All this panic washed over me, making me extremely nervous. I wasn't prepared for getting into trouble over such a serious thing, but knew I could never lie and put a blame on Taehyung like that.
"No." I immediately spoke, making Sana's eyebrows furrow in slight confusion. "They're mine." I finally managed to say it out loud, forcing myself to whisper it out and look into her eyes. "You haven't been taking them, so you hid them, making us not able to find them?" She asked in a worried tone, scared of my predictable response. "Y-yeah." I felt my voice break and my eyes water. "I'm sorry, Sana." I cried out, immediately hugging her tightly. Sana kept hugging me, sighing upon realizing what I have been doing all along. I decided to take full responsibility, so I started speaking to hide my timid tone. "It's okay. You can tell the ward superiors. I'll face the consequences." I spoke, wiping my tears away. "I don't think I'll be able to do that, honey." She said and stroked my hair, the heaviness of her tone influencing my tears to water again. "Dahyun. You'll give me the box and the key to it. And you need to promise me to take all your meds from now on. I'll keep it a secret, okay?" She softly spoke.
Sana always took risks for me, making me worry about losing her job over my childish and ridiculous behavior and ideas. I swallowed a hard lump in my throat and nodded. "Okay." I spoke quietly, closing my eyes. Sana hugged me one more time under that cherry blossom tree, leaving me with many thoughts.
It only took a few minutes for my thoughts to turn into actions and invade my brain like a deadly virus. It was the virus of anger and sadness, washing all over me. It didn't help at all when Sana left me alone, for me to rot with myself and compare my being to the worms on the ground under the soles of my shoes.
The feeling of falling after reaching the sky was what my mind was going through. All these days that were happy and ours, turned into this. A sorrowful dawn that promised no good. All the bad and negative thoughts flooded my brain like a storm would flood the colorful and green city, making all the previous sunny days pointless. I was screaming to reach the pits of hell all inside of myself, hating the way I felt my skin crawling to get away from that very hell that carried Taehyung's touches that hurt him so bad.
One of my bipolar episodes was washing over me, making me experience pain all over again. I wanted to hurt everyone, including myself. And I just couldn't quite decide whether it was Taehyung who produced the storm in my brain, or was the bad things that occurred after every beautiful moment. I took a deep sigh and shut my eyes over the loudness my thoughts produced. I quickly pulled out the letter from my pocket, to distract myself and disconnect myself from the painful storm in my mind. But to my luck, this letter was destined to bring me more pain. It was the letter from Jungkook's lovely mother, making me strangely disturbed upon realizing the coincidence of reading it today on his death anniversary.
I collected all the strength that remained inside my body to read that letter, thankful I was sitting down and that my hands weren't shaking too much. I opened the envelope and pulled the folded paper out, immediately noticing the ink slightly staining the paper from the other side. I caused a daisy to fall out of the envelope as I accidentally turned it down, making the open slit face the ground. I felt my heart slightly clench on the inside of my chest as I observed the daisy on the ground, not wanting for the dirty grass and soil to stain its beauty. I picked it up and quickly put it inside my pocket, making sure that was the safest place it could belong too, other than Taehyung's hands.
I unfolded the piece of paper and began reading her beautiful handwriting, not at all ready to read what she wrote. My eyes tried to focus the best they can, ignoring the blurry sight due to the tears filling up at the corners of my eyes.
Dear Dahyun, I know you might not have expected this letter from me, but I wanted to know I was never angry at you. It saddened me not seeing you at the funeral, but I understood why you couldn't come. Life's been hard since Jungkook's passing, and I know it's been hard for you too. The ceremony was beautiful- The letter kept writing itself out, making me shut my eyes and skip some bits, the pain getting to me once again. Skipping a few lines, I managed to focus my cried out eyes on the next paragraph.
We threw the rose into the coffin for you too. I knew you would want to honor him in that way. I know that my son dearly loved you, dahyun. I was never angry at you. I know that the burden of your words keep you in hatred for yourself, and I know you could never heal from that. I don't think anyone could. I know he wanted to hear you say wonderful things to him before passing onto another world, but it wasn't your fault you said those bad things to him. He planned his suicide months prior, and didn't know that exactly that night you would lash out on him the way you did. dahyun,you're still a part of our family, even though we met only once at his birthday party last year. I'm sorry you had to observe him suffering. If you get out soon, I'd love to speak to you. I will understand if you don't want to talk to me, but I think I'd be nice if we could visit his grave one day. I know he'd love to see us together, but for now I'll keep writing and checking in on you, and I'll make sure you won't slip out so easily. I know it's only been a month, but I hope you'll feel better soon.
With love, Mrs. Jeon
I folded the paper in half, the words cutting deep into my brain. She was so sweet, not angry at what I did and how I said my then unknown awful goodbye to her son. She was right, he would love to see us getting along. It was something he always dreamed about. Getting both of us out, and then coming to a Christmas dinner, playing interactive games with his whole family. I remember his soft bare shoulder that held me so easily and comfortably. He would whisper all his positive dreams and thoughts to me, making me believe that heaven on earth might actually exist. Even when hell was all he felt, he made sure that I knew heaven existed, really resembling Taehyung's thought process in that way.
Jungkook and Taehyung are very similar in some aspects. Their positive outlook on life masking the unbearable pain they kept inside. I just hoped Taehyung wouldn't turn out like Jungkook did. 3 feet underground, lifeless and clueless of existence and a perception of life and death.
I quickly wiped my wet cheeks, feeling them hurt and stiffen from crying so much. "Shame you're not here." I whispered to myself, or to the sky actually, making my own brain wonder. It's a shame he's not here? Taehyung or Jungkook? "Both." I answered to the inner conscious voice inside my head that manifested many thoughts. I got up from the swing and looked up to one of the windows of the art room, noticing Minjee who was looking at me with a worried look once she saw my cried out face. She pressed her smaller fingers onto the glass window, signaling with her head to ask me what was wrong. I shook my head and shrugged it off, not wanting her to worry.
