Various Poems

Why? (Prologue)

'download' is a collection of thoughts, issues and core memories that are imprints on my mind. Non-fictional or not it still makes me feel so deeply attached, it feels like each feeling is more personal than fictional. It isn't a theme, it isn't a topic, it's a mindful feeling. Every album I created is a part of myself, nobody listened and nobody cared, which reflects why I feel unappreciated. When you're confident, they'll make you feel arrogant, when you're weak, they'll make you feel stagnant. The tears where real but the feeling was a facade, the only thing that makes me sad is myself.

I tried making a diary, nobody was intrigued. I tried making a letter to inspire, no one believed. I tried not putting a prologue, nobody cared, lastly I tried putting easter eggs and deep meanings to make it more interesting, but nobody really wanted that. I wasn't a celebrity, I wasn't attractive, I wasn't a genius, I wasn't a perfect child, why would they care?

I know for myself I don't have to be a martyr. I know for myself I don't have to be somebody they wanted me to be. I surely know for myself that I can't please everybody. I may be dumb or naive or just pure idiotic, but for all I care I'm happy that I'm always the last person to lean on. Because I don't have to burden myself to think about problems that aren't really mine to start with. It's just me overreacting or exaggerating every little thing I noticed. I tried to understand and be considerate but I just can't fucking understand it.

Do I have a mental illness? Am I bipolar? Do I suffer from a mental disorder or something near that? The questions that makes my sanity feel inconsistent and impure. The fact is that I'm a living question, why do I have to born like this to just change my sexuality? Why do I have to have a mental and spiritual dilemma when I'm just 16? Why do I have to question my own existence and purpose? Why?

'download' symbolizes the experiences or feelings that are saved in my mind. A full collection of compositions in distinct ways, distinct languages, and distinct qualities. I want to focus on the feeling of curiosity, it's not about realization anymore. Because the more I realize, the more I question each and every thing I cross paths with.

For the first time I wanted to sleep under the sheets. Even though it's short and itchy, I'll eventually sleep, with all of my worries following me in my dreams.