Everyone stared at me. "C'mon losers let's go." I nervously said, playing it casual in my head. Sana and her friend nurse let a breath out with a hint of a disappointed chuckle. Sana walked by me after she made sure Taehyung was okay. I walked with confidence. I pulled my cardigan sleeves down so I wouldn't get cold when I get outside. And to hide a situation that took place last week that is yet for Taehyung to discover.
Sana unlocked the door where the staircase was and we slowly made our way down that same staircase. I glanced up where the way for the roof was and slightly smiling, in hopes no one noticed. But the one person I hoped the most wouldn't notice my smile, actually did. Taehyung of course, who was still observing me like I was some painting or that garden I stared through the window almost every day when I didn't want to go out to walk with these people. Then I moved my look away for him, explaining to myself that it's only pills that are making him this way. I remembered how powerless he looked today, all weak and hurt. That Taehyung wasn't looking at me right now. What was looking at me right now was a slightly drugged up version of Taehyung that didn't know for many problems. That forgot how it feels good to ignore me and not give me attention I get frustrated over. This was a version of him, not his usual self. Kind of like I am. I am a hundred of versions of myself that come through every day. I am an emotion. A ton of emotion that got all mixed up. And after it got mixed up it got diagnosed, and labeled and people didn't try to understand how I felt. They only tried to understand the definition of bipolar. Nothing more.
Then they only looked down on me upon hearing about my kleptomania, hiding even their useless things away from me. All I'm known for as a person is a thief and a unstable person. It amuses me how people these days find definitions and labels for everything. They judged my past, present and basic emotion I showed and forced a label down my mouth. All these labels: BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), Kleptomaniac, Bipolar, Anxious and manicly depressed adolescent was the only thing they wrote on their papers and sent me off to someone knew, who knew even lesser of who I truly was.
The cold breeze hit my face as we walked outside. I observed the pink sky that was mixed with the previous blue colour of the sky. I walked on the stone path, following Sana. I observed in complete silence and let myself enjoy the silence. After a few minutes, Sana and a few patients sat on the bench, and the other nurse took a few flower lovers, like Taehyung, to observe many plants and flowers. But Taehyung didn't come with her. In stead, he sat on the green swing that was under the cherry blossom tree that had plastered the entire ground around him with its petals. It was one of the most beautiful sights to see. I don't think anyone knew I loved vividly visual sights like that, or knew that I was human. All my drawings represented vivid beauty but people seem to think I do not feel what I draw, which is quite an absurd thing to think about. Is Taehyung really the only one who realizes that I'm hiding behind a tough character to not get hurt?
I took a sigh and crunched his empty letter I gently held with my hands inside my pockets. I walked over to him and sat in silence, kind of disappointed he was drugged because of his medication. He observed me so carefully, his distant eyes staring at me but not entering my soul and piercing through it. The sound of birds filled in the silence before I figured a sentence out and finally spoke. "Rat?" I softly asked from his attention, in an endearing way, leaving the question hanging in the air. "Yes?" He whispered, his sculpted lips finally moving, breaking off the figurative stones that blocked his tongue from creating a word. "If you weren't high on your meds right now, would you ignore me like you did before you took them?" I asked in a slightly timid tone. His eyes fluttered in a slight panic before he looked away from me, looking straight forward. "It's not all about you, again." He said, switching to a more direct tone, still looking numb. "Not what I wanted to hear." I rolled my eyes and got up but immediately heard his reaction. "No, please stop, don't go." He said and motioned his hands up towards me, keeping a far distance away from me. "I barely noticed you, today. I was afraid." He said and looked down. I sat back on the swing next to him. "What were you afraid of?" I asked. "I don't wanna tell you, or speak about it. We only know each other for a few days." He said but I tried to prove his point wrong. "Well yeah, but when you look at someone the entire day and live with them, you get the sense you knew them for years." I explained, looking up the sky.
