"Cara? It's me, Fearne. Honey come on, wake up. It's 9.30 and we need to get you up and ready to move. The transport has said they'll be coming at 10.30 instead of 11 so we need to get sorted quick quick quick!" I groan, rubbing my eyes as an older female nurse pats my shoulder. I'm exhausted from being woken up multiple times overnight to have my finger pricked.
"Okay, okay... I'm going to get clothes and shower. Can I have a towel please?" My voice is croaky from all of the shouting yesterday. I yawn, still only half awake.
"I already got you two, they're on the chair by your bag. Can I do your vitals and BMs before you shower?" I sigh, nodding. As Fearne pulls the vitals machine towards me, I hold out my arm for her to slip on the blood pressure cuff. I allow her to put the small pulse and SATs machine on my finger, the opposite side of the pressure cuff. As the blood pressure machine constricts my upper arm, the gentle nurse puts the temperature probe under my tongue. My blood pressure isn't great and my pulse is still low however my oxygen levels have gone up since yesterday and my blood sugars aren't too drastically low.
"Alright, all done. Though, on instruction of the EDU, you should be on wheelchair rest so you'll need to wheel yourself to the bathroom and have a seated shower, alright lovely?" I nod, thanking Fearne as she leaves me to slide into my chair. I take fresh clothes and toiletries into the bathroom with me and lock the door before turning on the shower water and stripping. I ignore the overdramatic rules and stand up for my shower. Surely it doesn't make THAT much of a difference. The only issue I have in the shower is that my tape sticking my tube to my cheek starts to lose it's adhesive and slowly peels off however I tuck the length length the tube behind my ear, being careful not to pull at it. I'm not going through what happened yesterday afternoon again so I might as well just keep it in for now.
Soon enough, I feel clean again and am able to leave the shower and dress myself which I do with my eyes closed. I don't want to see my body. I finish putting my socks on, sat in my chair, when a knock sounds on the bathroom door.
"YEAH?" I shout, preparing to jump back into my chair case someone was coming in.
"Hey Cara! It's me, Fearne. Are you nearly ready to come out and do your morning fortasip?" I sigh, beginning to
"Alright, coming," I sit down and gather my personal belongings before opening the door. "I need a new sticker for my NG," I say quietly and Fearne nods down at me.
"Let me go get it, I'll be back. Come and get in bed, yeah?" I nod and as the lovely nurse leaves, wheeling myself back to bed and sitting myself down on top of the covers. After a moment, Fearne is back and she hands me the plaster which I use to tape my tube onto my cheek before picking up the Strawberry fortasip in front of me. I stare at it in my cold, shaking hand where it fits perfectly. I hate that. I put it down on the table again.
"I can't," I say bluntly. Fearne sighs, putting her hand on mine.
"Come on, Cara. You know what the alternative is and neither of us want that," I shake my head.
"Okay, fine, but can you please get me some water?" I have a plan and as Fearne nods and heads off outside and down the hall, I open the drink quickly and get onto my knees, turning around. I quickly pour it all down behind the bed onto the floor. The milky puddle is hidden underneath the large hospital bed and I turn around again, sitting down and pretending to be drinking from the empty bottle as Fearne comes back in and sits down in her chair.
"Here's your water, sweetie," I take the cup in my free hand, thanking her and drinking half of it in one go before placing it back on the table and continuing to fake drink or fortasip.
"Ah you're drinking it already! Well done, Cara!" I nod slightly and pretend to drink more of the 'fortasip'.
We sit in comfortable silence until I declare that I'm finished, chug the rest of my water and put the empty cup and bottle onto the table. Just as I do that, Daniel and Lloyd walk into my bay.
They state that the transport van is here and help me get into the wheelchair. I zone out mentally as they push me out of the ward, down endless white hospital corridors where people stare at me and my escorts as we come past, through the middle main area of the hospital where all the shops and kiosks are and finally, outside towards the transport van.
