The John Hughes Club

Chapter Sixty Three

Chas

I thought I had it all figured out
I thought we had it all figured out.
In my mind
In my heart
In my everything...the decision was made.

In my mind
In my heart
In my everything...it felt okay.

I thought it was all figured out
But nothing's been figured out at all.

I have woken with something different
Woken with something unforgiving.
In my mind
In my heart
In my everything...something has changed.

Seeing the beginnings of a life
Has left me conflicted about ending it.
In my bones
In my muscles
In my soul...doubts have surfaced.

In my bones
In my muscles
In my soul...fears now lurk.

I am scared that the layers of my dread
Will be replaced with too many layers of my remorse.
A dread
A remorse
And fears...that can never be undone.

In my bones
In my muscles
In my soul...I am a father.

It wasn't supposed to happen now and in this way
But I have played my part in creating this life.
Questions
Answers
Uncertainties...now intrude my every thought.

The decision was made and agreed upon
A date was made and agreed upon.
But my mind
My heart
My everything...twistingly feels unsure.

My bones
My muscles
My soul...are burdened.

Those questions
Those answers
Those uncertainties...are swallowed up by my youth.

Eaten by the reasons of why I can't be a father
Then regurgitating why I can.
Judgement
Ridicule
Opinions...they'd become a daily battle.

Maybe such battles I could win?
But a war within myself I would lose.

A lifelong fight with society is one thing
A lifelong fight with myself is quite another.
Judgment
Ridicule
Opinions...I'll happily hold my shield up to them all.

Only, a decision has been made
And I must stand by that decision.
Dread
Remorse
Fears...I'll just have to bury them deeper than deep.

Because today, Mindy needs my strength
She needs the strength of my support.
My mind
My heart
My bones
My muscles
My soul
They all belong to her...my everything.

"Chas! They're here!" hollering up the stairs, dad's bellow echoes into the space of my bedroom.

"Just coming!" I holler back, slamming shut the notebook that contains much of what has kept me awake for most of the night.

Today is the day of the termination.
Today is the day when we supposedly get our lives back.

Grabbing my jacket from where it's draped on the back of a rickety old pine chair, I inhale the strength that I know I am most certainly going to need.

"They're both waiting outside," a deep explanation rumbles from out of my father as he watches me hurry down the stairs towards him.

"I suppose the sooner we get this over with, the better," is my overly casual response, which frankly leaves me feeling nauseous from the inside out. There's nothing casual about today. I've had no sleep. My conscience is joyriding on all of my neurons inside of my brain, and every single thing that's coming out of my mouth seems to snag itself on the way up my throat.

As I'm straightening my jacket that I've hurriedly just put on, dad watches my every move. In his eyes, I see that he needs to say something. We haven't been looking at each other for very long, but because we're both caught within the tenseness of what is happening today, our mutual stare seems to slow down time. "I think if your mum were here, Chas, this is something she would say to you." Oddly gentle, dad holds onto both of my shoulders, a warmness reaching his green gaze. "If you have any doubts about this abortion, now is the time to make them known. Not just to yourself, but to Mindy as well. If you have changed your mind, or even if you think you need some more time, you must voice that...okay?" Stunned, I just nod, and my nodding only gives more fuel to his fatherly words, "Your grandfather would also want you to know that whatever happens, Chas, you'll do what's right. I know he's not here to tell you that himself, and I know it's down to him that you're the stable young man that you are now, which is why I know you will do what is right for yourself and for Mindy. I'll forever regret not being the father you deserved after losing your mum, which I why I am here for you now, and I will always be here for you no matter what future choices you make in your life...I just want you to know that."

What threadbare control I have left of myself, suddenly wants to break free from me. Tears well in my eyes that don't want to cry, and emotions hammer at my heart that doesn't want to feel. Sniffing and straightening my burdened body, I struggle holding myself together. With dad being a dad, combined with what I am just about to do, silently begins to shred me apart. "I'll see you in a bit," is all I can leave my dad with. If I say any more, I'll not be able to leave the house and then I'll not be there for Mindy...and I have to be there for Mindy...I have to.