"I like your paintings." He complimented me, observing my room. "Sure. Okay." I said in a confused manner whilst writing a copy of the schedule about the meals, medication and group activities for him. "You can't just say thanks to people?" He asked, giggling a bit as he showed his smile for the first time.
His smile was incredibly boxy, it did not seem like any other smile, making me slightly puzzled. "No." I coldly answered. "Thanks for copying that schedule for me." He said as he stood by the bed. "I'm only doing it because I have a feeling you'd fuck it up and then It would be my fault." I said as I took a red sharpie and underlined the important hours. "Well, thanks, anyway." He said in a bright tone and looked down. The way his mood switched from bright to cold and enigmatic, confused me. By then, I was already analysing him hard. Was he bipolar? Socially anxious? What is the reason he's here? I think I questioned myself more than I did him. Why was he so intriguing? I ignored him and continued copying. After a few seconds of silence I glanced at him up and down, noticing he was still standing. "Aren't you gonna sit? It's annoying me." I said in a harsh tone. "I'm good as of like this for now." "You're good as of like that? Don't you mean you're good as of right now? Are you that poor of a talker? The shrinks are not gonna love you really-" I started slightly provoking tone but he cut me off. "Why are you so mean and defensive?"
He asked in a slight chuckle that confused and frustrated me at the same time. He didn't care about my opinion or insults, which both infuriated and intrigued me. "Why did you pick me then?" I directly asked. "I like to be challenged." He said in a bright tone. "Jesus." I scoffed and rolled my eyes. After about 20 seconds he whispered to me. "Do you want one?" He shyly, yet kindly asked, pointing a plastic bag of chocolate candy to me, but actually the only thing I noticed were his tanned hands.
"No. Why can't you just shut up?" I gave him the judging look again. He took one for himself, quietly unwrapping it and putting it in his mouth. My eyes were focused on his plump lips and a tongue that swirled over the piece of chocolate. My mind was overthinking his simple offer. He distracted me a lot by doing all that. And I didn't know how to feel about it. On one hand, it was extremely random and kind of adorable and on the other hand, it was extremely annoying and stupid.
Sana softly knocked on the door and peeked her head in. Her beautiful white teeth shone through my eyes. "Taehyung, sweety, It's time to meet your psychologists." She softly spoke with a smile. He gave a reassuring half genuine smile and walked over to her. "Ugh, sweety." I scoffed, mocking sana's words.
"I heard you dah." She teased me in a serious tone. I shook my head. "dah. That's a cute nickname. I'm gonna call you dah now on." Taehyung suddenly spoke. "I'll knock your teeth in if you do that." I said, focusing on the paper in front of me. "Dahyun!" Sana scolded me with her tone at the same time Taehyung spoke "Deal." I slightly chuckled and rolled my eyes. Taehyung, walked past Sana as she scolded me with her look. After a few seconds, I finished the copy and put it on his nightstand.
I wandered around the room, trying to think about how should I act towards him. He made me question my character and personality so much. I did not know why did I feel a need to act nice towards him. Once my thoughts were way too loud, I kneeled and pulled the drawer out of the old wooden nightstand, finding a secret department where I hid my cigarettes. I was on my way to the only peaceful place here, somewhere I wasn't as bitter and fucked up as everyone thought I always was. Somewhere where my childhood and pure like character was kept all along, at least in that one last fragile fragment of my brain.
I went outside of the room, adjusting my cardigan right. I held my cigarettes and a lighter under my sleeve as I sneaked my way down to the main hallway. I hurried past the reception to not get noticed and opened the last, 13th door, on the right side of the hallway. I walked up the staircase that was leading me to the roof. I stood on my tip toes to reach for the key that was hidden inside a pot with a dried and shrivelled orchids.
I unlocked the door and walked up the few stone stairs that sent cold shivers through my shoes that missed their laces.I stared at the sky that was slowly growing more and more orange. I walked closer to the edge and sat down. I took of my shoes and pushed my feet out the gaps of the metal bars, keeping me from falling. I tried to lit a cigarette, escaping the wind. Even wind tried to stop me from smoking. Smoking since 18 years old never really gives you any sense that what you're doing is stupid. Acting tough in front of people when you're 21 is even worst. It's so childish, just like Taehyung said it. I inhaled a smoke and shut my eyes, trying to stop my thoughts. Why am I thinking about you? Why are you so real, yet you seem like a dream? Why would I feel something for you, after going through so many roommates? Why do you answer me back when I don't want you? Why do I only know you for less than a day yet you're already one of the most annoying people I know.
Thinking about you only results in me overthinking myself. Am I really this clingy to people? Am I even feeling the need to be close to you, or just push you away the further I can? Am I finally feeling something, so it scares me to a point of overthinking what you, a boyish stranger, thinks of me.
I smoked away my thoughts until I was feeling numb. Staring at the sky I lit another one and tried to focus on the progressive coldness my skin was feeling every second passing by. After half an hour, that seemed like an entire day, I got up and put on my shoes as soon as the dark night plastered onto the clear sky and I couldn't bear the coldness anymore in my light cardigan. I hid the key back to its place and walked down the stairs and onto the hallway. I walked right past the man hallway and entered back my ward. I walked down the hallway, observing the some ceiling lamps that were flickering. I stared at the lamp for a bit too long until my eyes started to hurt. I shook off my head and looked to my right where some of the girls of this wards were staring at me like most of the time. "What are you looking at?" I scoffed. "N-Nothing." One of them said as they continued staring. "Well, will you stop then?" I asked in a pissed off tone as they stepped back, noticing I was aggressively walking towards them. They quickly walked away as I shook my head and walked past one of the psychiatrist's office, noticing Taehyung was inside and already talking to one of the best out of the worst shrinks around here.I hesitated and stared. The state of perplexity washed over my entire body and mind.
He did it again. He was sitting there with the most numb stare, yet raw emotions that gave that numbness a meaning. He wasn't acting at all child-like or bright. He seemed rather sad and unresponsive to the treatment, like most of us yes, but seeing him like this made me question him even more. Why the act? Why is he acting so bright if he's fucked up? Why did he build that defensive character?
sorry 🥺🙏
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