The Healer Who Needed Healing

One more Night

      After Kyler and I sat quietly looking at each other saying words we wanted without saying a word he started packing the Jeep with our blankets and some food. After growing curious about what he was planning I smile at him when he comes back in to give me the look which communicates are you ready?
    “What are we doing Kyler?” I finally ask him as we get into the Jeep.
    “I am not telling you” he says, beginning to laugh again “I already told you Octavia, I am not going to tell you until we get there alright?”
    “Noooooo, tell me nowwwwwwww” I exclaim giggling and poking him in the side making him squirm away from me and grab my hands.
I continue to giggle and he just tells me “noooooooo. It’s a surprise so I am not going to tell you silly goose.” I smile at his goofy nicknames for me.
“Fine Kyler, you win big goofball.” I finally agreed as I smiled at him and stop my temptations to try and tickle him. He was my adventure and I always wanted to spend my time with him if I wasn’t doing softball stuff. I rested my head on his shoulder and smiled because I was happy to just be in his presence.
       The drive was beautiful. There were lots of caribou out and about, along with everything just being simply calm. It was a hard picture to describe although it all was a peaceful place. When it began to get dark we discover how beautiful Alaskan skies where at sunset. I will just say it was breathtaking, all of the gold, red, orange, and purples that began to flow through the night sky was just beautiful. It was truly the work of God’s hands where his paint brushes had stroked ever so lightly across the sky creating pure beauty. The sky was soft with all of the very bright colors that braided together with such ease.
When Kyler pulled up and parked the jeep I was still looking at the sky in awe. He laughs at me and I look over at him and smile.

“What?” I ask beginning to giggle a little louder and less awkward.

“Nothing, I am just laughing at you looking at the sky so amazed” he responds shaking his head and smiling. I keep watching him for a few seconds longer then he leans over and just kisses me with an intensity that makes you relax but also feel butterflies and warm inside

“Hmm, okay. Whatever you say-.” I say teasing him as I part from the kiss and jump out of the jeep.

“You know what?! Do you want to fight?” He teases as he comes around the jeep to the back side where I am sitting in the back.

“Sure come on! Let’s go!” I respond, turn to him and put my fists up playfully. I smile when he does it back then jumps up next to me in the jeep and hugs me tightly making me almost worry about him. “You think that’s going to beat me?” I exclaim teasing him.

“Yes?” he whispers back, tightening the hug.

“Well you’re right” I responded laughing then hugging him back feeling his calm breaths come in and out. “I love you Kyler. You know that right?” I begin to ruffle his hair and just hold him while he listens to my heart.
       He breathes in deeply and then sits up dropping the hug and looks into my eyes with his, “I do know that and I love you too Octavia.” As he breaks the eye contact and takes my hand to pull me up to a sitting position we motions to the sky. The sky is full of colors and I can’t breathe. It’s so beautiful. My mouth begins to hang open and he laughs then puts his arm around me and pulls me into him making me feel snug and warm. As he grabs the brag of M&M’s and his fuzzy blanket and covers the two of us up I can’t help but smile at him and just take the moment in..

“You are the greatest friend in a boyfriend I could ever ask for. You are brilliant. You always seem to know exactly what I want or what makes me breathless. I look up at the sky and I may see color but really Kyler, all I see is you. I try to think of all of these other things and all the other people in my life but dang it Kyler I can’t stop thinking of you. When I am next to you I don’t have to think because at that moment I have you next to me. I don’t have to worry about losing my mind with you. I am at peace with you here. I am just me with you. I think of color, I think of you. I try so hard to not get caught in your eyes but I get lost every time. Kyler, can I always be yours to keep, yours to love, yours to argue with when you are feeling argumentative? Can I just be yours? Please? I am so tired of trying to be everyone's girl and being everyone's friend but not being valued by them. If you value me the way you make me feel can you just keep me close please?” I could tell his heart had dropped a few times and he was trying to find words because I usually took them from him and he was trying to take them back. He hugs me closer to him and found that I was cold making his warmth the source to what was keeping me from feeling cold. Why do I always think he is warm and why do I always find myself listening to his heart the entire time we hug? Why am I thinking so much, it’s so hard to not want to just be with him all day everyday. Man when we get our own place and live together I can’t wait to have that life. I am just so stir crazy without him. He shifts and I think he is letting the hug down but he doesn’t let go of me. I hold him back before he thinks that letting go is what I want, which is technically never going to be what I want. He then shifts again I am leaning on his shoulder as we looked out the windows.

