lost flowers

🎭46

Dear diary, daisy count: 4. It's the 3rd night of our independent lives. Hungry, lost, agitated. That's exactly how we feel, making us get frustrated at every little scrap we get in. I never noticed the way Taehyung and I would have these tensions between us that gradually got more serious and more painful. Last few days those tensions influenced us incredibly. Starting from the little provoking comment at my house to yelling at the top of our lungs to each other just like we did, 10 minutes ago. As I'm writing this right now, I can't help but to cry. Mouse went for a walk, taking all 4 of his daisies with him and he left me here. This fight was quite brutal, I can't stop thinking about his angry voice that sent chills rushing through my veins, making my body freeze. Why did we let ourselves get into this? At this point, I'd rather be drugged than here with him, as much as I hate saying that.

I wrote the last sentence messily as I wiped my tears. I closed the notebook and looked through the window if Mouse is anywhere near. Keeping a train of my thoughts on paper helps me not go completely insane. I always hated the idea of diaries because it never seemed like it could offer a relief, only a secret you'd need to hide away from people. But being here all alone is making me feel bad things. Things that no one should feel. So I write and I write, in hopes of it actually helping me, if Mouse can't help me as much anymore. I continued writing, wanting to free myself off any emotion and to write it all down.

This fight of ours was brutal. Passionate yet deadly. Like always, it started from the daises. It always starts from the daisies.

(Half an hour ago)

"I don't want to fight with you, Taehyung! It's 3 AM already and I'm so fucking tired, can we just go to sleep?" I raised my voice, the desperation in it overtaking my whole speaking tone. "You're not taking me seriously! How can you be so insensitive?" He spoke, making my heart clutch and my eyebrows raise. "What the heck are you talking about?! I've never made a joke out of you! What is your problem-?!" I spoke, to which he cut me off for the hundredth time this night. "YOU'RE MY PROBLEM!" He yelled, making me scoot back in pure hurt and fear. "You keep asking me about my daisies, knowing I'm in so much stress over having so little of them! You think I take that so easy?! They're the only things that make me happy! You keep hitting the nerve every time you ask about them, knowing full well how I get!" He spoke in a raspy raised voice, making me almost break in tears. "WHY DON'T I MAKE YOU HAPPY? HOW CAN YOU SAY THIS TO ME, TAE?! Then you say I'm the one who's insensitive." I yelled back, my tone gradually going down as I finished my question. "BECAUSE I'VE HAD THIS DAISIES BEFORE I HAD YOU! AND THEY KEEP DISAPPEARING EVER SINCE I MET YOU, AND NOW THINGS ARE SO FUCKING COMPLICATED-" He yelled, getting all up in my face. "Why do you use daisies to excuse yourself for having a problem with me?" I cut him off in a numbing tone, feeling tears roll down my cheeks. "Don't drag them into this. Don't drag something you love into making me feel like shit." I spoke calmly, staring into his eyes that began to water. He moved away and sat next to me on the backseat. He couldn't speak, so he just sighed. Sighed over not knowing what to say.

"I'm sorry that I was so intriguing to you then that you neglected your daisies. All because of me, right?" I spoke in a calm tone, slightly scoffing in disbelief. "Stop." He spoke directly in a quiet tone. I kept speaking, not being able to shut my own thoughts. "I hate the fact you love those daisies more than me. But I know that's how it always has been." I said, the tone of my voice choked out with tears. "Please stop." He spoke, shutting his eyes as he didn't want to hear me speak anymore. "But, why are things so complicated now, Taehyung? What's the difference now that we didn't notice before?" I continued numbly speaking, unintentionally making him more upset. "PLEASE STOP SPEAKING." He said through his grunt, making me observe his scrunched figure as he leaned forward. I couldn't get a glace of his face due to his hands being almost attach to his ears to block off the noise. "Why did you let yourself completely focus on me? Imagine how happy you would've been if you never let me get into your life. You'd have all those daisies for yourself. All 500 of them and you'd still expect more." I spoke, realizing my words were completely metaphoric. He let out a wince, crying to himself. "I can't offer you daisies, Mouse. And we both know I can't be a substitution for them-" I spoke as I stared into the distance from a car window, noticing a train pass by. "Why are you-" I tried to speak again, but a loud groan was followed with his screaming and desperate words. "FUCKING STOP." He spoke as his cried out eyes finally looked into me. "I can't deal with you." He spoke as he leaned to get his daisies that were wrapped in a white tissue from the driver's seat. He opened the car door with his clean tissue to get out of the car, but I stopped his hand, making him slightly flinch his head towards me. Without a thought, I pressed my lips against his, hoping he would stay. He moved his head away, not letting me kiss him. "Don't leave, Mouse." I softly spoke, trying to hold his cheek but he moved away again. "Don't manipulate me with a kiss." He coldly spoke as he opened the car door fully and got up. He exited the car and shut the door on his way out.