The Healer Who Needed Healing

Early Morning Struggles

I woke up to Kyler breathing hard and mumbling words under his breath partially due to being out of earshot making his words so quiet. I began to worry so I became as still as possible. I then roll over and look at the alarm clock which reads one o’clock. He’s dreaming, let him be. No, what if it is the kind of dream that always seems to scare him. I make my decision and swing my legs out of bed and take one stride over to his bed. My skin turns hot because I am nervous and not sure what to do or how to do it. I lay on top of his covers trying not to disturb him and gently curl up next to him with one arm over his stomach and my other next to his side. I rub his arm and whisper softly, ‘everything is going to be alright. I am here, please don’t be scared anymore. I am living and breathing. I am real. I will always be here for you.’
Unsure of what else to say I grow quiet but continue to lay there still and listen to his breathing which had calmed emsley since I woke up. His arm suddenly is on top of my shoulder making me flinch so I relax when I notice he is saying thank you without the words.
    Both of our breaths grow quiet as we doze back to sleep even though I am a light sleeper, especially when my friends or family are in my room or a strange place because I always feel like I need to be a guard at night.
   
Color, something that is light and is either reflected or absorbed. A smile, a way a person expresses their emotions without having to say a word just like anger where if you're angry everyone runs away because they know you might hurt them. Happiness? It is a smile and color combined. At times singers and song artists talk about “without you I can’t see color or my day has no sunshine without your smile.” I would say that is the reason for happiness and why we were blessed with it. Kyler.. My Team. What- Where-.
    ‘There’s a place I want to go. But where?’
‘Don’t you want to follow me?’
‘Who is speaking then I might answer the question?’ I respond trying to figure out where or who I was talking to.
‘Why what’s in it for you? Why is it so hot?’
‘It's me, your old friend. There’s nothing in it for me, just follow me.’
‘I have had many friends so a name would be nice.’ I respond unsure of what or who I was talking to. It was dark and I wasn’t sure where I was.
‘It me.’ The person talking steps around the corner and I realize who it is. Her, Makayla R, the girl that I cared so much about who nearly killed herself then pushed me away in the process.
   
I woke up. I am still with Kyler and his arm is still on my shoulder just a little tighter than it was earlier. He probably heard me talking again. I roll over slowly trying not to wake Kyler up and look at the clock. Damn, it is only 4. I would get up and go for a run in the hotel gym but I doubt it is open and besides I don’t need to freak Kyler out if he wakes up and I am gone. Ugh so many decisions. He is warm as usual, you know Octavia these 4 am conversations aren’t working out for you. I want to giggle at myself but I roll over next to Kyler and try to drift back off to sleep. As I drift back to sleep I feel him breathing deeply as if he had finally relaxed.
   
I am unsure of the situation. ‘Why are you here? Why now? I don’t understand, you left me by myself and made me cry because you nearly died. I am scared to see you again. I am so happy for once and your back to haunt me. I don’t want to be here with you.’ Then sooner than later my mind takes me to a calm place in my mind.
I am standing in the woods, the smell of aspen, a small wooden cabin, that puffs white wood smoke. I can smell the smoke which smells good and then there is another smell I couldn’t name. It was warm in the spring air as the birds were singing and butterflies of green and blues along with others of purple and yellow flapped around gracefully. My heart was fluttering like the butterflies. I loved the woods and especially this place, I had never been here in real life but this was a place I went to constantly when I had my complicated thoughts. Here in this place I was at a sense of peace. I had a smile on my face which was more than likely shining bright like the sun. Then I turn to see Kyler standing in the doorway of the cabin smiling and shaking his head at my childishness. I smile when I see him and the way he was eyeing at me.
It is quiet and calm here, may I stay? I think to myself in my dream. I walk towards Kyler and his smile brightens a little more when he sees me walking and looking at him. As I stride towards the door, I continue to smile. I am so happy here, I do not ever want to leave. Kyler and I look at each other through the doorway and he pulls me into a hug. It’s a very tight hug but at that point I didn’t care if I couldn’t breathe whether or if it was because my heart was pounding out of my chest.

I woke up with a smile and I noticed that Kyler rolled over and was hugging me warmly and he had wrapped some of his blankets around me. He was awake with his blue eyes looking into mine with a deep sincerity which brings a smile to my face.