6:58 pm. Music therapy. 10 minutes before meeting Taehyung on the roof and he's not even here with me. Did he skip music therapy to go on the roof? 6:59 pm. Still thinking about Rat. I counted down the last 60 seconds, immediately leaving my chair once the big blue clock on the green wall went to zero. Everyone slowly got up too, me being almost halfway to my room to take my jacket. To my surprise, Taehyung was inside. Staring through the window as he counted his daisies. "Do you count your daisies every single day because they warned you that I'm a klepto or?" I asked, trying to break of the silence without attacking him with questions about where he was. I closed the door and heard his voice echo through the room. "Just making sure they're all here." He softly spoke. I stood blank for a long second before asking a question. "How come you're not on the roof? It'll be 7:09 pm and we don't want that for you OCD brain." I playfully teased, to which he started talking in a more serious way. "Can we stay in our room and talk?" He softly asked, slight desperation in his voice to make me stay. "If you won't go, I'm going." I snapped back, not knowing how to react, rejecting emotion being the only thing I always fell under. "Are you seriously going to leave me?" He asked in a more desperate tone, making me completely stiff. "What did you expect from me?" I asked in a slightly over-the-top way. "Why the change?" He asked, his face changing emotion to a more frustrated one. "What?" I absurdly asked, not understanding. "How can you turn from being so human to this after only one night?" He said, stepping close to me. My heart raced and my breath hitched. "What, you're saying I'm not a human right now?" I asked, feeling frustration build up inside of me. "That's not what I-" He tried to explain, rolling his eyes at my sudden attack. "I'm fucking bipolar, Taehyung. I'm hard to deal with. You know that, so why are you so overly attached to me?" I snapped. My words made him snap too. The same moment was repeated, just a different place and slightly more frustration.
"I'm overly attached?! I fuck with your subconsciousness so much you had a dream about fucking me-!" He blurted out, leaving both of us in shock over what he just spat out.
Taehyung was never really the kind to swear and use language in such a damaging way. So that part surprised me too. "You're such an asshole! Take that back!" I raised my voice, panicking. I started breathing heavily, hating this kind of a verbal argument, hearing something I never wanted to hear from him. "No! You're hurting everyone around you! Why does that not bother you?" He kept throwing those words at me as I felt myself having a panic attack. "Not everyone's life goal is to hurt you. Can you stop being so selfish and self absorbed?!" He kept talking. Couldn't stop. Taehyung snapped, again.
"And not all boys are going to hurt you like that one did! Why do you blame me for listening to the rumors if you won't tell me the truth? Why should I trust you when you lie so much?!" He talked about the rumors. There once was a love interest I had in this hospital. Things weren't so nicely played out.
"He killed himself after we fought!! He tried to get under my skin the same way you do! How the fuck could I trust you or any other boy after that?! IT NEVER WAS ABOUT ME. I DON'T WANT YOU TO MAKE ME SAY THINGS I'LL REGRET AND THAT YOU'LL END UP KILLING YOURSELF!" I raised my voice, tears rolling down my cheeks. Taehyung's face softened as he carefully listened. "You only know about the rumors that yeah, he had sex with me but that I kept stealing his meds so he would never leave the hospital! Do you-do you really believe that?!" I spoke in a panicked tone.
"Guess you didn't analyze me well to notice I care too much ab-about people." I said and felt my hands shaking with nervousness and panic.
I thought that I could argue with Taehyung and still fool him with my glass shield, but right in that moment, Taehyung was breaking the pieces of my glass shield and shoving the broken glass into my mouth. "I guess you finally fucking snapped. See what you did. Fuck you. Fuck you-" I said, wiping my eyes full of tears. I felt myself having a mental breakdown so I slid down to the floor as my back leaned against the mattress. "Dahyun. Calm down. Please." Taehyung pleaded with tears in his eyes. He kneeled down and got very close to me. I couldn't stop hyperventilating. "It's okay, it's okay." I heard him whisper in a slight grunt.
While I felt trapped in the prison of my thoughts, I was too focused to notice why Taehyung was grunting. My body was regaining conscience from feeling numb as I felt Taehyung's fingers stroke my hair. Taehyung was touching me, feeling discomforted, but did everything to calm me down.
"Don't do that-" I worried about his condition but he cut me off. "I'm-I'm okay." He slightly grunted. Then there was silence. A shock like that calmed me down as I finally didn't have to savor the touch of his hands. In that deafening silence, Taehyung's hands went on a journey. He collected all the courage he could and quickly grabbed my small hand, putting it in his. He breathed in and out, shutting his eyes as he felt slight pain. He took my hand and guided it to his face to touch his cheek. "Are you sure? I don't think this is a good idea-" "Please." He whispered mid his quickened breaths and all I could do was let him. My fingertips pressed on his cheek as we both let a breath out. Taehyung's hands found my neck as his eyes were still glued shut. "Rat. Don't do this just because you think that I want-" I tried to speak in panic but a sudden touch interrupted my thoughts completely and made it all a blank page for me. It wasn't an usual touch. It was a touch of lips. So soft and timidly pressed onto mine.
I winced in realization, in sync with Taehyung, who winced out of pain. His fingers didn't move, so I tried to keep mine on his cheeks, not moving. I pulled away and stared into his eyes as they slowly opened. "I'm doing it...for me too." He breathed out. Taehyung was experimenting with his phobia, making me panic about how much he could handle. "This is not a good idea, Rat." I whispered, trying to collect myself. "You're not the only one who has been confused about their subconsciousness." He said. "I keep wanting to touch you, even if I know I couldn't. I never thought I would think of someone in that way again." He said and looked down. "I don't want to hurt you, Taehyung." I spoke, feeling calmed down after the kiss. "I'm on some meds, so I can take it. Let me use that to do things I would want to feel better." He spoke, his words triggering me from sounding quite familiar from my dream. "You're going to feel bad in the morning." I said and moved my hand from his cheek away, but that only made him experimentally grab the side of my waist, making me come closer to me. "Please." He said and before breaking down in tears again, I pressed my head into his chest and grabbed him by his shirt. His arms awkwardly made their way around me. Taehyung's breathing sped up and his heart beat was going at an incredibly fast rate. "Kiss me more. Please." He whispered. I moved up and slowly positioned my hands on his neck and jawline to bring him closer to me. He shut his eyes in pain but relaxed his face once he felt my lips on his. I kissed him so softly, trying to apologize with touching him. He reacted to the kiss better than the touch, that was for sure.
When I touched his hard chest I felt him let out another wince of pain. "Okay, that's enough." I said and pulled away from the kiss. Taehyung moved away and tried to process what had just happened. "It's not good to experiment with these things." I tried to explain to him but he cut me off, looking into me. "This is not really an experiment for me. More like a thing I'm dying to feel like I used to." He said and looked down. Then we talked. We talked for hours that night. And I was scared. And you were scared too, Rat. But that night we were on our way to go to sleep on opposite beds in silence, yet our minds filled up the room with our thoughts. Both of us young, confused and scared. I know that we both didn't know what was next to do. And what even were we. And if it really is possible for us to be something else.
In sudden panic and jumped out of my bed and turned on my lamp. "What's wrong?" Taehyung asked, slightly sitting up. I had to check if this wasn't just another vivid reality. I stared at his side of the room, full of daisies. I slightly smiled.
"Nothing, Rat. Just checking if all daisies are there."