I can see the van in front of me in it's hazy white form. The neon yellow NHS Ambulance stickers hurt my eyes. They begin to lower the ramp to wheel me on however I shake my head.
"I can walk. It's only a couple steps." Fearne sighs and shakes her head.
"You're not allowed Cara. I'm sorry," I growl under my breath and stand up. Flipping a middle finger at the nurses behind me and sitting in a seat.
"Ah... Cara... look, because of your abscondtion risk, we need you to be inside the safe area," Daniel tells me. I raise my eyebrows, arms crossed on my chest.
"You have to be delusional if you think I'm going into that. It's a literal fucking plastic and metal cage!" I look into it before staring back at the staff. "Wait, what the actual hell? It's even padded! Do you think I'm a bloody psycho or some shit?!" I'm shouting now, standing again and making my way to the door of the transport ambulance where I lean against the side.
"Cara, child, you need to sit yourself down inside there come on now. Let's do this the easy way," I'm furious now, attempting to push past Lloyd, Daniel and Fearne's bodies which are pressed together blocking me in.
"Let me OUT!" I yell at them, attempting to hit them however my weak arms and lack of any proper muscle makes my fighting pointless. With a sigh, Daniel picks me up with ease, using his his arm to open the cage door. He lowers me onto the soft floor inside. I am shaking with anger as he looks into my blurry, teared up eyes.
"I'm so sorry, Cara. I hope you get better soon, I really do," he whispers to me with sad eyes before stepping back and shutting the cage door. One of the transport ambulance staff locks it with a key and slides two bolts across at the top and the bottom of it. Great, now I'm locked inside.
I look at the three hospital staff and begin to cry at seeing them waving goodbye.
"Good luck, Cara! You are so strong and you can do this!" Fearne calls out to me and I place my hand on the cage door.
Daniel nods at me and Lloyd gives a wave which I return as the transport people close the door across. As soon as it's shut, I'm sobbing and barely notice the small jolt of the van beginning to move. I couldn't care less at this point. I just want everything to stop.
With a small sigh, I turn my body to the small locked cage door which is the only thing not padded here and I begin to thump my head against it. At first, it's just small taps but as my frustration builds up, they turn into loud, painful snacks which leave my head spinning and pulsating every time I pull it back for another hit. I can feel the bruise beginning to form on my forehead and it's painful but I don't care. I'm so done caring. I don't exactly know what I'm doing or why I'm doing it but in some strange way, I can feel it helping something inside of me and so I don't stop, even when one of the large transport staff crouches down at the door of my caged area and peeks in.
"Cara? Oh no, why are you doing that?" He asks, sighing and placing his palms on his knees.
"Go away," I murmur. He ignores me.
"Come on, Cara. Let's not do that now," He prompts however I ignore him, thumping harder. I can see a red patch growing bigger with each smack onto the hard, clear plastic. I'm extremely dizzy and the nausea sets in however I don't care. I just close my eyes and hit harder, feeling the cage door shake with every thump and not even caring.
I can hear two of the staff talking near outside the cage but my brain is unable to process the words. All I can think about is the thumping. It's creates it's own rhythm.
Thump, thump, thump, thump.
Make the pain go away.
Thump, thump, thump, thump.
Block the thoughts out.
I can feel the blood beginning to run down my nose from my forehead and can see it running off the wall but I don't care, nothing can stop me nothing can stop me nothing can-
The thumping has stopped. My ears are ringing and I'm on my side with someone's strong arms wrapped tightly around me holding me down on the padded floor with them. I'm kicking and hitting and I think I'm screaming but I can't hear, I can't hear, I can't hear and suddenly there's a stab in my arse cheek and ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Calm.
[EDITED]
YOU ARE READING
Fade Into Darkness
Teen Fiction⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ Cara wants to shrink. She wants to get herself as small as possible, to push the limits of life. She has no care for safety or life. No concern for anything but her anorexia nervosa which guides her closer to the edge every day...
