Running a hand through my hair, I take a deep breath as I stare at the floor of Angel's office.
How can Dawn have done all this? I mean, she's not that type of person. She's good and she only wants to help. I know she's had her issues over the years and we haven't always gotten along. There was the time she kicked me out of my own house when the Potentials turned against me. Probably the worst things ever got between us. But we worked through it when she figured out how to close the hellmouth permanently the way she did. Everything was supposed to be good after that.
Although I'm not even sure I can trust my memories of all that. If Pike is right and she's been able to change the world to fit whatever she wants, then I can't be sure anything I remember is real. Maybe it's all made up and none of it ever happened. This is so much worse than when I found out that the monks gave me Dawn in the first place.
This must be what Dawn felt like when she found out what the monks did when they created her. To not know what's real and what's fake. To have to question everything and everyone around you and what they really mean to you. It's not a good feeling. I understand why Dawn would feel so lost and hopeless and willing to do anything to figure it out. I never knew what she really went through until now. That's assuming I can even trust remembering what Dawn went through at all.
But what's really screwing with my head is why Dawn would do this? What could've been so bad that she had to remake the whole world just to fit whatever she wanted? I thought she understood that using things like magic and all that isn't supposed to fix everything and give you everything you want. There are consequences to doing things like that. After what she did to try and bring Mom back, and after I died and came back, and the wish she made to Anya's vengeance demon friend, and everything that happened with Willow and The First?
I thought she would've learned that lesson by now. If Pike is right though, she either didn't, or something really bad must have happened to make her think this was the right thing to do. But I can't imagine what could've been so bad to make her think that way. Dawn isn't that kind of person... or at least I don't think she is. Maybe I only think that because Dawn wants me to think that.
God this is all so screwed up. I don't know what to believe or how to feel about anything. This isn't a bad life. I'm happy and so is everyone else I know. I have what I want and I was finally starting to feel like there wasn't some big bad thing coming around the corner to screw it all up. There was no way I could've thought that Dawn would be the thing that would do it to us all.
I don't understand how any of this is possible.
The door to Angel's office opens and I look up to see him slowly making his way to me. He asks the question I've been asking myself for the last little while.
"Are you okay?"
I take a deep breath.
"Honestly? I have no idea."
There's a pause before he says anything.
"Makes sense. It's not every day that you find out your whole world has been turned upside down."
He sits down next to me on the couch. I can't help but chuckle at that.
"Actually, it was. That was basically my whole life for the past 10 years. Almost every week my life was turned upside down by something or someone. But since the hellmouth was closed, I thought that wouldn't be the case anymore."
"I was almost starting to think the same thing. I was happy too and didn't have to worry about the consequences of that. But apparently that's all been a lie, or something like a lie. And I guess I have a son I never knew about."
Right... I should ask him about that.
"How are you doing about that?"
He looks out his very large windows with special glass that keeps him from burning up in the sunlight coming through it.
"I don't know. Being a vampire, I always assumed that I would never have a son. That it just wasn't in the cards for me. Now to find out that I have but just forgot? It's strange."
I get that.
"I figured."
"I can't help but wonder, who is he? What was his life like? And was I a good father to him?"
"Yes."
He looks at me.
"I mean, not that I know for sure, but... if you were half the father to him that you are a man and a hero? He's lucky to have you."
That makes him smile.
"Thank you."
We just enjoy looking at each other for a while.
I guess I should ask.
"So... do we want to talk about it?"
He doesn't respond right away.
"We can if you want, but I know how I feel."
He does?
"You do?"
"There's no universe where I don't love you. No matter what Dawn may have done, I know she couldn't change that."
That's so beautiful. I wish I could feel the same way.
"Do you really feel that way?"
"Absolutely."
I look down before saying anything.
"I'm not so sure. I know I love you now, and if I met you in any way in that other universe, I know I'd feel the same way. But I don't know that for sure."
Bringing my focus back to him, he's got a slightly hurt look on his face.
"I'm sorry."
"I understand. Neither of us was expecting to get this kind of news. We can't just assume that we feel the same way in whatever universe we come from. For all I know, I'm raising my son with whoever his mother is and we're perfectly happy. There's no way to know for sure."
Right, I should ask.
"Any idea who she might be?"
He seems to think about it for a while.
"No idea. In my time here, I've known a couple women who could be the one, but I don't really know."
"I know you and Cordy had feelings for each other before she ascended and everything with Jasmine. Do you think it might have been her?"
"Could be, although I hate the idea of my son losing his mother like that."
I reach out, putting my hand on his.
"I'm sure you got him through it."
There's a long silence between us.
"What about you? Do you think there was anyone in your other life?"
That's a good question.
"I don't know, maybe. I would hope so but I'm not sure who he could be."
Angel squeezes my hand lovingly.
"Well if there is, they're a lucky guy."
I smile at him, leaning in for us to kiss. It's slow and deep and makes everything feel better. After a while, we break the kiss but keeping our heads together.
"So... what are we doing next?"
I have no idea.
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