“My dad and I got into a fight about you” he begins to say with an uncomfortable exhale. “That’s why when I came over to your house I was so tore up. He was mad about all the time I was spending with you and not with him. He felt that threatening your safety would make me want to be with him more and it just… It just made me angry. I tried to walk away but he jumped on me and started beating the crap out of my face. I kept my arms up trying to defend myself but it hurt either way. I finally hit him back and he got off of me, I just don’t know how to tell you this because it’s been on my mind this entire time. You’re my family now and I want you and only you if I am being honest. Like yeah, I love your family but you’re the only one I want in my heart. I love you Octavia and you are the one. The only one. I am afraid of hurting you because my dad tells me constantly that all I do is cause pain for those around me. I’m sorry for hurting you.”

“It’s going to be okay Kyler. I am okay. I feel safe with you. Okay?” I can feel his face shudder in my hand and his arm muscles are beginning to tense around me. “Kyler, can you look at me please?” he was hesitant to look at me so I repeated my plea again when he did. I am surprised by the kind softness I am greeted with when he makes eye contact. Focus! You are about to tell him something! Tell him what you feel, tell him that he matters so much to you. Better do it now! “Kyler, look I know you don’t always believe your dads words but the truth is I feel safe with you Kyler. Okay? It doesn't matter what we had to deal with or what we went through I feel safe with you. It’s nearly impossible for me to feel broken, unsafe, or afraid with you. The closest thing to fear I will have with you is when we are old and I know our time is coming to an end. Please Kyler try and relax? It’s okay now. I am here. I am alive with you. You’re my guy, your my family too, no matter what happens between us I trust you. In relationships there’s a chance of hurting the other person but sometimes it inevitable, you’ve never hurt me on purpose. So please relax and not beat yourself up so much?”
He suddenly gets out of the jeep and I get out and run around it to tackle him cradling him into a tight hug. “Urggg, fineeee. Get off me silly goose!” he finally yells when I hold him down on the ground.

“No I am not getting off you unless you smile and you relax and let go of what just happened. Besides we still have quite a few more hours of night.” I can see his eyes look back and forth and he finally makes his decision and smiles at me. His white teeth were sparkling in the moonlight along with his blue eyes taking in the rest of the colors in the sky that were with the northern lights.

“Fine. Okay you win. Again, now get off” he laughs then pushing me off. I let him push me off so I roll off of him and just watch him stand and dusts himself off. I hope he is okay, I wished I could make it all better and show him that everything will be okay. I just wonder what is really bothering him right now, what could it be..? We lay there together in the jeep and find that the cold is becoming uncomfortable so we hop back into the front of the jeep to head back to the cabin. I feel that something is bothering him but I don’t want to push him to tell me so I continue to hold his hand as we drive.

      When we get back home I am standing next to the fire place with my back to the front door just focused on the fire and zoning out and not thinking about much of anything. The door creaks but I don’t check over should trusting that it was Kyler who had walked into the cabin. I feel his hand on my shoulder and I took a deep breath feeling him touch me. I turn to look at him searching eyes which were gray with no color and I am not sure what to do or what to say. I wanted to say something but I had no words to say not even, I’m sorry. He then pulled me into the hug and I suddenly realized that was the reason I was lost for words, the way his hugs made me feel made me lose a need to speak or words at all. Wrapping my arms around his back, we hold each other closely and he begins to breathe in deeply and makes a comment which I don’t catch causing me to blurt,“What?”

“Careful, I’ve heard that if you stare into space for too long you’ll get lost in that time period” he repeats and begins to start laughing thinking that he was so funny.
I playfully push him “shut up, said no one ever” I smile at the playfully hurt look on his face, “I’m just kidding. I love you besides I’d rather get lost in your eyes that thinking about the universe and all that space.” He lets out a weird giggle then pulls me onto the couch with him to cuddle and fall asleep.