The John Hughes Club

Chapter Sixty Five

Since the terror of my dream, trying to live with my decision has been hounding every single one of my waking moments. Around every corner, that decision has been waiting for me to change my mind. Now as I am being led towards that decision, the less air I can breathe, the less I can think, the less my decision feels right. The nurse who is guiding me towards the room where I will be given the first of two tablets to end the pregnancy, is being professionally kind and sympathetically courteous, but the more I follow her towards that room, the more I am loathing her. I loathe that she's guiding me towards my decision, towards something that no longer feels right.

Every step I take is getting heavier and heavier, taking me towards something that now feels suffocatingly wrong. "I can't do this!" it's not until the words have left my mouth, do I register that they actually have. "I'm sorry, I can't do this!" Spinning on the soles of my hi-tops, my feet feel strangely light as I apologetically flee from the nurse. Running down corridors that I have no recollection of passing, I just run to be back with Chas and mum, feeling more and more like I am leaving my waking nightmare far behind me. The desperate pounding of my trainers alerts them both to my distressed arrival. Crying, I run straight to Chas, who instantly stands to catch me within his arms. "I'm so sorry, I couldn't go through with it! I just couldn't do it!" my sobs echo around us, echoing to the ears of staff and nearby strangers.

Embracing me hard, Chas holds me tightly against himself and his love. "It's okay. It really is okay." Possessively, he embraces me tighter, assuring me with his voice and his body that my not going through with the termination is okay.

I am yet to comprehend my actions. I am yet to understand the fallout of what I have just ran away from. I don't know what this will mean for us, I honestly don't...I only know that running away from what I just did, felt right.