Emison: Home

Chapter 33: We'll find our way back

Listen to There's No Way by Lauv ft Julia Michaels

Alison's POV

I can do this, I tell myself. We'll find our way back to each other. That's what we do. That's who we are.

I take a deep breath and knock on the door. I nervously run a hand through my hair as the door opens

"Ali" she says surprised

"Hey Emily" I smile softly "Can we talk?"

"Alison, I meant what I said yesterday... I don't want to be with you until you absolutely know you're ready to be with me" she sighs looking down biting her lip. God, I miss her already. I wish I could already have my shit figured out.

"I know... And I agree with you" she suddenly looked up confused. "If you let me come in, I'd really like to talk to you about it."

"Ummm, yeah sure" she scratches the back of her head before awkwardly stepping to the side and letting me come in "Do you want something to drink, Prin-Alison?" she catches herself

I can't help myself but smile a little at her slip as I feel my cheeks go red "Um yeah I'll have some tea thanks" she nods and goes to her kitchen counter.

I don't say anything for a while. I just observe as she prepares the tea. Gosh, she's so fucking beautiful. Most of the soft features she had when we were teenagers had disappeared. Her jaw had become harsher, most likely from all the tension she had carried with her for the last five years. Her muscles had become defined enough that I could see the outline of her biceps. I couldn't detach my eyes from her. She's mesmerising.

"Ok Alison, so what do you have to say?" she says as she hands me my mug

"Ok." I close my eyes and let out a big breath. "You were right yesterday. It's not right that I am dating you whilst I still love Elliot. It isn't fair on you. On him. On me. On us, as a couple. Because at the end of the day, even though I know you're my everything and I want us to finally have the happy ending we spoke about all those years ago, I am just not there yet. I still love him. And I need time to get over that, before I can commit wholly to you. I was with him for five years, I can't dismiss that in five weeks... It's not right nor is it healthy. I also think part of me is just not ready to let you fully back in yet and that's why I can't truly bring myself to tell you I love you yet. Getting over you was the hardest thing I ever had to do, Emily, and I spent two years hiding from killer-stalker. But when you cheated on me, Emily, it absolutely destroyed me."

"Alison..." she starts as she holds in the tears and reaches out to me

"No. I need to tell you this. We never spoke about it. Not properly. I need you to understand why it is so difficult for me to trust you again." I sit on her couch as she sits on the armchair across from me

"Ok"

"When you cheated, it felt like someone had ripped my heart apart. I know we were in a rough patch but I never thought that you, the sweetest and kindest girl I had ever known, the girl I considered my soulmate could ever hurt me like that. And when you did that, all the insecurities I had always had about never being good enough for you, about karma biting me back in the arse for the awful things I had said and done to you, they screamed at me that my fears were true and very real. I felt worthless. I felt not just unloved, Em, but unworthy of love altogether. I thought that if even the most gentlest person alive couldn't bring herself to be kind to me then I must have been irredeemable and would never be anyone other than that bitch who deserved what happened to her." I wipe a stray tear that had fallen down my cheek as I spoke "Elliot very much saved me. You know about the incident with the razor..." We both shudder as we remember "If he hadn't been there, I don't think I would have made it through. At least not without having had to check into the Radley... He was so good to me and good for me. He came at the perfect time when all I needed was validation, someone to reassure me that after everything I had gone through I could go back to some kind of normalcy. He made me feel loved and I loved him for it. I started to love him for many other things. And I want to be clear, I am not justifying what I did. Kissing Elliot, twice as well, was not fair to you. Regardless of what happened between us in the past. It still was not right even if we were just dating. Because at the end of the day, anything that has to do with you and me is never 'just' something. It's always everything." I smile at her sadly "That's why I agree with you. I think you're right. Until I'm ready and I know and I can work on whatever is up with me, including my issues regarding us in the past then we should be on a break. The person I was becoming when I came back in September is the person I want to be. The strong, confident Alison you fell in love with, that's also the Ali I prefer. That's me. I don't want to be the Alison who is constantly torn between whether or not she's good enough or will ever be enough for you. I want to be the Alison who is good enough for herself and that's all that counts. So you're right, until I know who I am and what I want I won't tell you I love you and we shouldn't be together." I swallow the lump that had formed in my throat and look at Emily as she leans back in her chair and stares intently at her tea. God. We hadn't even started and we were already breaking up... But I need to sort myself out for our sakes, for my sake.

"Ok" she looks up and leans forward, setting her mug down on the coffee table and takes mine doing the same, before moving to the spot on the couch beside me. She wipes the tears that had fallen down my cheek and holds my hands in hers. She gently strokes her thumb on the back of my hands and stays silent just looking down at our intertwined hands. "I understand. Maybe it was too early for us. Maybe you weren't ready. In all truth, I don't know if I'm ready for us yet either. I have a lot of stuff I need to work through myself. Including my trust issues. Those A years, the move to Texas, the Quinn stuff, prom night when I lost you... That shit messed me up a lot. All I know is I love you, Alison. I want us to be the best we can be for each other. And I will wait. I have done it countless times before and I will do it again. We're Emison, we find our way back to each other. That's what we do." she smiles and gently leans in and kisses me softly on the lips. We just sit there, kissing softly as her hands cup my face and mine lose themselves in her hair.

I pull away and stay with my arms around her neck, staring into her beautiful brown eyes "Always" I whisper

"Forever"

A/N

I'm back again (again) - had some exams and personal stuff to get through but hopefully can be updating kinda regularly again now

Hope some of you are still here! I promise Emison will eventually be together but for now these gals need to process their trauma 

x C