1.1 | Desiderium ✓

66|sixty six

"... apart from that, I really love helping people. And I am good at studies, so it's maybe a bonus," KyungHee laughed.  "But that's why I want to be a doctor. What about you, SooChan?" 

"YooChan," YooChan corrected. He pressed his knees close and buried his face in the menu. He didn't feel like facing KyungHee's beautiful smile. 

"O-Oh," KyungHee bit her lip. "I'm sorry." 

"It's fine," YooChan tried to grin, "I also forget the names quite a lot of times." 

"You do that too?" KyungHee visibly lit up. "I thought I was the only one. I can't remember letters very well." 

"Hangul is tough, I guess. Honestly, I prefer German and English. They're easier." 

"You can speak German?" KyungHee asked, surprised. 

"I am German," YooChan rubbed the back of his head, "so I speak German at home… but I speak English, French, Italian, Russian and Chinese as well. And Japanese, yes, but everyone speaks Japanese so… it's not that big of a deal." 

"Ah you're yes —" KyungHee chuckled, "I forgot that…" 

"Anyway, what would you like to eat?" 

"Pasta." KyungHee pressed her index finger on the menu. Her fingers were beautiful, just like her hair and face. Her nails, pristine and gelled pink, decorated with little stars. She was beautiful, but for some reason, Chan couldn't see it. 

What the hell was he doing in a restaurant with her? Chan's chest tightened. That wasn't right. Sitting with her… didn't feel right. 

"What about you?" KyungHee looked at him and smiled. Her earrings, swan shaped and white, sparkled. 

In a flash, YooChan saw his entire future unfold in front of his eyes. What chances did he have? Was he gay? No… he couldn't be like his mother. If he wasn't gay, that meant he needed to marry a woman. A woman, like his mother. There was a girl sitting before him. Pretty as a clear sky. But then, what if he married a girl and the girl left him? What was better? 

"Chan?" KyungHee tapped her knuckles on the table, "Chan, are you alright?" 

What happened? What was he doing? 

"Huh?" 

"You… right now," KyungHee's voice shook, "you looked as if you were disgusted by me right now." 

He was experimenting. Getting up and leaving her all alone was a terrible thing to do, but sitting with her, and making it feel like a forced date didn't set right with YooChan. His appetite went down the drain as he looked at the menu. What was he? He wasn't gay. He needed to be attracted to girls. 

But he wasn't.

"It's uhm…" KyungHee looked down. "You can go home. It's fine." 

"No, I —" Chan cut himself short. "I'm… well the thing is I am not that well, so maybe someday else?" 

"Alright," KyungHee gave him a soft smile, "someday else." 

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

It was the first snow of the season. 

Soft, smooth drops of snow fell from heaven to kiss the earth and then merge with it, forever. And YooChan had never felt so lonely ever before. 

Snowfalls were watched with loved ones. And that day, just the night before Christmas, YooChan had no one. Santa Claus was a myth, and God didn't exist. All the presents that lay beneath the Christmas tree were all courtesy of his Uncle's money. Money was real. Santa Claus wasn't.