The Healer Who Needed Healing

Nome, Alaska

    The plane lands in Alaska where a little bit of snow’s falling but not to the extent that we needed to be worried. Kyler had decided on getting a jeep to rent for the two days we would be in Alaska, he still wasn’t telling me what we were doing in Alaska. He had said it should be obvious but it wasn’t. I couldn’t figure it out. 

    He and I enjoyed our time in the Jeep because it had always been a dream to go jeeping together. It was nice to look over and see him smiling and laughing at me as I would go off topic from our conversation and talk about our live or the memories that I had of us screwing around in history. Or the times we would make fun of each other in Spanish and we would laugh and laugh. My face would begin to hurt then he would say something even more funny and I would go back to laughing and smiling at him.

    “You know what Kyler, I don’t think I have enjoyed picking on someone as much as when I picked on you” I then say interrupting our conversation.

    “Pfft, whatever. I like picking on you more” he says laughing and poking me in the side.

    “Hey” I yell, beginning the laughter all over again. “I like it more, because then I get to see that smile which lights up everything. Then I get all fuzzy and warm when I see that smile of yours.”

    I go to poke him and then he grabs my finger and says, “don’t.” Unsure if he was being serious or not, I tried not to smile or laugh, but it exploded out and I began to laugh at him.

    He looks so cute when he is mad, not only that I can’t help but laugh at him when he’s holding my finger. “What are you going to do to make me walk?” I say sarcastically, not sure if I would regretting my action.

He looks at me then grabs the rest of my hand then looks at me with a mischievous smile. When he looks back to the road he lets go of my hand and I am unsure if I had hurt him. “I… I am thinking a lot right now. Sorry.” He then says gripping the steering wheel a little tighter. 

Should I say sorry? Should I. Gosh what should I do? I wished I could take back those words or-. I wonder if this has to do with what happened between him and his dad a few days ago.

“Don’t say sorry. I know you are thinking about it. I want you to know that I wouldn’t make you walk, I was just picking on you when I said don’t. I wasn’t expecting you to play along and just pick on me back. I am sorry” Then one of the songs on our playlist comes on and our tense moment moves on. The guitar chords play out and I look over at Kyler realizing that we both were getting a little emotional over a song.

So lately, been wondering

Who will be there to take my place

When I'm gone you'll need love to light the shadows on your face

If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all

Then between the sand and stone, could you make it on your own 

   

    I began to sing then he followed suit behind me. I began to sing softer and softer to the point where I could hear his voice singing each and every chord. His voice was gorgeous and I couldn't describe it no matter how hard I would try. When the song began to end I was still looking at him as we pulled into the drive of the cabin we were staying at. When we get out I run around to him to hug him tightly. “I love you Kyler, I couldn’t be happier with you.” He doesn’t respond but I know it’s because he is speechless.

    A few hours of us settling in we are sitting by the fireplace together just enjoying the crackle of the fire and the way it would dance on the logs. It was peaceful in the presence of the fire on this chilly night. I look at him having a sudden mischievous flutter of energy flow through me. I lean closer to him and he takes a deep breath and rests his head on my head. I almost hesitate to cause trouble but I want to make him laugh so I follow through.

    “Are you okay?” He then says,

    “Of course I am. I’m with the big dork” I say laughing pushing him over and tickling him.

    “Oh you’re going to pay for that!” He then yells out through the laughter then pushes me off and I run from him. I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breath. Then when I had the couch between the two of us causing me to make a mistake and let him trick me into jumping over the couch he is then already tickling me making it impossible to stop laughing and smiling. Then he stopped and hugged me close to him and I could feel him breathing deeply.

    “I love you Octavia and I am so grateful to have you” he then says, tightening his hug and kissing my neck. I then return the hug and hold him closer to me.

    “I love you more Kyler.” Our hug becomes as tight as possible and it was when I knew that my home was in his arms, I was finally safe. I could hear his heart pounding and the breaths beginning to slow. He was calm and so was I. “I-.”

    “Shhhhhh. I want to listen to your heart. Let me listen to that beautiful melody that you play for me when I hug you. Just this once” he interrupts me. I followed directions to stay quiet but I shifted on the coach so he could be more comfortable. My heart rate began to race when I let him lay next to my side and just rested his heart on my shoulder. As he lays there I play with his hair and think quietly to myself about everything in the situation. 

    Peaceful. It’s so peaceful. I am relaxed but I am also tense. I want this moment forever. I feel so needed and wanted with him holding me so close. I hate these walls trying to lock him out. I used to be so afraid to let people so physically close, but here I am allowing him to be inside of my bubble. I am shaking inside of my soul while he is so close to me. Ugh be quiet, don’t ruin this moment. He means so much to you yet you won’t let him in. What is your problem? Stop. I am fine. You are the one fighting and causing these problems. I am so calm. He is so warm with love and kindness. He is like the safety blanket that keeps me warm in the weather. 

    Little did he know that I was gradually falling asleep listening to each others rhythms. I was at peace while he was there keeping me safe and I didn’t have to worry about the dreams or the constant wonders of why and what I didn’t do in past relationships. I didn’t know that he had this effect on my sleep and my mental state until I was falling asleep on the couch with him. It was quiet and the fire was cracking to the point where the embers grew to a dark red and the wood was black. I was drifting in and out of sleep so when he picked me up to carry me to my room I jumped.

    “Careful. I won’t drop you, I promise” he says, reassuring me that I was safe for the second time. He then made his way back to my room to put me in my own bed.

    “I know you won’t” I respond grabbing his neck “I jumped because I fell asleep, and didn’t expect you to pick me up again.”

    “Ya you fell asleep for two hours then I decided that I would take you to your bed so you could get some sleep.” He was in my room now and I wasn’t sure I was ready to let him leave. He set me down and I didn’t let go of him neck. “What are you doing?” He then asks, sounding panicked.

    I just whisper “don’t leave. Please? Not yet.” He looked at me and I could see his brain processing his thoughts and choices. I release him and he stands up to look at me, then goes to say something then hesitates to say it. “It’s okay. I understand, I’ll talk to you in the morning.” I yawn then roll over still looking at him. What is he doing? I wonder what he is thinking about. My thoughts then silenced as he walked around my bed to lay next to me. Relax. He is here. Now leave it be, he will leave when you are asleep then everything will be fine. I then fell asleep and I hadn’t slept so deep in such a long time.