The Wall Crossers

Jan 5 - Wed - Maybe It's Not Going to Work

Olivia's perspective

I am at my desk working. It is Wednesday fifth January. Yesterday I met with Leida for lunch, and then we took a bus to Potsdamer Platz, where we saw that little girl, which was bizarre, and then went to Leida's house in the evening. Things felt tense—cool toward each other. She was pressuring me. I was distracted by Anja being missing.

Leida and I need to break things off. That is what I wanted to do at lunch yesterday. But... she has a way with me, is very persuasive! It almost seems that at times she can control my mind—especially when she blinks at me and gives me that look! And the episode with that little girl, and Leida insisting it was our future? That was, like, insane! I admit—I am in love with Leida. How can you be in love with someone and not pursue it? When it is not practical. Her ideas are too far out! I fly to Ft Dix New Jersey in one week. That is a fact I cannot change. No stars or tellings or Leida's controlling ways will alter my rendezvous with that plane.

And all we, Leida and I, have together it seems, is physical and a sparking sort of closeness--attachment. There has to be more—for us to endure. Of course, I did write to her that poem... back in November. That really started all of this. But, we have never even gone out anywhere together, not like Anja and I—who have spent days together, on adventures, talking, sharing. But Leida and I are so intuitive with each other—our hearts are so close in a strong, poetic way.

Yes, it's true that Leida and I are more alike than Anja and I. Leida is a girl of the stars, with starry dreams. Anja is a sensible planner. Leida a sensuous writer. Anja... she won't even kiss me! Leida... can't stay off me.

Maybe it's not going to work—Leida and me. All she does is talk of her dreams. What about mine? She has things already laid out for us. Do I have a voice in this? All we do is talk about living in New York and being close, about sex... and we kiss. Oh! Leida's kisses are like heaven.

Last night she practically begged me to stay for the night. I could have, but... I just wanted to be alone.

I glance over to Maren, where she works at her desk. She does not look up. But she has an expression—like she knows I am watching her and is trying hard to ignore me.

I wish I could ask her to talk with Leida for me. Ask Leida to tune me out a bit, or for good. Maren started this. But she is a badass. She may be a gorgeous girl, who is at times quite charming, but I do worry that, before this is all over, she could come unglued, and then I will catch hell!

I begin thinking of calling Leida myself. If she took the train last night, she would be in her office today in Offenburg. Last night, when I said I would return to Andrews, she went into a huff and kind of yelled at me. She has never done that before. But then, she has never done a lot of things with, to me before. She said she will just return to the Zone now—last night! She said to me in a stormy voice Du bist so beschissen! (You are so f*cked up!) Ich gebe dir alles! (I give you everything!). Then she collapsed on her couch, crying. I just stood there. Then I sat next to her. Smoothed her hair back. She rolled and wriggled onto her back and looked up at me, eyes flooded with tears and in words broken with snuffling and crying said Ich möchte Geschlechtsverkehr haben, Liebling (I just want to love you, darling), her wet eyes searching mine.

Leida is beautiful and desirable. And I love her. But she does not understand my emotions right now. And I cannot wash away the pain, with either drugs, sex or rock and roll... those effervescent ingredients that form the balm of our times—the sixties.

Then she tried another tack, "O-li..via, we have to think of... of Lizet. Please."

I stood up again and said to her, "Leida, I don't know what that was about. I am so confused. But I can't... I can't..."