The Wall Crossers

Barracks Life

Olivia's perspective

I face many difficulties living as a girl in a barracks with one hundred male soldiers. Each floor of our building has a common shower area with no privacy. I have to choose a shower time when I am certain no one else will be there! Soldiers who know me and understand that I am a professional in my work, just like they are, ignore my girlhood situation for the most part. Others look at me with disgust when I wear dresses in and out of the barracks. And a few vent their vile harassment or worse on me.

One day Anja and I are meeting at a biergarten a short walk from my barracks gate, and as we are being seated, she studies me carefully and saying, "Livie, love, diese (this) bruise on your cheek... Was ist das (what is this)?" She reaches her hand up to my face.

I quickly cover the spot with my hand, before she can touch it. I reply, "I... it was a kind of a problem that happened... Umm... that, yeah, was in the barracks," I almost whisper, my eyes downcast to avoid making contact with hers. I see her raising her hand to touch my face, and on instinct, I deflect hers by reaching up quickly, but, before I know what is happening, I have intertwined my fingers with hers. Her eyes widen, like in shock. I gently lower our clasped hands to the table. I smell Anja and she smells like body heat mixed with a trace of cinnamon. She is nervous now. We both stare at our clasped hands.

Anja is silent for seconds, then gently pulls her hand away from mine and we look back up to each other's eyes. Anja rarely gets angry, but I see a growing fire now in her eyes. At first, I am scared she is mad because I held her hand so intimately. But then, her voice quaking, she says to me, "I am going to go talk to those Army Generals and tell them what is happening to you and tell them Stop it! Das macht mich so wütend (This makes me so angry)! And then perhaps..." she trails off. I see her hands are now on the table, balled into fists.

"No, Anja! Please. It is ok." I place my hands in my lap. "Please don't get involved... you cannot... I mean, you would only..." I am not sure how to explain to her it is best for me to lie low and not draw attention. The Army already does not support my being out as a girl. Bringing any complaints of trouble to their attention would only make them clamp down even more to remove the problem. My heart is racing.

She searches my wide frantic eyes with hers. She knows me pretty well. She takes out a cigarette, lights it (she rarely smokes), sits quietly a while, thinking, dissipating her anger, it rises and vanishes away with the smoke. After moments pass like this, she has become calm and looks again at me—at my injury. She stubs the cigarette out, and then raises her hand once more to my face, I do not try to stop her this time. She touches my hurt cheek softly, and begins to hum a bit from Something (Abbey Road) and then sweetly sings, "Somesing in the way she knows, and all I have to do is think of her. Something in the things she shows me..."

Her soft singing transports me. I close my eyes and I am in a broad field with a sea of stars above me, a balmy wind caressing healing my face, filling my heart with love, blowing my hair like feelings of freedom—to be fully me and fully in love with Anja. In my daydream, she and I hold hands. I feel only joy, hope for the future. My heart is full, full, full—so full of love.

Anja's perspective

After I finish my singing to Livie, I sit and look at her. Her eyes are still closed, she is smiling. Her face seems so soft and... and young. She is almost my age though. I guess I look young too. We should not... we should not touch each other too much. We sometimes get too close. I admit, just then I flushed with some kind of unacceptable spark of desire in my body for her when she held my hand with our fingers all laced together! This is not good, and I must be careful in future. I must think of Horst—only of him. Livie is but a friend, and... just another girl to me.

I have never sung to another person before, like I just did for Livie.

I do feel for her more than compassion, and more than mere joy of companionship. Ach du lieber (Oh, my god)! I have to avoid this, Ja, I do. Anyway, I am not for girls and so we... this... could never be more than it is—a simple casual acquaintance.

Livie opens her eyes again now. We gaze into each other's eyes. I blink mine rapidly to break away from this spell, before I fall to pieces and... ask for a kiss? I hear myself saying it, in my mind, Livie, ich möchte, dass du mich küsst. Okay? (Livie, I want you to kiss me. Okay?) I look down at her hands, now on the table. They do not look like soldier's hands. They look like hands to... to... caress someone, lovingly, to guide someone gently, passionately into that greatest thrill of life. That is what her hands appear to be, to me. I have never had this joy. I am so young, so... unerfahren (inexperienced).

Oh it is so dangerous to live in the barracks... with all those men!... Mensch! (Oh man!). Maybe... just maybe I could let her stay in my guest room, I mean, like for only a little while, Ja? A week, or just a few? Get her out of these despicable barracks until things calm down there, there at Andrews? She could pay some small rent to me. We would keep our things separate, keep our hands... apart, we could! We would bus to work together. That could be such fun! At night, when I am lonely, I might then simply call to her—call her into my room. Just to sit on the edge of the bed, for sure just only that, and talk together about... well, about most anything! We have that way together, Yes, we do. Or maybe, she might only keep warm my other pillow and... like hold hands, together, under diese bed coverings. What harm is there in that? Late at night... to awake and have her next to me, her warmth, her steady breathing caressing my face with blissful contentment?... this is a good thing, Ja? I trust Livie and want to keep her safe. Her heart and body safely enclosed by mine.

I look back up at Livie. She is gazing at me and that something is in her eyes... I am certain, she is in love with me. This just can't be, it won't do, nein, not at all! We should not touch except... except like holding hands when walking, even innocent children do that, it is quite safe. She should not stay with me, like I imagined. Nein. I am afraid that after only one week of that and I would have become... become a girl for a girl. And I will never ever be one of those. No, never!

There is another girl in our office, someone I work with. She is very nice. She seems to have much knowledge in matters of the heart. She is older than me, by two or three years? I will ask her about this, only, I will not disclose details... will not give a name, or... or the true situation. I will just say, There is a beautiful person in the office I admire... What should I do? This other girl I am thinking of, her name is... Elke. Yes, I will speak to this girl soon, when we find ourselves together and safely alone.