughing and telling me it's fine before dragging me into the corner shop.
"What do you need here?" I ask and she points to the crisps.
"Ah. Well, I need some more smokes so I'll get those whilst you pick, ok?" She nods and I walk away, towards the counter where my Sister's Boyfriend stands on his phone.
I ask for my usual and throw him a £20 note, waiting for my change.
When he hands it to me, I thank him and walk outside where I open the pack, put a cigarette between my lips and use the red lighter from my pocket to ignite it just as Danielle comes out of the shop.
"You need to quit, honestly. Those cigarettes are making you so gray and skinny! It looks unhealthy," I roll my eyes, not bothering to tell her that's just a part of starving. She thinks I'm eating again. It's easier that way, instead of having a repeat of last year where she told teachers about my diet, causing me to have to talk to the school councillor.

Never again.

"Yeah, maybe," I sigh, exhaling smoke.
"Cara, you can be so annoying. Anyway, did you have breakfast?" I nod. Lies.
"Are you sure?" She pisses me off sometimes honestly.
"YES I FUCKING DID!" I growl at her before dropping the butt of my smoke and stomping it out outside the school gate.
I don't wait for Danielle to walk in, resulting in her ditching me to join in a game of 21 dares with the popular girls, aka her real friends.
"Yo," Matt, my TRUE best friend catches me stomping across the playground and runs up beside me to join.
"Hi. Danielle left me for the cool girls again. You okay?" I ask, walking through a set of double doors and stopping at my locker where I dump my bag and pick out a couple of books for my first and second lessons to carry.
"Yeah, yeah. I'm good, just sucks to be in school. Did you eat?" I glare at him.
"Can people stop asking me that?! I'm fine, okay! Its not like I'm some mad anorexic bitch. I'm just on a diet!" He sighs, apologising.
"No, no. I'm sorry. I'm just stressed today. It's getting out of control and I can't loose weight. I'm just maintaining and it's hard. I don't want to get made to go into inpatient but I feel so fat and need to loose but I'll be fine. Just difficult, you know? I need to reach my goal without getting sectioned," He hugs me gently.
"Just try to get better. That's all I ask, okay?" I nod, avoiding eye contact. How would I get better when I wasn't sick in the first place?
"What class do you have first?" I'm desperate to change the subject and, thank god, it works.
"English. You?" I have my schedule memorized.
"History," he nods. We're on completely opposite sides of the school. I quickly say goodbye before turning and heading to class, my feet moving as fast as they can without running, cause that would be seen as weird.
I wonder how many calories you can burn from speed walking? I'll have to google that later. That could be a good way of losing weight in school if-

I'm cut off by a person who's body collides with mine.
It's Kelly, the bitch of year 10.

"Watch where you're going you fat fucking bitch!" I bow my head, apologising as tears begin to form in my eyes.

I thought I was getting skinny...

I guess not...

With a sigh, I look up at the door for my classroom in front of me, walking through it and sitting in the back corner. I ignore the teacher setting up and check my phone instead, going onto instagram.

#thinspo

The app asks if I need support. Fuck that. I click 'show posts'. I'm FINE.

I'm calmed and the tears slowly rolling down my cheeks stop whilst I scroll through the list of smooth, slim, sensual bodies of the people who have kept on going until they were perfect. They made it. They are skinny and I will be too.
My stomach rumbles quietly but I ignore it.
Skinny girls don't eat, right?
I turn to the camera and look through the screen at my legs. I lift my skirt slightly so I can see the thigh gap beginning to form and take a photo silently as the lesson begins.
I add some hashtags to it based around thinspo and add my CW and GW before posting it with a small smile to myself.
"Cara! Off of your phone!" I jump as the teacher behind me taps my shoulder, whispering loudly into my ear. I apologise and look up to see a knowing and concerned look in her eyes.
Oh god... she can't have seen...

She walks off and writes some educational shit on the board so I relax. Maybe she was just being weird? Whatever. Putting my phone back in my baggy cardigan pocket, I try to focus on the lesson however my mind wanders to Instagram and the pretty women on it. I wonder how long it would take until I finally looked like them. I crave for it silently until finally, the lesson ends and I get up quickly, stumbling slightly as my head spins. I right myself before darting for the door however I'm not fast enough.
"Cara?" I groan.
"What?" the teacher, Ms Martins, guides me over to her desk and instructs me to sit on a chair beside it.
"Are you okay?" I nod.
"Is everything okay at home?" I nod.
"Are you eating well?" I nod.
"Are you sure you're okay?" I nod again until finally she let's me go.
"I'm always here if you need to talk. Look... oh, nevermind. Just know that I'm here," I nod before walking out of the door and into the corridor where I rush to the girls toilets to hide in a stall and cry.

Oh god they are all right. It is getting worse, I am loosing control!

But wait, isn't that what I wanted?

Oh god no, the intrusive thoughts again... I whimper before looking up and realising that I had punched the wall.

"Fuck," I groan before inspecting my bruised hand. As I try to focus on the bleary arm, I realise i'm shaking like mad. Fucking anxiety!

I'm sick of this. I'm sick of my mental illness. I'm so fucking tired of living like this.

And I made a decision.

[EDITED]