As seconds, minutes and a full hour passed by, I found myself getting gradually worried. Living in this hospital, I've seen many mental breakdowns. But something about this particular one, with Taehyung, made my anxiety fly through the roof. I've never met a person with Haphephobia, let alone shared a room. This being Taehyung's phobia, confused me because I couldn't decide whether I should be harsh on him or not. Is it worth it?
Two hours ago they took Taehyung away to the to the emergency office calm him down. I sat in the interaction room, his fake letter still in my pocket. Sana walked past and I rushingly sent a worried stare her way. She waited for me to ask a question, looking at me as she asked patients how they were feeling. She did it on purpose, wanting to hear my rushed, desperate question. She walked past me, but I stopped her, jumping over the couch as I landed on my legs "Is he okay?" I whispered
"Why are you asking?" She asked in a curious tone. "I don't know. Probably because if he's feeling bad enough, they'll switch him to another ward, meaning I'm going to have a room all by myself." I lied in a exciting tone to which Sana just shook her head in huge disappointment. I raised my voice saying that, so other people would hear me. But as soon as Sana walked away I quickly walked towards her and stopped her. "Dah, I told you many times to not be like that-" She started speaking but I cut her off, explaining. "I actually want to know. I'm worried." I said as we walked to her medical reception. "What? What game are you playing this time?" She asked, taking some medication out of the boxes and reshuffling them. She stopped all her movements for a second. "Really?" She asked. "Yeah, why? I'm not that mean." I spoke, trying to make my words sound casual. She hesitated with confusion of my words, until she sighed and finally told me.
"Due to his condition-" She started speaking, trying to avoid actually naming his diagnose. "I know he's a haphephobe and a germaphobe, but did his panic attack have to do something with his PTSD?" I whispered as Sana opened her mouth in shock. "How do you know-?" She asked in a overreacting confused tone. "I always know everything." I said but quickly spoke again. "But not now, Sana. Please tell me what happened." I said, resting my hands on the pult. She sighed again and continued, whispering. "He's better now. He went through his episode and got scared. He remember what he had did, so it triggered his mind and led him to the feeling of paranoia. Us being there, trying to comfort him was an even worse fear for him. It's hard to comfort someone with just your words." She softly spoke, feeling sensible about his story. "What did he do?" I asked in confusion. She just immediately shook her head and looked down. "Tell me, Sana. Pease." I said but she widened her eyes to something she saw behind me. I turned around and saw Taehyung. He was walking from the hallway towards the interaction room.
I remember thinking in that moment: Where are his white clothes? At that moment Taehyung wasn't wearing his usual clothes and he wasn't his usual self. His eyes were red and slightly swollen from crying. He wore a red cap that tried to cover his bloodshot eyes. He had on the t shirt he wore to breakfast, but it was almost covered by his all black tracksuit with little details. His look was numb, his lips didn't move as if they were sculpted out of stone. His perky ears were peeking on the sides of the cap that in this awful moment, gave him the only charm he would get recognized by.
I moved a little to the side when I saw him approach the pult. Sana was inside, looking concerned. Taehyung ignored me completely, proving his point that I'm not always the main motive of the painting. Even as he coldly walked, the breeze tried to avoid him, so it hit me when he walked by. Not looking at me had me frustrated and overthinking every move I made. I looked up and down, each second different. Taehyung stood in front of the glass, looking at Sana, who was sitting down. "Came for meds?" she softly asked, speaking a bit louder so Taehyung could hear her through the sound slits. He nodded and slid a piece of paper that had his medication listed by his therapist, through the hole at the bottom of the glass. His fingers softy brushed the pult as he slid the paper in, looking down. He didn't acknowledge my existence at all. As if I wasn't there. Sana looked for the little plastic bottles. She put her gloves on and put a few pills of different bottles in a small paper cup. The way he ignored me made me so puzzled I didn't know what to say or how to react. So, not knowing how to comfort people, I spoke the first thing that came to mind. Just so I don't drive myself insane. "You look like shit." I whispered, trying to break off the silence. Sana's eyes immediately found me, freezing in place after I spoke. But in a split of a second she continued and uncomfortably stared at Taehyung. Taehyung ignored, looking down to the hole. Sana slid him the paper cup with medication and a plastic cup of water. "I know." Taehyung said, not looking at me. He downed the pills and drank the water in a matter of seconds. I observed his adam's apple twitch as he gulped. He put the both cups down and wiped his mouth with his sleeve. "Thanks Sana." He said in a cold tone as she nodded. Taehyung only sent a numb glance my way and walked past me, incredibly far from me.
Was he always walking this far away from me, or am I just noticing it now?
I followed his movements with my as as he walked to our room. He took a napkin from his pocket and opened the door knob, entering inside. I quickly tried to follow him, but Sana stopped me. "Why would you say that?!" She raised her voice in sudden ridiculousness she expressed with her facial features. "I don't know what to say to people when they're feeling like that! This was the softest approach i came up with!" I yelled in a whisper, being angry at myself too. I tried to continue walking but she stopped e with her voice again. "dah your meds too." She said already filling the cup.. Being in a hurry, and not wanting to argue, I quickly walked to the pult and as the pills entered my mouth I positioned them under my tongue. I put both cups down. "Open." She said and leaned over to observe my mouth. In complete calmness I opened my mouth and she observed for a few seconds. "Can I leave now?" I rolled my eyes. She nodded with a sigh and I quickly walked down the hallway to our room.
When I got in front of the door completely stopped. The shiny doorknob left by Taehyung made my mind wander to many places again. He really didn't leave any mark behind him. Only occasional daisy that would fall from his pocket. But not today. Is the letter I carry inside my pocket the only thing that keeps and carries his touch?
