Jai pushes me to the family room in my chair. He opens the door and allows me to wheel myself over to the table my mum and dad are sat at. Their chairs are beside eachother and my Dad has is hand over Mum's which rests on the table.
"I'm going to give you all some privacy, I'll be checking on you through that window every 15 minutes if that's okay with you?" Jai says to my parents who nod and thank him. As he leaves, I sigh whilst staring down at my hands.
"Hey Cara... so... how is it?" Mum asks, already looking sad. I shrug.
"Have you made any friends yet?" Dad breaks the uncomfortable silence after my mother's question. I shake my head. I'm still upset about what happened back in general hospital so I don't know what to say.
"Well... I brought the stuff you asked for. A kind nurse took it, said she had to search through it. Ward policy I guess," My eyes are full of tears. I so badly just want to break down and cry in my mum's arms but I don't want to be weak. I don't want to let myself break.
"Cara, look, we are both sorry and we don't want you to be locked away like this but you need help, baby. You need to get better before you can come home again. We all need to recover from what happened and build that trust again. It's going to be hard for us all but we're strong, aren't we? We can get through this bubba," Dad's words open the barrier holding back my tears and by the time he has finished talking, I'm sobbing silently, the tears pouring down my face and my body jolting at each sob.
"Oh bubba come here, come here!" Mum opens her arms and I instantly lean over to her, falling into them and burying my face into her shoulder. As I sob, I hear her begin to cry too. "Shh... shh.... I'm so sorry baby I just love you so much I can't lose my little girl. I don't want to lose by baby," Mum wraps her arms around me tighter and I can feel her tears dripping onto my head as she kisses the top of my hair repeatedly. Dad wraps his arms around us, stroking my arm and whispering a quiet apology. I can feel him shaking, he's crying too...
"I'm so sorry... I don't want to hurt you I really don't want to hurt you I love you so much it's just so hard, I don't feel like I can better... I feel so broken apart and it just seems like the only way out... is... I'm sorry..." My words get lost in my cries. I hate that, I hate hurting my family so much. I hate being so hurt but at the same time, I know that the only way out is me leaving this world. I mean, everyone says how recovery is the only option but how am I supposed to recover when all I know is my eating disorder? I don't remember life without it, life without anorexia doesn't even seem POSSIBLE to me.
"Cara, I promise you that this isn't forever, baby. Death isn't your only option. Baby, death isn't an option. We aren't going to let that happen, neither are the staff here. You're our daughter, we are NEVER going to give up on you and we are NEVER going to just let you die. That's not an option. Please, please try and be open to the nurses here. Please just work hard, make friends, follow your plan and accept the help. I know you don't believe this but I really think this place can help you if you just give it a chance and let them in. Please just try. Please?" As Dad says all of these things, my loud sobbing fades into quieter tears. Mum runs her fingers through my hair as Dad talks, her tears now silent.
"I'll try. I will try, I just don't think I can do this but I will try, okay?" Dad nods before kissing my forehead.
"That's all we ask, Cara. As long as you try, okay?" I nod, sitting up a bit.
"Here, Cara, do you want to sit on the bean bag?" Mum asks, pointing to the corner where a dark grey comfy looking bean bag lies. I nod and Dad walk over to the the and drags it so it's nearer to them. I climb off of my mum's lap and sit down, getting comfy.
"Thank you," My voice is worn from the crying and I'm beginning to get a headache.
"The nurse who brought me in here, Jai, is really nice. He's really helping me out," I say quietly.
"That's good! I'm glad he's nice," Dad says, smiling gently.
"Yeah..." I murmur. At least there's one nice person I can trust in this place. If only it didn't have to be like this. My head throbs and I yawn.
"Do you want us to go, honey? We'll let you sleep. We can come back again tomorrow, alright?" Mum asks me. I don't want her to go but I'm exhausted. I nod, tears in my eyes.
"Come here, give us a hug. We'll be back again in no time, you can do this. Just get through tonight, okay?" Dad says, him and Mum pulling me in for a tight hug. I hug them like I'll never get to again, sobbing once more before finally pulling away. Dad wipes my cheeks dry.
"We'll be back, we promise. Go get some rest, okay? We love you so much," I say my final goodbyes for now and soon, they're gone. Jai gives me a moment before coming back in.
"Come on, let's go. What do you want to do now?" Jai asks me.
"I want to me on my own. Can I go to my room, please?" I whisper with tears in my eyes. Jai nods. I look down at my feet as he takes me to my room in my chair. I don't want to see the other patients staring at me. I can't. When I get to my room and Jai leaves, I shut the door behind me and close the shutters. My bag of stuff my parents brought me is on the bed however I throw it onto the ground. I lay on my bed and I cry. I'm sobbing into my pillow and I just can't stop. Why is it like this? Why am I like this? Why am I even here? I don't know. I can't deal with MYSELF anymore. I want to go home. I want to starve and I want to be left to do what I want. I'm so sick and tired of being like this. I've never cried so hard as today. My pillow is soaking wet but I just can't stop. I can't.
How do people live in these places for months? How do they live normally here? It's like a fucking prison. I can't. The minute my section 2 expires, I'm OUT of here. That's it. I stop crying after a while and begin to think of a plan. My mind rushes through all the possibilities. Run out the door when it's open? Shit, I can't. It's an airlock and I'll be restrained before I even reach the second door...
Maybe I can run away on my smoke break? Nah, I won't be faster than them. I'm weak and sick, they're healthy and strong...
Shit. How can I escape this place? I walk over to the metal grated window with a sigh and stare outside. I don't know what I'm going to do yet but I do know something.
Give me a week and I will be out of here. I just know it...
YOU ARE READING
Fade Into Darkness
Teen Fiction⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ Cara wants to shrink. She wants to get herself as small as possible, to push the limits of life. She has no care for safety or life. No concern for anything but her anorexia nervosa which guides her closer to the edge every day...
