The Wall Crossers

I'll be a River Flowing

Olivia's perspective

As we drive along in our hired car through the beautiful avenues of Lichterfelde, I almost have a sense of calm flowing down upon me. And yet—there is a feeling like something is wrong—like we have neglected or overlooked something. Something big. But I am just so tired. That must be it.

As we near Anja's flat, I feel... elated, but exhausted too. I had no sleep last night. Plus there is the emotion of the day, and all the recent emotions—Anja's disappearance and my sense of loss concerning her, and, Yes, my sense of anguish too about Leida—that I can so readily abandon her. A girl who seems to desire me so completely and insistently. She has a story that is woven with me so tightly in it that I cannot understand how life would play this cruel joke on her. There are many things I told her that I, if not regret, at least feel were wrong. Morally wrong to continue and not be totally truthful about my intentions. But what were my intentions? Leida so confused my heart that I could not clearly state any firm plans. At least regarding her.

I yawn. When we get to Anja's flat, I want to take off these uncomfortable Army clothes and maybe get a bath. And then to bed and sleep!

Technically, I am AWOL! But Anja says she can fix this for me. I am so thankful for her. I look over to her and she looks at me and we both smile. The kissing earlier was a long time in coming. All these months together and no kissing! Like, crazy man! But Anja is consistent in this: sharing a kiss is like making a commitment—a long-term commitment.

I look at our rings. This is another sacred thing for Anja. She believes in the power of rings. A ring is an even greater commitment than a kiss, in her way of seeing things.

Anja's perspective

As we enter my neighborhood and near my flat, I look again at Livie and reach to hold her hand. We smile at each other and I mouth I love you to her. I look down at our rings. These bonds of our commitment—to each other. There have been many times when I felt the commitment would not hold. Livie's liebesaffäre (love affair) with that hussy whore was very nearly the end of us. But then I have not told Livie everything either. No, of course I haven't. My part has not been sheltered from desire for others. And not just Horst... poor Horst. But an even more insistent danger to... Livie and me. Elke. What she and I did... before I departed for the East. It was wrong, wasn't it? It was just raw lust, of course it was. Lust of each other's bodies Ja, but also lust coupled wiss... with danger—with a desire to throw caution into the wind.

I feel the presence of this danger even now, though of course we seem to be gliding along in a haven of safety. At least approaching it and almost nearly there!

I look back to the front and hear Livie yawn, which makes me yawn too! We laugh and I say, "I am so exhausted from the stress of these past days... twelve days. Since that night of the party. That night of..."

Livie says, "I know. Me too."

Just the emotion of finding Livie. Almost losing her too. It is too much and now like an avalanche of snow that accumulated and has crashed down on me. On us. I cannot take any more shock. No, not today. I cannot make decisions clearly. I was in the East. It could have swallowed me. No. I need rest now. I need—true love.

All I want is, I think as I caress Livie's hand, to maybe go to bed and make love to her—once, just once to finally do it right. Now that we kissed, the sky is the limit. What can stop us now?

I am so glad she was true and loyal to me, and waited for me.

But then, what will I tell Papá? I have told him nothing about Olivia. Nothing! Unless Jelena has told him? Or Niels? Niels is the other big unknown in this. He arranged for my exchange—to get me back home. How much do I owe him now? This thing was big and... costly? I was instructed to go to Niels—now! But that driver listened to me. He followed my orders, not the orders of these others who really do not understand love. They only understand the predestination of a girl to marry up and satisfy the final piece of a man's world's logistical puzzle. I am a master planner, but will not plan my life to suit a man!