The Wall Crossers

Same Evening - at the Kaiser Wilhelm church

Olivia's perspective

We hold hands and walk all the way to the Kaiser Wilhelm church, which has been a protected relic of the great war since its end in 1945—still bearing all the destruction from the bombings of those dark times. We stand and stare at it.

Anja says, "This ruined church, it is being with me all my life. Vill they every repair it?"

I reply, "No. It is a monument."

She sighs and says, "It is so sad."

"Not while you are standing nearby it isn't!"

She elbows me, then smiles at me, which melts my heart. We link arms and wander down to a café close by where we sit at an outside table.

Anja's Perspective

What would Papá say if he saw me here, with her, right now? I carefully watch Livie as we are seated at an outside table at this Hofbräuhaus. What would he say of this—my infatuation mit diesem queeren Mädchen (with this queer girl)? Is this merely a rebellion against him? Or a growing love as inevitable as Germany's reunification into one state again? My life it has been becoming like that church—a pitiful ruined monument... to my father's will! I reject that! Sometimes... I just want to let myself go, to be who I truly am! But who is this new me? Am I courageous or compliant? Professionally reserved or exuberantly spontaneous? Sensuously enticing or icily frigid in sexuelle angelegenheiten (sexual affairs)? Why I am still a virgin? This is what Margot always chides me about! What will it be like with Horst—when our bodies meet? Why doesn't Livie ever touch me, or do as the Beatles say, turn me on? Will this scheide perle (sheath of pearl) be forever denied her lover? Will I remain chastely shielded from ein entzückter kuss (an enraptured kiss) for always? Or... will my girlhood be too soon sacrificed to the powerful grip of some man in a trade for his guarantee, his assurance of safety? Some man to own the path of my life, just as my father always has tried to do!?

Livie is watching me now, worried, as I suddenly seem flushed, flustered, exasperated, for no apparent reason. She cannot read my mind, Gott sei Dank dafür (thank god for that)!

I peer at Livie. Should I back away from this we have together? Is she barren of the kind of love I need, long for? Should I play it cool? Maybe hold back the gift I brought her tonight, allow myself more time to think? I will watch her now and decide for sure. I need to know if she intends to abandon me. I need to know if she might make a pass at me, kiss me, try to make love to me... would I slap her or relish this? I need to sort this out: the waiting on Horst to come, the waiting on Livie to commit to not leaving, and for sure of course always avoiding that other girl—she who weakens me, is wrong for me, disturbs my world, upsets my energy, makes my heart crash, pierces my resolve with a poison deadly to my suche quest with Horst, coaxes my scheide open to receive her enthralling Milchstraße (milky way galaxy) of desire—to finger its way deep inside of me. I shiver in fear of this thought, imagining Elke's slender fingers. I shiver in an abhorrent feeling of eager need.

Papá... he will tolerate none of these thoughts, these awful feelings of desire one girl feels for another, or even feelings for a man whose actions would put a daughter at great risk by coming to her across the Wall. Always and only and ever it must be, to Papá—a decision to play it safe, a decision for Niels. I hate this presumption! I am an independent woman—a strong thinker. I am quite beautiful. I am a catch to be taken... only by the one I choose! I do not need Papá and his meddling ways. I do not need the advice of these so-called weise (wiser ones). I do not need such thinking as Jelena's that would only mold me, shape me to serve! I do not need a man! I hate men!! Well, except for Horst... he, the one I wait for. I do not hate him, because... how can you hate someone you hardly know at all?

I clear my head of these thoughts, I breathe, concentrate, think of Livie, she who is here with me now, not like these others. I prepare myself again to be united with her.