The Wall Crossers

September Loves Arrive - Saturday

Saturday

Anja's perspective

Saturday morning, I wake up, wash up, get dressed, make kaffee. Look out my kitchen window at the foggy air. It will clear up and be beautiful today. Then, the next thing I do is move Niels' flowers from the special vase to a tall plastic cup—placing them in the parlor. I carefully clean and put away my Mother's vase.

Livie comes later and we make our day's excursion to the French sector, eventually finding our way to Humboldthain Park. Then for the surprise I planned for Livie: the Hidden Rose Garden and its many thousands of roses all arranged in special order. We have so much fun and even buy roses for each other, and of course, for Horst too, in abwesenheit (in absence)!

That evening, in my flat, Livie and I get into talk about our childhoods. We become very vulnerable, sharing our inner selves. But then, Livie became so very emotional—about her name. About the need for—acceptance? Or was it because she found it so hard to care for me, like Maren said yesterday? Because of Horst? Because of her upcoming departure back to US, and... well, because of everything?

I went to her... to Livia, the person who I am sure holds the key to a future me. I climbed up on her, in her chair, straddled her and wrapped myself around her, fell into her. More sensuous did I feel right then than I have ever felt with another person, and certainly never ever with another girl, at least intentionally. To breathe her in—I sang to her... thinking now... now we will make love, this time. I am... I am ready.

But, I felt Livie pull away--emotionally. A tiny sense of holding back. So I adjusted my own emotional needs—to simply comfort her and not look for anything... for myself. For the sake of true love—giving, freely, without expectation. I was okay with that. Because I knew... for her, there has always been the Horst she knows, she fears. And for me, there is now also this—Niels—an emerging pain for Livie, not yet even in her knowing. I recognize and feel this unknown pain for her, already.

Later, as she departed and made her way back to her barracks, the routine unfolding like clockwork, I found myself shedding a few tears. Livie, despite not knowing every detail, understands enough to sense the pain, yet she continues to give generously. She bestows upon me not just love, but a genuine connection—sharing in its truest form. A person who would stand at the Wall for me, even lay down their life. Could anyone else ever be that one for me? But is that truly what I've yearned for, what I desire and need for myself?

I am always being alone with future uncertain. I recall that time when I was elf Jahre alt (eleven years old). In the quiet depths of an urban forest, nestled near my Aunt's house, I am hiding. Heart racing with the rhythm of hushed breaths as I crouch behind a cluster of trees, their branches shielding me—a secret sanctuary. My Uncle and Aunt, their voices echoing through this nature pocket in their small city, call out my name with growing alarm, "Anja! Anja!" So close I hear their footsteps crunch on ground softened by scattered leaves and twigs. But I remain unseen, a fragile wispy girl, whose timid eyes now are narrowed in a righteous cold anger and hurt. I clutch a treasured tiny box to my chest, seeking solace in its contents, but now there is no comfort.

Those words I had earlier overheard my Uncle say, Helmut must get a wife. He is traveling far too often, and we cannot always take care of her, they make my insides twist with upset. I don't want to be someone's problem. I just want to feel safe and not like I'm always in the way. That's why I need to find my own way, where I belong, where I'm not just a thing to be sorted out by someone else. I squeeze my eyes closed on silent tears.

Now, in my present, I give in to the familiar urge—emotion to be rent and crushed by a raw act. I take one of Mariya's pills from my medicine cabinet, those pills she gave to me, she said, to strengthen my nerve—much stronger than Koffein, and a different sort of buzz!