The Healer Who Needed Healing

His Eyes

         Oh my gosh. I just kissed my best friend! Twice! Urgh. What am I doing! I know I can't be doing things like this to her. I can't- Oh stop you liked it. She makes you feel good even if she didn't kiss you so calm the heck down. Yeah, you're right. I really do like her and I don't want to hurt her.
         I get out of the shower and get into my bag with the folded clothes I had ready. I put them on and walk out of the bathroom. As I walk out I see Octavia laying back on the bed not saying a word. What is she thinking about? I decide not to say anything and put my bag down next to the bed and I glance up to see her watching me. I stand up and look into her eyes. Why are they always so light like nothing has ever happened to her. Why does my heart rate go up by just simply looking at her. Why? I begin to smile and she returns it with her happy, peaceful smile.
    ‘We better get to sleep,’ she says while sitting up ‘we have another long day ahead of us.’ I get into bed and lay on my side facing towards her and smile. She smiles back and gets into bed. I roll onto my back and turn off the lamp on the nightstand between us.
    ‘Good night. Thanks for a really fun first day. I can’t wait for tomorrow.’ I say with a little scratchy voice.
    ‘You’re welcome Kyler. I’m excited for tomorrow too. Good night.’ She says while turning to her side facing away from me while grabbing the second pillow.
    My thoughts start to go crazy. I don’t deserve to be treated well. I am always messing things up. My dad is right no one is going to actually mean it when they say they love me. But Octavia means it. She’s afraid of what men can do to her yet she kissed you. Come on. Urgh, please stop hurting me. Everyone has their problems but yours are beyond repair. No one will like you no matter how much someone convinces you of that. Kyler. You come back home and I am going to kill you. Don’t you ever come back. Wait dad! No wait! Dad! Suddenly I wake up and Octavia is next to me holding me and telling me that she’s here and that she’s real and not to be scared anymore. I love this girl. I really want this to work out. Friends or more than that she’s the first time I have really enjoyed being with someone. I don’t want to lose her. I then put my arm around her and keep her close to me. I wasn't sure if it was her or me who flinched but I stayed still even if I wasn't sure if I did the right thing. With her hand on my chest and side, I feel calm and safe. She’s my best friend. She’ll be there forever. I hope. I just don’t know how she’s going to feel if I tell her that I plan to enlist in the military shortly after highschool. I don’t want to think about that right now anyways. She’s the only one I want to think about right now. Her blue eyes, her smile, her laugh, when I met her… I think as I fall back to sleep.

    The first day I met her she wasn’t having a very good day. Everyone seemed to push her around as if she was invisible. I never told her that because when her best friend told her that she  wasn’t really there when they hung out she really began to let it affect her as if it was true. I remember her making a comment one day about how everyone sees her when they need her for answers but when she is struggling it was as if she was dead and no one could see that she was in need of some love and just support. Octavia has done her fair share of trouble that I have also gotten into but she also punished herself harder than anyone else could have punished her. I don’t know how to tell her this, but no matter how hard you punish yourself it's not about the punishment it's about the learning and recovery process. I love this girl and she tends to be the hardest on herself than she is on any other person. Then another instance like when her best friend later expressed that she could no longer trust Octavia even if Octavia was just trying to do the right thing by telling her friend not to drink or smoke. It was strange because then Octavia started to beat herself up over it. I tried to talk to her about it but when she did open up she had shown how much it really hurt her. She had said, “Kyler, I just wanted her to be healthy and not have to worry about addiction later in life. I know she didn’t and wasn’t planning on doing those things every day but I got really concerned because she was pushing me away and treating me differently when that stuff entered her life. I don’t know what to do anymore, I care about all the people who probably wouldn’t care about me half as much. I know I have the all or nothing approach to life and no matter how much I try to fix it and do better about who I hang out with I am still the disposable one.” I didn’t know what to say, but I do remember giving her a hug and telling her than even if everyone wanted to dispose of her I was always going to be the one standing next to her telling her that she is strong and that she can get through all of the struggles of life long as she kept her head up.
    I am awake? Why? What-. Oh. There was a noise and a sense of struggle coming from Octavia. I pulled her closer to me which wasn’t any closer than we already were. I wasn’t sure if she was cold so I tugged on some of my covers and wrapped them around her. I hope she’s okay. You’re safe now Octavia. I promise. I have you close to me. I am going to keep you safe for as long as I live, I don’t care how hard that’ll be. Her struggling and mumbling was beginning to subdue and she was beginning to breath in a little deeper and we both began to fall back asleep.