The John Hughes Club

Chapter Sixty Four

Chas

I think if it hadn't had been for the radio being on, and the nervous chit-chat sporadically coming from Megan, I think the quietness between myself and Mindy might have just driven me insane. Although our hands were locked together during the entire time to the hospital, I had never felt more detached from her. We held hands, whilst holding imaginary hands around ourselves. We both were hurting, but didn't know how to articulate that hurt. We both held onto each other, with fingers that weren't quite sure of how to let go of the baby.
I knew that.
I felt it.
I saw it.
In Mindy's eyes, I know I saw it.

Now that we're out of the car, I know I should speak up now. But if I speak up, I'll drag Mindy down.
Bravely, she's made her decision.
Strongly, she's standing by it...I must do the same.

"Okay, you ready?" Megan cautiously asks her daughter, studying Mindy's downbeat demeanour and her reluctance to engage in casual conversation. A smile of motherly perseverance lifts the corners of her lips, trying hard to lift those downbeat spirits of Mindy. "It'll soon be over, sweetheart." Gathering her child fully into her arms, Megan places a lingering kiss of love to the top of Mindy's head. "It'll soon be over," she shakily insists, like she's convincing herself that this nightmare we're all numbly awake to will soon be nothing more than a bad memory.

With no emotion, Mindy hugs her mother back, a blankness there on her face. Fresh new guilt starts chipping away at my insides and my brave-faced resolve.
I have done this to her.
I have done this to us.
This mess, this guilt, is because of me.

As we start walking towards the hospital, my limbs are moving but don't really want to be. I don't want to be here and I don't want to be doing this, but I have to be here and I have to do this. Today isn't about me or my feelings, today is about Mindy. It's about her ridding herself of something I did to her, of something she rightly isn't ready for.

Stride by stride, my guilt grows. It grows for Mindy, for the baby, for myself, for our family. My guilt is growing like weeds in a forgotten garden, overpowering everything near to it. Be strong, Chas...be strong! That is all I keep telling myself. I have to outwardly appear strong, or everything is just going to crumble—my complicity in this, Mindy, and Megan.

Holding myself tall and straight, I watch both mother and daughter approach a friendly-faced receptionist, her smile being the only untroubled smile I have actually seen today. I watch on, as a conversation is briefly exchanged between them, still holding myself tall and straight.

As Megan hangs around near the reception area, Mindy comes slowly towards me with stiff dignity. Lifting her head, her depressed brown eyes also lift. "Someone's coming to get me in a minute," she timidly explains, looking more and more afraid with each solemn second.

Somehow, I manage to meet her gloomy gaze square on.
Somehow, I push aside my guilt to tug on her waist and bring her body urgently close to mine. Wanting to absorb her sadness, her fears and all of her apprehension, my hands reach for hers, hoping that my fingers might possess such a magic. "I'll be here when you come back out, okay?" I promise Mindy, knowing that for however long I need to wait, I will wait.

"Okay," she mutters, remaining absolutely motionless for a moment.

This is where I should be telling her how I feel. This is where I should be expressing my doubts about this termination, but I won't because I know that this is already becoming too much for my girl. What she is about to do, is already crushing her right before my eyes. Reluctant to pull away from Mindy, I only do to hold her at a tender arms length. "I love you now and I'll love you when you come back, okay?" She needs to know and understand that my feelings for her aren't going to change after this nightmare is over.

Leaning back a little, she closes her eyes, as if to savour the meaning of what I've just told her. Then while a lost little smile finds her sad lips, Mindy stares back at me with the brown eyes that I know still hold our futures within them. "I needed to hear that, I really did," she softly muses, tilting her head slightly as her fingers nervously twiddle with mine. "See you in a bit."

Returning Mindy's courageous smile, I then kiss it, silently in awe of it. "You will," I tenderly tell her, ensuring her that she absolutely will.

Hesitatingly, Mindy eventually releases my fingers to go and do something I wish she didn't have to. Bravely, she turns her back on me...to have our mistake removed from our lives.