Emma Potter; Going to War

104: The Talk With Past

You are not better than the man you are fighting against. 

If they know what you did, they'd hate you. 

They already hate you, you got them into this mess. 

It was weeks later, and I was tossing and turning in my hammock, trying to sleep. But people kept whispering around me, my thoughts pounded against my head. I needed something, anything, to show that I wasn't hated. 

Zach's death flew through out school, throughout the week I felt like meat amongst butchers. And even after saving fifteen more kids, practicing my animagi transformations, after being exhausted, I couldn't sleep. 

Draco was in his hammock, reading by wand light. It wasn't that we were uncomfortable sleeping in the same hammock, it's just that we had both chosen one and neither had come to the other. There were fifteen tiny hammocks for the kids we had saved. 

I made my way to Draco, rubbing my tired eyes. I tapped him on the arm, he looked up. 

"Hey, darling," he smiled. "Is the light bothering you?"

I mutely nodded, giving him a weak smile. The light went off and I heard a thud as the book feel into his rucksack. Then, before I had time to change my mind, I clambered in with him. 

"Princess?" Draco asked as I wrapped my arms around his waist, "you alright?"

You disgust him. 

"Do--you not want me to?  Because, I can go--"

"No," said Draco, pulling me back before I had the time to move. "No, that's not what  I meant. I meant, I'm usually the one who has to beg you to cuddle. You good?"

Silence. His arms wrapped around my waist as I turned away from him. 

"Love?"

"Do you--" I gulped, "do you blame me for this war? Without me--"

"It's either no war or no you, right?" 

I nodded. 

"Then I'd take the war any day. As long as you're alive."

"But I may not--"

He silenced me with a kiss. "Do not finish that sentence."

"But you never know," I protested. 

"True," he said, "but I believe your strong enough to defeat him. I really do."

"You believe in me more than I believe in myself," I chuckled weakly. 

"I could say the same,"  smiled Draco, sadly. "I got Patronuses, you know? From my mother and father, begging me to come back."

"Do you think you'll. . .ever be able to forgive them?"

"I've forgiven my mother."

"I think you should forgive your father as well," I say, meeting his eyes. "Because I know if I got to have one day with my father I would take it."

Draco closed his eyes. "Two completely different situations. Your father died to protect you, your brother and your mum. My father--" he gave a short humorless chuckle. "My father abandoned me for a gold and power, and my mother for a whiskey bottle."

"What?" I whispered, coming close to him. He looked away, but I gently tilted his face towards me and laced our fingers together. I kissed the back of his hand and repeated my question. 

"It wasn't as bad when I was young," sighed Draco. "He used to read me to sleep every night, he used to tell me he loved me--god, it's been years since I heard him say that-- and overall he was a good father. Until he got promoted.