Fade Into Darkness

Shopping.

After my early morning panic attack, I grasp the bed covers and use them to haul my heavy, aching body up. I slowly amble to the shitty hotel bathroom where I begin to run the shower and strip my clothing off piece by piece in front of the mirror.

I think of the bony girl I saw in my dream and wonder when that could ever be me. All I see is, yes, skinny but not skinny like THAT. It's like I've only just reached skinny and I'm still looking on the normal side despite my low BMI and body weight.

After a moment of staring at my body, running my blue fingertips over the small bones that occasionally poke out, I step into the shower and exhale strongly as the hot water drenched me. I tip my head back and think about the day's plans as I wash myself.

Firstly, shop.

I need some new clothes, to cut and dye my hair and I suppose some food to keep me going when I need it.

Next, hotels.

I need to try and look for my next place to stay, since I only have 2 nights left here and I need to be on the move.

After that, I need to go job hunting as the money I have will only last me another 3 or 4 weeks but no longer and once that is gone, I'm screwed. I'll be on the streets.

And so I slide out of the shower, my body suddenly a deadweight as I drop to the door with dizziness. Whilst I wait to regain my strength, I decide to brush my teeth and hair on the ground and by the time I've done both of those, I'm able to stand and dress myself in some grey leggings and a long black knitted jumper dress. I keep my hair down, natural, and apply simple makeup before putting everything back into my bag again and throwing it into my shoulder.

I don't trust the people who work here not to go through it and am not willing to risk losing the cash I have and so I take my phone, put my music on and rush down the stairs and into the daylight.
It's about 10am so by the time I walk around a bit, shops should be opening. I pull out a cigarette and dangle it between my lips as I flick on the lighter, the flame not igniting. After a few tries, it works and I light the tip of my smoke, beginning to walk again.

London is so busy in the mornings. People everywhere, crowds, noise, it's all so busy. I embrace it. It's better for hiding. I remind myself that as my breath hitches, pushing through the crowds firstly to primark where I pick up any black, baggy clothes I can find which mostly consists of skinny Jean's which are baggy on me and a bunch of men's t-shirts and hoodies.
I pay and leave, moving on to some random cheap shop where I take some black and red hair dye. I'll split dye my hair. Hopefully not too much or it will fall out.
Next is the supermarket where I grab any low calorie foods and shit I can get, including deodorant as I forgot mine and probably stink.
I have plenty of cigarettes for now so that's all okay.
I head back to the craft isle and grab some scissors to hack the ends of my hair off later before leaving again, walking to the park and sitting with my three shopping bags and backpack. I feel heavy and exhausted so I munch some spinach leaves out of a bag (20) and Google more hotels, settling on one a mile away I can walk to in a couple of days and book on the way.

Three nights will cost me about 200 which isn't the best but it'll do. I'm content on the bench, staring out at a small family having a picnic a field away until a policeman begins walking my way, quickly. I grab my bags and start to walk however I trip in my heavy boots and he calls out to wait. I swear under my breath, turning to him and bracing myself.

"Hello, what do you want?" I ask in the nicest tone I can bring myself to speak in. I hate the pigs.

"We've been told to keep an eye out for a missing girl. Looks like you. What's your name?" Shit... fuck it.

I run. I don't know how I get the energy as everything is spinning and I'm stumbling all over the place and feel like I'm about to throw up but I run and run until I manage to turn around about 10 minutes later and don't see any sign of the police man.

Thank fuck for that.

But I'm in danger now. People recognize me.

I check my phone and ignore the notifications to see the time.

4PM.

Alright, hotel time. I Google maps it and it's about an hour walk away. I must've ran in the wrong direction but at least I got him off of my case. The concerning thing is, how and why the fuck are police looking for me HERE?

Phone.

I'm being tracked.

I swear, throwing my phone into the nearest bush and speed walk my way back in the general direction of the hotel, keeping my eye out for any newsagents selling phones outside on my way and after half an hour of dizzy stumbling, I spot one. I walk up to it just as my back splits.

"BOLLOCKS!!!!" The yelling causes someone from inside to come out and see me kicking my rice cakes in anger.

"Hey, hey, sweetie, we can give you a new bag it's okay just take a breath!" The kind but concerned woman puts an arm around my shoulder which makes me cringe. I hate being touched. She gets the hint and lets go, looking me up and down with a shocked and concerned look on her face. Why? Whatever, she leads me into the shop where she puts my groceries into a new bag and offers me some water which I pay for, against her protests.

After thanking her repeatedly and purchasing a second hand iPhone 7 for £150, I continue my walk back to the hotel, smoking three more cigs on my way out of pure anger and panic. Panic that I'll be found.

That panic overwhelms me as I close my hotel room door and I throw my bags down and sink to the floor, crying into my fists angrily. I don't let the moment consume me, as I move to my mirror with a right grip on the scissors. I stare deep into the soul of my reflection and cut, cut, cut. Hair is falling in all directions as I hack it down to my shoulders. Only then do I slow down and attempt to feather it into that classic emo style. I put mostly black dye on with red highlights and in the hour I leave it on, I manage to pack my things back into the rucksack and canvas bag in case I need to flee and I tidy the hotel room and set up my iPhone. Once that's all down, I go into the shower, wash out my hair and I'm so exhausted that I fall into a dreamless sleep on the pillow which is damp from my hair. Oh well, I guess I need to rest if I'm moving tomorrow.

[EDITED]