The Healer Who Needed Healing

The Hidden Stories of the Heart

There were many loves Kyler and I shared, sports, guns, music, working out, and each other. It was probably very obvious to everyone who saw us together that we were meant to be together as a couple not just as friends. Even though we both shared our moments of denial about the feelings for each other we knew we had something deeper. Who knew it might actually last though? Nothing seemed to last in the day and age that we lived in. Relationships, moments, feelings, kindness. Taking for granted was something that I wasn’t exactly sure I knew the total meaning to mainly because most of my life I had been the one people had taken advantage of but never really could point it out. I felt like I was the advantage taker for the longest time because that’s what my past seemed to tell me. When I was sitting here holding Kylers hand it felt like nothing was going to hurt me and it also felt as if I wasn’t even hurting anymore. I look over at him and he’s in deep thought then looks over at me and smiles. He then grabs his hat and just puts it on my head and then a big ol Texas grin appears on his face. “It’s official, you look better in my hat than I do.”
    “Okay, first off I was wanting to wear your hat all day. Two, no this is your hat you look better in it.”
    “You aren’t going to win this Octavia” he boasts, beginning to laugh. I poke his side and he edges away beginning to laugh a little harder. “Octavia, I told you a compliment please take it!” I then begin to laugh and then just stick my tongue out at him and mock him.
    “Okay fine! Thank you for the compliment! I appreciate it!”
    “Good, I am glad. You’re so dang pretty. Always have been.” I was beginning to feel flattered and was beginning to smile and blush. He smiles at me and I lean over and kiss him on the cheek and whisper ‘thank you’ into his ear. “Could you tell me what exactly did that guy from the gas station did to you? I don’t want to repeat what he did. Or-. I mean-. Um, heh, at least know what to defend you from.” My smile begins to fade and I grow nervous about how I am supposed to tell him what’s happened in my life. “You don’t-”
    “I will, I just wanted to keep it locked up because everytime I open up bad things happen. I just don’t want to have anything happen between us. I really like you and I don’t want this scare to chase you away.”
    “I promise it won’t” that’s what everyone has said Kyler, I am afraid. No one really stayed after I shared this, I just want us to last. Please don’t go if I tell you the pieces to it.
    “Okay, I trust you.”

    My 5th and 6th grade years of school were not my smoothest moving years of my life. I was getting ready to move to the middle school from elementary and all of the boys were my friends and as we all began to mature they all had feelings for me and of them all I didn’t really like them. When I was in 5th grade there was the majority of the pain that racked up in my heart. 6th grade just stacked on top of the problems making them harder.
    There was a tradition for the 4th and 5th grade classes who were getting ready to go to the next level of education and it usually consisted of an overnight trip and a day long trip to a special place. My 5th grade class chose to do cross-bar X and with the overnight trip at the school. As you can tell there’s problems with this situation, while we were separated by girls and boys when I left in the middle of the night to use the restroom I had someone waiting for me and a violation to my innocence occurred in the bathroom. Months before this event there was a game that my guy friends liked to play which was zombie hand where they felt that pinching my butt would “feed their hand.” I tried telling them to quit and then I tried to ignore it with the hopes that it would maybe go away, most of my guy group quit but one of them didn’t and that was Kirk. Being a little kid, Kirk's threats to my family weren’t exactly what I would say right now as believable, but being young, immature, and accustomed to his violence I was forced to be his “girlfriend.” And allowing him to violate me the way he did wasn’t my best way to deal with it. While what happened in the bathroom was months after I had broken up with him, I tried to fight back. The next day I was afraid of him, not sure who to tell, where to sit, I felt disgusting. I sat with my friends Lyrn and Makayla in the back of the bus. I couldn’t tell anyone and had to pretend like everything was fine. Then that's when he asked Lyrn to change seats with him and he sat next to me. He got in my space and I was trying to push him away the best I could but his kissing continued. When he had enough he sat up and let me sit up, but his hand rested on my leg and didn’t have any boundaries.
    My 6th grade year I was smart about staying as far away from him as I could but it didn’t keep him as far away from me as I would have wished. I made another terrible decision to get on the bus when the bus drive wasn’t inside of it. But how was I supposed to know that he wasn’t going to stop and leave me alone. He grabbed me by parts of me that no one should be touching and pushed me down on the seat again threatening me by pulling at the edge of my jeans. I tried to push him away and get away from him but he had me in a weak and awkward position. He finally quit harassing me when his friends walked onto the bus and actually encouraged him.

    “Wow. Geez Octavia. I am really sorry. I promise that I won’t let it happen again and I won’t do anything like that to you. I promise. I really am sorry I couldn’t have been there to help you or defend you. I guess I can see why you have issues and some things bother you. I didn’t put it together until now when you explained this.
    "It's okay Kyler, really it is. I have been working to get over it. I just want to be over it now and not let it affect me. You are someone I trust so I believe it'll be better soon. Just don't share this with anyone okay? "
    "Okay, I promise. Hey look we are here!"