vacancy screams from my bedroom door | lil peep

9 | make good decisions

it had been a month in to the tour, ava was completely exhausted and felt like shit. gus' behaviour hadn't changed, if anything it was worse. ava didn't remember the last time she saw him sober, his face had begun to sunk and was slowly turning into skin and bones from all the weight he had lost. he didn't come back to bed until almost morning, some nights not at all. 

ava was fed up, she'd had enough. she loved gus, she really did but she couldn't handle watching him do this anymore. ava didn't wait for him tonight, she pulled him away right after he got off stage. "told ya i was gonna be a rockstarrr babe" gus slurred, "we need to talk. tonight. we're going straight to the room as soon as the bus stops" ava said, making it clear it was important. 

gus' demeanour changed right away, realizing ava was obviously pissed off. "babe, what's wrong?" he asked her, obviously wanting things to be right. "you" ava said, coldly. "aves, talk to me please. what did i do? i love you" gus tried to resolve whatever the issue may be. "just talk to me later. love you too" ava said and walked away disappearing into the hall. 

ava

don't even think about following me

ava knew she would lose it if she talked anymore, and she didn't want that to be in front of everyone. 

gus got dragged back into the party by his friends, he wasn't feeling it anymore . he felt frozen and empty like everything was happening around him and he couldn't do anything about it. he wanted nothing more than to go find ava and make sure she was okay, but he had a feeling that would make it much worse. considering that she specifically told him not to do exactly that. 

gus walked on the bus as soon as it arrived, ava was already there beside audrey who gave him one of those 'stay the fuck away from us' glares. gus went to go find adam, "bro do you know what's up with ava?" gus asked. "there's something wrong with ava?" adam asked gus, just as clueless. "oh, audrey is with her and seems to be equally pissed at me so thought maybe she told you" gus explained. "nope, nothing. sorry man" adam told him. 

gus sat alone in his bunk on the bus, people had started to catch on that he didn't want to be bothered. everyone else was so focused on themselves and their friends that they never noticed ava was completely off. the bus stopped at the hotel, gus ran after ava like a lost puppy as she walked inside. "okay, we're at the hotel. you said you would talk now" gus told her. 

"it's like i don't even know who you are anymore" ava said, not really knowing how to start "i never see you much anymore, i haven't seen you sober since this god damn tour started. you're out late or don't even come back from doing god knows what with god knows who. is there another girl,  gus?" ava asked. "ava, no, what the fuck where is this coming from? no there's no other girl. i love you, only you, i only wanna be with you" gus said. ava nodded, satisfied with his answer. she thought he was being honest about that. "and that's just like tour life i guess, just party, party, party and go, go, go all the time" gus said, not realizing there was anything wrong with his behaviour "no gus, you're a fucking drug addict. you haven't been sober in weeks" ava started to get angry. "no i'm not" gus said, in denial "maybe if you just loosened up a bit and stopped being so fucking uptight and tried to have some fun for once we could actually see each other after the show" gus said, shocking ava a bit. she didn't expect him to have such a harsh answer. 

"excuse me? i need to loosen up? gus do you know how hard it is to watch the love of your fucking life slowly fucking kill himself everynight? this is going to kill you gus, if you keep going like this. it's a little hard to have fun while watching you do this shit to yourself, it's a little hard to have fun when i haven't fucking slept because i've been awake waiting for you to come back so i know you aren't fucking dead. it's a little hard to have fun when i don't even know who you are anymore because you're just fucking high all the time", ava was starting to break into tears, unable to hold in her emotion any longer. 

gus was speechless, he didn't know what to say. maybe she was right, but he couldn't stop now. he needed the drugs to deal with the pressure of his newfound life, there was a lot of pressure and stress on him this tour and he couldn't take it. he needed to be high to make it through the day without losing it. but he needed ava too, and it seemed she was putting him in a position to choose one. more and more tears fell from her eyes. it broke gus' heart to see her like this, especially knowing that he was the one causing her all the pain. 

"you don't even have anything to say? you're an asshole, a selfish asshole. have you ever thought about how your actions effect other people?" ava spoke through tears. gus remained silent. ava could do nothing but shake her head at him, beginning to storm out of the room. gus got up and tried to stop her but she promptly slammed the door in his face, giving him a very clear signal to back off. ava walked down the hall through blurry vision to the next closest room, knocking on the door. 

smoke opened the door to a sobbing ava, tracy on the bed on the other side of the room. "oh gos ava, what happened?" smoke asked, concerned by the crying girl at his door who was now like a sister to him. "gus" she sobbed, "is he okay? did something happen to gus?" smoke asked, trying to sort out what was happening. "no he's fine, i just can't do it anymore" she cried into his shoulder "do what?" he asked, "be with him, not if he keeps going in the direction he is" ava told him, you could hear the heartbreak in her voice as she said it. "what do you mean?" smoke asked her, still trying to clarify exactly what was happening. "he's never sober, he hardly comes back to me at night, i can't sleep not knowing where he is, i can't just stand here and watch him kill himself anymore" ava said, sad and angry. 

"ima go talk to gus" tracy said, tapping smoke on the shoulder. smoke held her while she cried, "shh, it's okay. aves, i know one thing and that is that gus loves you so much. you're his whole world and basically all he talks about when you're not there. he's struggling and this tour is becoming difficult for him but you're his biggest saving grace" he told her. "i love him too, but that's why i can't do it anymore. it's too hard" ava told him. "i know, we're worried about him too" smoke said. 

tracy let himself into gus' room, gus was sitting with his head in his knees on the floor beside the bed. "bro what's going on?" tracy asked gus. "ava, i think i lost her man. i can't fucking lose her. i can't" gus' voice cracked, trying to hold back tears. "where is she? did you see her? is she okay?" gus asked, needing to know. "she's with smoke, i saw her, she's safe but definitely not okay" tracy told him. "i fucked up" gus said, "i can't lose her, but i also can't fucking get clean right now so what the hell am i supposed to do?". gus finally cracked, breaking down into tears on the floor. "you're both gonna have to start to compromise some stuff if you want this to work man, she loves you but you're worrying her sick and she can't take it anymore" tracy told him. 

there was a knock at the door. it was smoke and ava. gus hugged her as soon as he saw her "i'm sorry" he cried into her neck. ava hugged him back in silence for a few seconds. she pulled away, "i'm going home" she said, gus' heart dropped and the tears fell harder. "i'm not breaking up with you, i just need a break. i'll see you at home when tour is over in a month" ava told him. at least she wasn't breaking up with him. "please stay" gus begged in tears. "i can't. i've made my choice" ava said firmly.  she hugged him one last time "bye gus, i love you. please, make good decisions" she told him before she left the room. smoke packed up her bags and left a few minutes later. "i love you" he spoke quietly, knowing she would never hear him. gus fell to the floor on his knees, completely broken. 

a/n 

last update for today guys

thanks for the love on this story!

chapter question: how did yall come across this book? just out of curiosity.