The John Hughes Club

Chapter Thirty Nine

"You okay, love?" Dad has just returned from work, carrying his flask and his rucksack in his hands.

Making the most of a late August summer evening, I've been enjoying sitting by myself on a deckchair, appreciating the moon and the celestial night sky. "I'm okay," I say, a calmness guiding my answer from my throat. After a fun day spent with Senna, Maisy and Ash, I've been unwinding since they left.

Dragging one of the deckchairs beside me, dad sits himself into it with a tired sigh. "What have you crazy kids been up to today, then? When I rang you earlier and you said you were cooking, I did wonder whether I'd have a caravan to come back to." Chuckling, dad reclines more into his seat.

"Your kitchen was very safe. We only made rice crispie cakes," I amusingly tell him.

"With golden syrup?" Dad asks, twisting his neck to reveal a flicker of humour in his large blue eyes.

"Is there any other way to make them?" I now smile back at him, knowing that his love for golden syrup knows no bounds. "We've left a few for you in a sandwich box," I happily add.

"I'll look forward to having one after my shower, with a nice cup of tea," he sighs, still sounding tired.

"Was the journey to Birmingham okay?" I ask, glad to have him back home, safe and sound with me.

"Yup, pretty much a stress-free drop-off," Dad says on a relaxing breath.

"I've also made tuna pasta bake, it's keeping warm in the top grill. If you go and have your shower, I'll make you that cup of tea, then you can eat." As I'm just about to get up from out of the deckchair to do that for him, dad gently reaches for my arm, obviously wanting me to remain seated. "What's wrong?" I uneasily mutter.

A warm probing query comes into dad's eyes. "You seemed lost to the moon and stars when I first came home. I just want us to talk about a couple of things tonight, important things," hesitating, a small smile of fatherly assurance comes and sits on his face. "The last week or so, you seem happier. You've been seeing your friends, doing things that a teenager should be doing, but I just want to know whether you really are feeling happier?"

Breathing in, I start thinking about the question dad has just posed to me. I'm not crying every day, so that's emotional progress. I share lots of laughter with Ash, Senna and Maisy, that's progress too. I feel secure and more settled being around my dad...yup, again, that's progress.
Am I happy?
Like happy happy?
I find that hard to answer. That kind of happiness, I left back in Minehead. That kind of happiness, I left behind with Chas.

The totally broken girl I was six weeks ago, has week by week, become partially broken. Sure, I'm now able to go a whole day without crying. I can also smile and joke around with my friends, and my heart has continued to beat without having Chas in my life, but that free and easy happiness I felt with him, I have lost. That buoyant joy and that exhilarating thrill I always felt around him, that's gone too. In Stratford, I am most certainly happier, but happy, I think the purity of that is something I may never get to experience again. I think the happiness I now experience, is a diluted down version of happiness. "I'm better than I was," I eventually admit. It's not a lie, and hopefully, not too much of a concerning truth for my dad.

"As you know, Mindy, my boss has been really great with allowing me to do short hauls since you've been here, but he's needing to know what my long term plans are. Which is why we have to decide whether you're going to return to Minehead, or you're going to go back to your old school. Whatever you want to do, I'll do my best to work around you. Your happiness means everything to me, whether that's here or in Minehead. You're returning to school with a big year ahead of you. You have your mocks and then your exams, which is why we need to get this right. I have spoken with your mum about this, and she's willing to support whatever decision you decide to make. However, school starts in just over a week...so be mindful of that, okay?"