Double Life

Chapter 14

~~~
"Lilith, Y/n...," your mom said. You were both sat on then couch.
"Were going to be going away for a while," your dad said.
"What why?" Lilith asked. Your mom glanced at you then back at Lilith.
"Mommy and daddy just need a little us time," your mom said.
"But I don't want you guys to go," Lilith said. She was starting to cry.
"I know sweetie I'm sorry," your dad sighed.
"But we'll come back to visit," your mom nodded. Your parents both hugged her. You stayed silent. You knew better then to say or do anything.
"Okay!" Lilith smiled.
---
"You peice of shit!" Your dad snapped as he slapped you. "Do you not care that were leaving?"
"You're such a selfish child!" Your mom hissed.
"Answer me boy!" Your dad snapped.
"I-I uh, I care?" You stammered.
"Were leaving because of you! You have to care at least a little," your dad said. You were starting to get really irritated.
"I don't get it! There are times you want emotions then other times you don't! How am I supposed to know when you want that emotional response!?" You yelled.
Smash!
Your mother put full force into the hit your shoulder with the wine bottle, knocking you to the ground.
You didn't want to remember what happened that night but your dream pressed on.
~~~
You woke up sobbing and in a cold sweat. Your body wouldn't stop shaking. No matter how hard you tried.
You set your hand on your left shoulder... You still had that scar...
It was the worst time your parents ever went after you.
You checked your phone. 3:32 am.
You sighed knowing you probably wouldn't be going back to sleep tonight.
You knew you probably shouldn't be driving with your lack of sleep, but you still had school.
"Are you okay Y/n?" Lilith asked as you started the car.
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. I'm just tired," you sighed.
"Did you sleep?" She asks.
"A little yeah," you shrug and pulled out of your driveway.
"How much?" Lilith asked.
"Enough," you mumble.
"Doesn't look like it," she commented.
"I'm fine."
When you got to school it wasn't any better.
"Did you get the shit beat out of you?" Craig asks as he looked you up and down.
"Yes," you replied then unconsciously added," when I was ten..."
"Wait-ah! Seriously?" Tweek asks.
"What?" You asked, then realized what you said." Oh! No, I wasn't being serious."
The worry on Tweek and Craig's faces vanished and turned to relief.
Heh, they care... they shouldn't though... you're not worth their time. You weren't worth anyone's time.
At lunch it only got worse. You put your head down and let yourself drift in and out of unconsciousness.
"Oh no! Are you okay Y/n?" Clyde asks. He sat down next to you. You gave him a lazy thumbs up. You forced yourself to sit back up.
"Just didn't sleep well," you sighed.
"Mmm, I was going to ask if you wanted to hang out after school but you seem a bit too tired," Clyde said.
"No, I'll be awake by then, just let me know what time," you said.
"Oh um! How about five?" Clyde asks.
"Five at my house?" You ask.
"Yeah that works, I can have my dad drop me off," Clyde said.
"Alright," you nod.
---
After school you were definitely a lot more awake. You had that final amount of energy before you would crash. You did your homework then picked up Lilith.
Your phone buzzed as soon as you got home.
Mark: Hey we still on for tonight?
You: Oh shit yeah, give me a few minutes. I've been out of it all day today.
Mark: kay see you in a few.
And just like that you completely forgot about Clyde.
*Clyde's Pov*
I knocked on Y/n's front door. Lilith answered and she looked kind of shocked.
"Hey is Y/n home?" I ask
"Yeah... he's up in his room," she said cautiously and let me in. Was there something wrong?
"Thanks," I said then went up to Y/n's room. He wasn't in there. "Huh? Y/n!?"
The closet door was slightly open. I walked over and slowly pushed the door open. There was a ladder leading to what I assumed was the attic.
"Nonono! Oh my god no stop! Sit!"
Wait a second...
Slowly I went up the ladder. Y/n sat in the corner at a computer with... with the all to familiar jesters mask on.
"I'm sorry Mark," Y/n laughed.
He hadn't noticed me yet... I sat down on the wooden boards.
"Y/n?" I asked in disbelief.
Y/n froze and his head snapped towards me.
"Fuck. IgottagoI'msosorryMark! I'llcallbackwhenIcan!" Y/n said quickly as he hung up, turned off his camera and game I assumed.
Y/n took the mask and headphones off. He took a deep breath. I could feel Y/n's anxiety from here. I cautiously got up and walked over to him. Fear was in his eyes as he looked at me.
"Hey," he said softly.
"You're...," I couldn't even form the sentence.
"Yeah... I am," he nodded.
"Holy shit dude...."
"I know. Please Clyde.... please keep this between us," Y/n begged. I took a deep breath and nodded. I hugged him tightly.
"Your secret's safe with me," I said. Y/n hugged back with a heavy sigh. Now that I think about it, it now all makes sense. Especially at Pax.
