Running my hands through my hair, I take a deep breath while waiting for people to arrive.
I didn't want to believe it, but it's true. All of it is completely true, and now I remember everything. The things that Dawn wanted me to forget. How she made me into something she could control and get to do whatever she wants. Whether I wanted to do them or not. I don't really know what she did exactly and what she changed about me, but I definitely don't feel right. And what I do know is stuff I wish I didn't.
Especially what happened with Connor. Dawn was the one who suggested bringing someone else into our relationship. She's the one who chose Connor and surprised me with him. She knew exactly who Connor was when she brought him in. She knew how I would probably feel if I actually remembered everything she'd erased. And yet she went ahead and we got together anyway.
Worst of all, I have no idea what exactly was my choice and what wasn't. Dawn rewrote my whole life just to fit her personal desires. To make me into the kind of person who would go along with what she wants. Satisfy her in whatever way she can think of. Never even considering how it would make me feel or whether I would be okay with it.
This is so much worse than the spell she cast on me that backfired. She didn't know what she was doing last time. But she knew exactly what she was doing and she did it anyway. And not just to me, but to everyone. There's no telling how bad it is. What she could've done to her sister and the gang and whoever else she wanted to do things with. All for her own amusement.
I don't know who Dawn is anymore. Whoever she is now, it's not the woman I know... the woman I love more than anything in the world. She's become some kind of twisted, malicious version of herself that I just can't understand. It's beyond even what I was at my worst moments. Mostly because I actually felt bad about what I was doing. Even if I couldn't admit it to myself. I'm not sure the same can be true of Dawn.
Maybe that was who she was when we were a couple before. Or after we broke up, but whatever happened to her at college clearly changed her. Made her into someone else. It might even have made her into someTHING else. She's definitely not who I've always known her to be. As much as I wanted to believe that there was some other force out there doing this to her when I had no memory, I know that's not true. She's the force doing this and I'm not sure what that means. It's hard to see if any part of that person is still there. She might not be. Can we even save her if that's true? Should we try at all?
It's starting to feel like the right thing to do is to let her go.
"Faith?"
I look up as she says my name.
And I don't even know how to feel about what she did to us.
"Everyone here?"
There's a long silence from her as she just watches me.
"Yeah."
Again there's silence between us.
I don't really know how to talk to her. Not after what I saw in that vision. What the heck even was that? I don't remember it from anything. Except that it felt so familiar and so intense.
"You okay?"
I take a deep breath.
"I have no idea how to answer that."
She's the one to take a deep breath, idly taking a few steps but in no particular direction.
"I know what you mean. I feel the same way. At least when we didn't have our memories, there was still a chance that this was all some kind of mistake. But now?"
"Now it's all a little too real."
Another moment of silence happens before B asks.
"Speaking of too real, did you see that memory? It felt real but I don't remember it. What did you see?"
Maybe it'll help if I tell her.
"I saw you dying."
For some reason, she doesn't seem that surprised by this.
"It felt kinda like I was... but that's not how I died... and you weren't there."
Could've been a vision or something.
"Do you think it was a slayer prophecy?"
She takes a moment to think about it.
"I don't think so. They're usually a lot weirder and kinda vague. This didn't feel like that."
Hmm...
"Plus, as much as I like you B? I'm not in love with you, and I can't see it happening between now and whenever this happened."
She seems actually kinda hurt by that.
Wait... is she...?
"B?"
It takes her a second to answer.
"It's nothing."
"Doesn't seem like nothing."
B eyes me for a moment.
"It's just... before Dawn did all this? I was starting to wonder... if maybe there was something between us. Like... more than just friends."
Oh... not really sure how I'm supposed to take that.
"I'm not saying I have feelings for you. I don't. But I thought maybe I could have them."
I should probably say something.
"B... it's not that I don't like you. We talked about this though. I don't think of you like that. It's just not a thing that's gonna happen for me."
She gets this hurt look on her face.
"Yeah, I know that. I didn't think that anything was going to happen. I just... with all the lies we're dealing with? I didn't want to lie to you."
Makes sense.
"I appreciate that B."
We smile at each other.
"You're right though, there's no way it could be a prophecy. We're not going to just suddenly fall in love any time soon. So what is it?"
Probably good call to just focus on this thing instead of what she's thinking.
"No idea, it's super weird. What if it doesn't mean anything?"
She gets this questioning look on her face.
"How do you mean?"
"What if whatever it was, is just the thing we needed to get our memory back? What if it's nothing more than that?"
B considers that for a second.
"Well there's always a first time for that to happen I guess."
I can't help but chuckle at that.
"Yeah... that would be nice."
There's a few moments of silence.
I might as well ask.
"What do you want to do about Dawn?"
She takes a long and deep breath.
"I don't know... I'm... not sure what we should do. I mean, what Dawn did was wrong, but..."
But?
"But what?"
"This world isn't so bad, is it? Anya's alive, she and Xander are happy together, Willow and Kennedy are still together, and Angel and I can be happy. Not to mention Sunnydale's not a hole in the ground."
Is she saying what I think she's saying?
"You're not suggesting..."
She cuts me off.
"No, never... I'm not saying that we should just live with it. I can't live knowing that Dawn made things into a world for her own fun. It's just... Dawn could've done a lot worse. She could've made the world into one where we were tortured endlessly and could never be happy. She didn't do that. We actually got to be happy. Maybe that means there's still hope for her?"
I'm not so sure.
"I don't know about that B."
She watches me for a moment, expecting more.
"What Dawn did to me wasn't exactly a happy thing... not exactly."
"What did she do?"
"Well, she..."
I stop, like I'm not even able to say the words.
What the hell? Why can't I say it?
"She and I... we..."
I can't bring myself to actually say it.
"What is it Faith?"
Wait... is it because...
"I... can't tell you."
She gives me this questioning look.
"You can tell me anything Faith. Just say it."
I try again but it doesn't work.
"I literally can't. I want to, but I can't. And I think it's because of Dawn."
"Did she do something?"
How do I tell her without actually telling her?
"You remember that conversation we had about Dawn? With our no-go topics?"
It takes her a second to figure it out.
"Yeah... but what does that...? Oh..."
"Dawn told me that I can't talk about it with you. And now..."
"You can't talk about it with me."
"Exactly."
"So... whatever you're talking about... is about sex?"
I try to answer the question but I can't. She seems to get the picture.
"She made you do things you didn't want to do."
Again I try to answer her but nothing happens. Buffy watches me for a second.
"So she's not as good a person as I was hoping. Do you think she's too far gone?"
I didn't think this would be the way I would come down on this, but I have to.
"I know I was the one saying we can save Dawn, but... I'm not so sure anymore. I think..."
Not sure I can say it but it has nothing to do with what Dawn did to me.
B finishes the thought for me.
"We might have to let her go."
I don't say anything to that.
"But before we go there, I think we should still try and save her first."
That I can get on board with.
"You're right, it's just a question of figuring out how to do it."
"I guess it's time we did that."
I stand up and we make our way back into the main room of the Magic Box.
I just hope we can save her before it's too late.
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