"Thank you," he whispered.
I pulled away and looked at him.
"You gonna make it?" I ask.
"Yeah, yeah I will," Y/n nods," I just can't believe I fucked up that badly. I completely forgot we were hanging out, and I had my session with Mark."
"Heh, it's fine, do you feel any better now that someone knows?" I ask. Y/n looked at me and shrugged.
"Kind of, Lilith knew, but she knew from the beginning," Y/n said.
"I see, why don't you show the world?" I asked. Y/n went into panic mode again. Wrong choice. "Hey wait calm down, it's okay, you're okay."
"I-I'm sorry... it's just the thought of being the same person scares me. Like I'm genuinely terrified of telling the world," Y/n replied.
"Yeah, it's a very big step in your career," I said.
*Normal Pov*
Clyde knows... he knows... it was weird to think about, but he only knew because of your stupidity. You couldn't beat yourself up over it though. Clyde took it pretty well which was good.
"Alright, uh let me text Mark real quick then we can do something," you said as you pulled up Discord on your computer.
"Oh no I don't want you to cancel with Mark!" Clyde said.
"Its fine, I don't have the mental energy to continue," you sighed.
"Oh... I'm sorry," Clyde said.
"Not your fault," you reply.
You: Hey I'm so sorry about that.
Mark: it's fine is everything okay?
You: Yeah... yeah everything is fine, but I don't think I'll be able to continue tonight. I'm sorry.
Mark: Hey it's alright, go take care of yourself.
You: Thanks, I'll talk to you later.
Mark: Yep talk to you later.
You shut down your computer.
"Alright let's go," you said. Clyde nodded then you both headed down the ladder.
"Are you okay?" Clyde questioned.
"Yeah, I'm okay, just slightly overwhelmed," you replied.
"I'm sorry," Clyde apologized.
"Stop saying sorry," you laughed," it's okay I promise. All I ask is that you continue to treat me like a human."
"Haha, I will I promise," Clyde laughed. Just like that the tension had lifted. (Okay you were still nervous, but you would push the feeling down)
"You hungry because I am," you said.
"Kind of, what were you thinking?" Clyde asks.
"Chinese," you said.
"Alright," Clyde smiled. You two headed downstairs.
"Come on Lilith were getting Chinese," you said. She looked at you stunned.
"You legit told him?" Lilith asks.
"I didn't really tell him. I just forgot we agreed to hang out and he went up to the attic," you explained.
"You know what? Wether it was an accident or not you're a step further Y/n," Lilith smiled.
"Yeah, guess that's one way to look at it," you shrugged.
---
Clyde ended up spending the night.
"Night Clyde," you said just before leaving the guest bedroom.
"Wait," Clyde walked over to you. He gently grabbed your hand. Then he hugged you," accident or not, I'm glad I know now."
You tensed up but hugged Clyde back.
"Yeah," you sighed.
You pulled away a soft smile spread across Clyde's lips.
"Goodnight Y/n," Clyde said.
"Goodnight Clyde," you said. You left the room and went to your own. You climbed under the covers letting exhaustion take over you.
~~~
"He knows now," S/n said. You sat in a meadow a picnic blanket set down.
"I know," you shrugged.
"You're not bothered by it?" S/n asked.
"I am, I'm terrified."
"Why?"
"Because he knows about you."
"We're the same person."
You glared at him.
"No, we aren't."
"Really? You're gonna try to pull that one off? If I'm not you, then who am I?"
"Someone I MADE as a coping mechanism. You're not me."
"Then tell me who are you?"
"I'm Y/n L/n."
"And who is Y/n L/n? Because all I see is a boy with mommy and daddy issues. A boy who doesn't know how to cope with his trauma."
"Would you shut up!? I'm more then a traumatized child!"
"Doesn't seem like it."
"You're a fucking dick."
"I can be. So can you."
"Please just let me wake up."
"Not yet. I have one last question."
"What?"
"Why do you hate me?"
You bit your bottom lip. It was true you... you hated him.
"I mean if you cared enough we would be the same person by now," S/n said.
"Because you're everything that I'm not, everything I could be. I don't have the guts to make us the same person."
"That's all I wanted to hear. We'll talk again soon."
~~~
You're eyes snapped open. You checked you phone. 4:52am. You groaned and curled into your blankets. Why was it so scary? Thinking of Y/n and S/n being the same person. Maybe it was because the one half was filled with anger and saddness while the other half was happy and cheerful. You didn't know how to act like that without a mask. You knew what happiness felt like you experienced it when you were with Clyde and the others... but on your own... you couldn't be happy yourself.
You groaned and stuffed your face into your pillow. You knew you had to work on it, but you didn't even know where to start. Your parents definitely didn't care enough to enroll you into therapy and get you in to see a psychiatrist.
"Fuck... fuck the world," you sighed.